Stargate Universe

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Stargate Universe
Dr. RushBegbie's reaction to the series.
Creator Brad Wright, Robert C. Cooper.
Release Date 2009
Cancelled Date 2011
Rating F
Genre Feelings, Sex.
Preceded by Stargate Atlantis
Followed by Wrestling Shows, Cooking Shows.

“These are the wrong people, in the wrong place. Me thinks this is the wrong show on the wrong channel!”

~ Random nerd on watching SGU

Stargate Universe, commonly known as Stargate: "We don't use the Stargate anymore"; Stargate: "The Cancelled Series"; and BattleStargate Galactica, was the latest installment in the teen drama and adult series for the new controversial and self-proclaimed "edgier and grown-up" Syfy Channel. Contrary to popular belief the show had nothing to do with Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis, these being sci-fi shows that utilized a device known as a Stargate to travel to distant worlds and providing a new setting every week in which issues such as technology, philosophy, anthropology and the human condition could be discussed. In contrast, Stargate Universe was about shagging anything with a pulse and "talking about feelings" in space. Some fans of the franchise (but not of Stargate Universe) suggested this series was created following complaints from drunk perverts about the lack of sex between hollow characters along with internet scams related to homosexual relationships between shipmates in science-fiction television shows.

The Premise[edit]

Lt. Scott once again busy with his hourly routine duty.

As part of Trainspotting spinoff series, Dr. RushBegbie returned, blew up a planet in a way that connects a Stargate to a ship on the far side of the Underverse.[1] Meanwhile, Lieutenant Scott was busy shagging Lieutenant James, that big busty brunette whom eventually became the main attraction of the series. Faced with the option of standing on an exploding planet or going through the gate, the random bunch of politicians and high-school interns decided that the vertical pool of water was the better bet.

Finding themselves alive[2] they discovered they were on an old ship, in every sense of the word. The ship, Density, it would be revealed, was designed by the Ancients to seed the universe with Stargates. Apparently, this ship has been at this for millions of years, logically speaking it should have a fantastic catalog of planets to visit. Unfortunately, the viewers will never know, because the eventual crew of Density never used the legendary Stargate, and instead, were more interested in using the magical communication stones to go clubbing, get high and get laid.

Dr. RushBegbie did not know how the ship works, but is learning and thinks that given a bit of time he would eventually work it out. The military personnel helpfully shouted at him, called him a liar and even threatened him for motivation. Meanwhile, all the other political retards and highschoolers continuously contributed productively by bitching, moaning and shagging each other relentlessly, especially that useless Chloe, who was later known affectionately as the ship's whore.[3]

Hallelujah to SGU!

Unable to devise a way of pressing a button a couple of meters away from a door, Chloe's dad decides to kill himself by shutting himself on the wrong side of an airlock. The crew seems upset, but apparently no one watching the show really gave a shit. [4]

One of the key plot points is that they are entirely cut off from Earth, with seemingly no hope of return or any access to new resources, with the exception that they have Ancient stones that instantaneously transfer their consciousness to the other side of the universe. Handy! And very smart of Dr. RushBegbie to bring it on board while going through the gate on the way to Density!

Oh, and apparently despite them not bringing any change of clothes, everyone was lucky enough to happen about a planet from the Novus colonies that was destroyed by drones; they managed to get some clothes and other stuff.

Typical Episode Outline[edit]

Next week on Stargate Universe:

That angry black guy strikes again!
  • Chloe searches for some good penis.
  • Pornography.
  • Eli uses a floating orb spy camera to see a tit.
  • Pornography.
  • Dr. RushBegbie knows things but wouldn't tell anybody.
  • Goat and donkey pornography.
  • That angry black guy threatens someone. He's on a horse now.
  • Interracial lesbian pornography.
  • Somebody uses the magical communication stones to visit a relative/friend back on Earth in an American city that looks exactly like Vancouver, British Columbia.
  • A random peek on Lieutenant James' boobs and/or nip slips.
  • The ship finds a planet that has a hostile environment, but miraculously features a rare element that is absolutely essential for the survival of the crew.
  • Eli watches and then uploads videos captured by the Kino(s) of somebody having sex and/or masturbating to Density's mainframe.
  • Dr. RushBegbie said something rude, depressing, and uncalled for.
  • Someone gazed out the windows of the ship at the beautiful CGI effects while making sexual noises.
  • Blue Aliens attack, Lucian Alliance attacks, the military/civilian crew members fight, and/or the angry black man vents off his anger.
  • Colonel Young yells at the only dumb asian in the universe to "fix it", all the time!
  • Dr. RushBegbie yet again proved that he wants everyone to help him with Density's true mission.

List of Episodes[edit]

Season 1[edit]

Title Original Airdate Despair Number Episode Information
It's a Trap Part 1 October 2, 2009 101 On a planet in the milky way galaxy, a team of asshole diplomats and belligerent military men distract themselves from shagging each other long enough to embark through the Stargate to the unknown ninth chevron address. They find themselves on an alien spaceship called Density, with no hope of return or maintain communication with Earth.
Airplane Part 2 October 2, 2009 102 The team discover the life support system of their new ship, the Density, is failing.[5] The team visit Earth by possessing people through rubbing their stones. Some old guy no one cares about dies.
Waiting for God Part 3 October 9, 2009 103 A priest appears, but doesn’t even say mass. Lt. Scott fails at dying for the first time. Chloe sleeps with loads of the crew.
Darkside October 16, 2009 104 Shortly before a catastrophic loss of power, the ship sets itself on course to fly into a star. Most of the crew decided they’re all doomed and spend the episode having sex and talking about their feelings.
Lampshade October 23, 2009 105 Continuing from the previous episode, the crew has maintained its resolve to not try and save themselves and to continue having sex with Chloe. Turns out the ship was merely going to fly near the star to refuel itself. Crew take it in turns with Chloe to celebrate.
H2-Whoa! October 30, 2009 106 The ship stops off at an ice planet for a drink. Lt. Scott fails at his second bid for oblivion. Most of this episode involves watching people shovel ice and talk about their feelings.
SG-90210 November 6, 2009 107 Eli and Chloe go out to a night club on Earth and talk about their failed love lives. This is the first episode Chloe doesn’t put out. Colonel Young’s wife makes up the difference by doubling up on Colonel Young and Col. Telford.
Future Echoes November 13, 2009 108 On a strange alien world with exploding chest bugs, the Stargate goes mental and starts sending people back in time. Apparently this is in the same way that the SG1 episode ‘1969’ worked, even though the mechanism is totally different. Chloe dies, twice![6]
Boredom November 20, 2009 109 The science crew find a chair that can give you all the knowledge of the Old Timers who built the good ship Density. However, this episode isn’t about that. Col. Young has to go home and tell his wife how he feels about her sleeping with Col. Telford. Some old Asian lesbian goes back to Earth to feel up her lesbian lover.
Retardice December 4, 2009 110 A guy no one cares about on the ship kills himself. Col. Young decides that his best course of action is to let a lesbian take over the ship, beats up Dr. RushBegbie[7] and maroon him on a planet. For the best, Dr. RushBegbie is better off without the rest of those dickheads.
Back April 2, 2010 111 Miraculously, SGU returns back with the second half of the season despite its lowest ratings ever. The old Asian lesbian starts accusing Col. Young for killing off Dr. RushBegbie. Some blue aliens appear in the show and decide to kidnap Chloe for joy. Dr. RushBegbie is apparently held hostage by the blue aliens. He escapes, saves Chole and return back to Density. Col. Young and Dr. RushBegbie does that "for the sake of the crew" speech, and the speech will be recycled in every episode opening.
Stalkers April 9, 2010 112 The blue aliens keep stalking Density every time because the blue aliens can't seem to be enough of Chloe's pussy. Dr. RushBegbie suspects a tracking device on Density, and believes it was implanted on Chloe's pussy. After all the drama and whining, the crew realized the tracking device was on Dr. RushBegbie. The tracking device was later removed and the blue aliens lose its ability to track Density.
Boo-hoo-hoo April 16, 2010 113 The crew discovers an awesome planet with lots of resources. Majority wanted to stay, but Colonel Young threatens them to return back to Density. The crew started crying like kids for the remaining part of the entire episode.
Rush April 23, 2010 114 Dr. RushBegbie's dedicated episode. Apparently Dr. RushBegbie is dreaming because he decides to sit on the magic ancient chair. Meanwhile Eli, Chloe, Lt. Scott and that angry black man were stuck on another planet after Density flew off.
Angry and Black April 30, 2010 115 Being stuck down on the planet, Eli, Chloe, Lt. Scott decides to abandon that angry black man because he is angry and black. Eventually the angry black man returned to Density while the threesome ended in some other planet after dialing the wrong gate.
Oh Snap! May 7, 2010 116 Apparently someone sabotaged the ship's engine. The threesome mysteriously made their way back to Density. The old Asian lesbian swapped body with a crippled scientist. The episode features on lesbian sex with a twist, now with a crippled partner.
Smoking Pot May 14, 2010 117 Density's crew smoked pot and most of them started to hallucinate. As part of The SyFy Channel's campaign to "imagine greater

, the rest of the episode, is up to your imagination. A unicorn on a rainbow appeared in one of the scenes.

Stargate Wrestling Entertainment May 21, 2010 118 Col. Telford returns to realize Colonel Young is back for some serious vengeance. Colonel Young suffocates Col. Telford by venting air. Seriously, you can't change the fact that he's slept with your wife, Young.
Failed Part 1 June 4, 2010 119 The Lucian Alliance finally came up with a solution to take over Density. Dr. RushBegbie was kidnapped and finally got a second chance to blow up another planet just to dial up to Density.
Failed Part 2 June 11, 2010 120 The episode finally ends with the Lucien Alliance kicking the crews' asses, big time!

Season 2[edit]

Title Original Airdate Despair Number Episode Information
Pwned September 28, 2010 201 Just when we think it's all over, the crew miraculously takes back the ship in a way that makes absolutely no sense and could never really work. There would be some great Die Hard on a spaceship action here, but remember that it's SGU. Most of the episode is just about the crew talking about how glad they were that it was all over.
Complaints October 5, 2010 202 They got rid of the Lucian Alliance people which we would rather have instead of the current emotional and useless crew. Some guy we have never heard of before died.
Gateship One October 12, 2010 203 The Density makes contact with a ship that distributes the crappy old Mark 1 Stargates. They attempt to modify it to distribute the better Mark 3 ones or dial home, the episode never made that point clear. There are aliens in it, but that doesn't make it any less horrible.
It's "Infection", not "Disease" October 19, 2010 204 Chloe is found to have acquired STDs from the aliens. Dr. RushBegbie fails to cure her but insists she is fine. Meanwhile on Earth, the SGC refuses to give Eli's mom anything that will cure her HIV, because let's face it, Tretonin doesn't grow on trees and Asgard medical tech isn't cheap.
Fuck the Pain Away October 26, 2010 205 Lieutenant James wants breast reduction surgery after being deprived of having to wear a suitable bra. Knowing that Destiny's breast reduction pods would likely kill her in the process of shrinking them, the crew drew straws on who gets to ride them one last time.
Nightmares of the Sex Tapes November 2, 2010 206 Colonel Young had a serious of vivid sex dreams, the kind where Colonel Young realized he was in a dream within a dream, much like Inception. Later, the crew discovered that Colonel Young had been secretly filming sex tapes with Chloe and TJ. Lt. Scott confronted Colonel Young to brainwash him that he is a "good commander", whatever that means.
The Worser Good November 9, 2010 207 Dr. RushBegbie and Colonel Young investigate an abandoned alien craft adrift just outside Density, Dr. RushBegbie and Young activated the engines to make it fly away, too do some WANKING but both fail to have orgasms. Meanwhile Eli and the crew discover that Dr. RushBegbie has discovered a porn machine and were angry over it because they have wanted but never had the chance to watch porn since they got on the ship.
Dallas November 16, 2010 208 Larry Hagman goes apeshit and escapes trough one of them ringamagiggers to a desert planet. The madness was stopped when Dr. RushBegbies does that Rambo thing to hunt and shoot that escapee down.
Rectify November 22, 2010 209 Barbara Eden is called to Density through the communications stones to assist in the hunt for Larry Hagman.
Clorox and Duct Tape Part I November 29, 2010 210 Density's crew find a Kino on an abandoned planet revealing that in an alternate reality, Eli lost his mind, does the Buffalo Bill dance, and forces Larry Hagman to eat Barbara Eden's asshole. Jesus Christ appears at the end to correct most of the timeline.
Clorox and Duct Tape Part II March 7, 2011 211 The second half of the season is back once again and everyone knows the show will be canned for good no matter how cool or epic the season finale is going to be. Apparently Chloe decided to delay the inevitable doom by keeping in touch of the blue aliens for one last pleasure and a way to remove the STD from her. The crew jumped for joy at the end of the episode as they take in turns with Chloe to celebrate once more.
Begbie Squared March 14, 2011 212 Being desperate to be at home wanking, Eli decided to plan a way to dial Earth and conclude the series for good. Dr. RushBegbie was never happy with how the so-called ending and insisted on carrying on the series. Another Dr. RushBegbie from another timeline was forced to join in this episode to stop this blasphemy. One of the best episodes! Yay for double Dr. RushBegbies!
Black and Yellow March 21, 2011 213 That angry black man and the asian lesbian decided to visit Earth via the magical communication stones, only to find themselves trapped in a rubble. The remaining part of the episode was having these two folks emoing, talking about feelings, and defusing a nuclear bomb in a brightly colored fish tank. Hey, at least they got free chemo.
When Eli’s Dream Came True March 28, 2011 214 Eli was super elated to find his redhead and begbie’s flings’ consciousness stuck in Chloe’s body through the magical stones. After some emoing, talking about feelings and eventually sex, Eli later described that it’s like having foursome by screwing three chicks at the same time. Woohoo for nerds! Sploosh.
McKay is Back! April 4, 2011 215 As ratings slide down faster than a KY slip n' slide and more people stop watching the show as it was aired at the wrong place and the wrong time at the wrong channel, McKay joins to show in an effort to pull up ratings. Did I mentioned he was excited to see Lt. James' assets? Meanwhile, Dr. RushBegbie did something insane, he did cyber sex inside Density’s virtual simulation, don’t ask me how, he did it.
Stargate Predator April 11, 2011 216 The crew decided to go “Predator” style by taking the role of the hunted. One of the best episodes to kill off a huge number of unnecessary characters!
Oops we did it! April 18, 2011 217 One of the best episodes written, but it was too late to save the damn show! Apparently after endless shagging and shameless orgies, with some time travel twist, the crew found their offsprings and their civilization founded two thousand years ago. It’s kind of a mind-fuck thing to meet your great grand descendants and trying hard to explain to them it was all a series of accidents with no proper protection at that point of time! Eli was very excited to find out who his spouse was going to be, only to realize that it will be revealed in the next episode. This was basically a rip off of Star Trek Enterprise's "E2" which was a rip off of Deep Space Nine's episode "Children of Time".
TGIF!? April 25, 2011 218 And the answer to Eli’s question is... Rebecca Black! I have no idea how she appeared on Density... could have been the anomaly formed from the millions of “dislikes” from her Youtube page. Anyway, the crew managed to dump their descendants for good after stockpiling a fresh supply of contraceptives from them. The episode ended off in an emotional and awesome manner, something SGU should deserved long time ago... Free condoms for everyone! In addition, a lot of fans argued that they decided to treat this episode as a true finale of the series. One of the fans commented that the moral of the SGU story is that “it’s better to be safe than sorry”. Pun intended.
Syfy's Vengeance May 2, 2011 219 The swarm of alien robots created by Syfy decided to destroy Density, only to find Density managed to escape again and again every time. Being pissed, Syfy deployed every alien robot at every drop off point in hopes of shooting down Density. Eli outsmarted Syfy and even Dr. RushBegbie with an awesome plan which involves in traveling to an uncharted super hot large blue sun. The plan did come with some flaws though, resulting in majority of the contraceptive stash being burnt and wasted off. With limited supply of contraceptives and plenty of spare time, the crew resorted to talk about their feelings all over again. Like what Colonel Young said, “Damn you Syfy! Damn you!”
When Density Stood Still May 9, 2011 220 Blocked by Syfy’s alien robots at every star and unable to gate for supplies without alerting The SyFy Channel or bypassing Syfy’s new supply of wrestling and cooking shows which has nothing to do with sci-fi, Density appeared to be pretty screwed. Not yet. Our math boy, Eli, once again formulated a totally original idea of dumping everybody in stasis pods to “store” everybody for the next three years, and by then the crew will then return to see what happens after that. Being very gifted, Eli estimated and gambled that Syfy probably would not last for the next three years. With that, Density and its desperate, emotional and sex-deprived crew went off quietly into deep space... and probably that’s was the last we heard from them. The end.

We’ll see how Syfy goes, wrestling and cooking shows on a sci-fi channel, oh please!


One of the Only interesting plus factor to watch the show is Lieutenant James' huge assets. As shown, Eli was caught red handed for videotaping her in the showers.

SGU is full of apparently different people, but they're all so boring and pointless so here's a quick reference chart to remind yourself why you should give a shit about what these people are saying...

  • Colonel Young - Colonel Young is the brain dead leader of the military dickheads. Most of the brain damage stemmed from his extensive boxing career. His wife cheated on him with Colonel Telford. Why? Just take a look at his face.
  • Lieutenant Scott - The ship's frat boy in space. Scott is a sex maniac who will shag literally anything that draws breath. He is also a clumsy idiot who nearly gets killed in every episode, except the one when everyone else dies... he lives.
  • Lieutenant Johansen - The ships 'doctor'. One of the more difficult characters to hate simply because she gets less screen time than the rest. Used to shag Colonel Young even though he looks like her dad. Does anyone not think she looks a little bit like Ashley Judd?
  • Eli Wallace - The ship's nerd. A weak-minded sheep who does whatever Colonel Young tells him to, even when its obviously dumb. Betrays Dr. RushBegbie at every opportunity and whines about his feels for Chloe a lot (like she cares).
  • Chloe Armstrong - The ship's vagina.
  • Lieutenant James - The ship's boobs. The only character in the show that never wears a bra, because her boobs were too big to fit any of the spare bras on board of the ship, and she accidentally left her special-sized bra back on the exploding planet when engaging casual sex with Matt.
  • Sergeant Greer - That angry black man.
  • Camille Wray - Ship's old lesbian shady free mason or something... who knows, she has hardly any screen time, except when in bed with her lesbian lover.
  • Colonel Telford - Some jackass from Earth who works at the Pentagon but spends more time in Col. Young's wife than he does the office.
  • Nicholas Rush - The true redeeming feature of this show, the slightly mad Scottish scientist who has to keep these ungrateful bastards alive. Seems to be the only one on the ship that can keep his dick in his pants. He banged a chick inside the ship's computer. Talk about a mind fuck. And by the way, he is the "Gaius Baltar" of the ship!


This poll shows that the average SGU demographic is 34% retarded, 23% horny but not wanting to admit it, 32% feminist, and 11% sheeple.

When you get tired of watching Chloe be a total whore, you can watch a fairly ugly Asian bitch have a sexual relationship with a young girl. This is an effort by SyFy to make the show "edgier" and more grown up, since we all know that most adult women are lesbians, or at least bisexual.

This special scene comes at a totally random time in the story considering there was an unfinished cliffhanger episode before this one. In the previous episode, called Time (as in Time for the only good one) you get the personal satisfaction of: watching Chloe the Walking Vagina die twice, watching the substitute ship's slut (with substantially larger bosom) die once, watching the angry black man die a slow painful death from worm attacks, and seeing a plot that revolves around the Stargate for a change. In short: it was almost everything the show needed, except people still talked about their damn feelings way too much. But Syfy quickly realized the error of their ways. After all, they are not out to produce a SciFi show, they are out to produce a SyFy show. It's like the difference between using a dildo and using a tampon for the same job.

Therefore, the Time episode ends with the only survivor sending a message in a camera back in time[8] using the Stargate and nothing. No cliff hanger conclusion. Just edgy, tepid Girl on Girl action.

Cancellation of the Series and Stargate Franchise[edit]

Great Scott! Shame about the show!

Stargate Universe was cancelled in late 2010 following poor ratings performance as per the unreliable Nielsen ratings system. The true reason, Syfy felt that it was not profitable to make new original shows with demanding CGI special effects. Instead, they felt that it would be more profitable to air wrestling and cooking shows on a Sci-fi channel! Fans were outraged by the cancellation and demanded the show back. A recent interview with Syfy argued that the Stargate franchise will return back if fans agree to convert wrestling and cooking shows with no special effects with a tinge of Stargate theme to it as the next season of Stargate Universe. This resulted in a recent massive Stargate fan suicides outside the Syfy Building on the Day of Rapture, 21st May 2011.

Syfy Rickroll[edit]

I'm so getting out of this crap!

It turned out that Stargate Universe was in fact the Stargate writers/producers rickrolling SyFy who in turn, & unknowingly rickrolled the entire Stargate fan community. Later, SyFy decided to screen wrestling shows and cooking shows to replace Stargate Universe as part of their lousy attempt to rickroll the Stargate community again.

-- An interview with SGU producer Brad Wright.

But still some people believe SGU is the greatest thing since sliced bread, leading the US Army to round them up into concentration camps in order to deprogram them.

Comparison with Stargate SG-1[edit]

Compare Stargate Universe with the Season 4 episode of Stargate SG-1 "Divide and Conquer". In this episode, an amazingly fine Tok'ra throws herself at Colonel O'Neill absolutely gagging for some hot MacGyver love, but O'Neill tells her politely that it would be inappropriate and declines her advances. Meanwhile, it is essential to the plot of this same episode that Jack O'Neill admits his feelings for Samantha Carter, at risk of death, but the two of them dance around the issue and never say anything outright. Basically they have to talk about their feelings but they don't. In SGU, they never shut the fuck up about their relationship problems!!!

Critical Reception[edit]

SyFy strikes again with one of their brainless drone.

Surprisingly, even from a soap opera point of view, it is still boring as hell.

At the beginning of each episode they say, "these are the wrong people, in the wrong place" but what they actually meant was this show was "written by the wrong writers for the wrong channel."

The show has Stargate in the title but they stubbornly refuse to use the damn thing!

The magical "Stones" which allow people to transfer their consciousness instantaneously across the universe are a complete cop out. But what makes it so much worse is that instead of using the mind transfer stones to bring useful people to the ship to help them get home, instead they bring asshole military men who don't have any clue what they're doing or any discipline. The ranking officer on the ship is "dicking" his wife in his enemy's body!

Some have complained that SGU is nothing more than an attempt to re-package and sell the Box T.V. series, Survivor, to SyFy fans. Supporters of this theory cite the weekly challenges to find and consume rare pig scrotums on alien worlds, mandatory QQing to hovering space cameras, and the season one mid-season finally (hopefully series finally) where they finally votes someone off the island, I mean spaceship. However, the Box network took offensive to these allegations claiming that unlike SyFy channel, aka the network formally known as prince, that the Box network actually has standards, however low they may be, and would never lower those standards to the point to do a show called Space Survivor. However, plans are in place for a new season of Survivor to take place on Omecron Persei 8.

Unfortunately for people who actually enjoy science fiction, TV critics are morons. To the average TV critic, a show about feelings and in which every second camera angle is a cum shot, Stargate Universe is the best thing on TV since the episode of "Who's the Boss", where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. This TV critic is the sort of person who sees anything cultural or mind expanding as something that must instantly be shot down and derided lest he might learn something. This has led to the interesting phenomena across the Internet in which we see pages and pages of blogs and forums written by fans of SG1 and Atlantis and sci-fi in general, all in agreement that SGU is utter irredeemable steaming donkey shit, while on the other hand the "so-called" TV critics all think that SGU is great. The producers of SGU on several occasion have entered into the debate to tell fans of their earlier creations that they are wrong in their opinions of the show and that the no-nothing TV oracles are right. It seems that writing SG-1 has gotten to Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper's heads; they now believe themselves to be our Gods and all opposition and free thought must be crushed! Jaffa! Kree!


This was censored as pornography in Japan.Don't you get excited to see Chole finally died?
  1. Don't ask how, just accept he did it.
  2. unfortunately!
  3. They would have got a ship's cat, but the writers have decided everyone gets to stroke Chloe's pussy.
  4. Most fans of moral humanity cheered when Chloe died (although we were surprised it wasn't from some form of mutated sexual disease - that cauldron of hers must be steaming).
  5. In retrospect, most viewers agree things would have been better if most of them had died.
  6. Although, not from a sex disease, which everyone had anticipated.
  7. the only guy who understands how the ship works
  8. Again, self-destination paradox plot-line forming

See Also[edit]

Please feel free to visit for a whole heap of amusing new take on science fiction. Now with wrestling and cooking shows!