Splatoon
 North Korean Boxart | |
| Video Game | |
|---|---|
| Developer(s) | Netflix |
| Publisher(s) | Nintendo |
| Platform(s) | Wii, Wii U, Nintendo Switch, 3DS, DS |
| Release | June 9, 1969 |
| Genre | MOBA, Third-person shooter, Tentacle porn |
| Modes | Singleplayer, Multiplayer |
Splatoon is a video game made by Nintendo It has so far only been released on Nintendo consoles and will NEVER EVER BE RELEASED ON ANY OTHER PLATFORM. This is quite unfortunate, because Nintendo are Assholes and this game is as popular as Sex
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Splatoon has two modes: Multiplayer and Singleplayer, both play the same way where you control your humanoid Squid character as they proceed to shoot the hell out of other sentient squids in multiplayer, octopus tentacles with faces and female humanoid octopi in campaign mode. Alternatively, you can spray bodily fluids on them, indirectly making the game a tribute to R. Kelly.
Development[edit | edit source]
Splatoon was originally conceived as a Mario-themed orgy simulator, however the sales of Call of Duty caught up to Nintendo, and they decided to instead make a game that is essentially Mario and CoD fused together with cartoonish characters and gun violence.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Throughout the game, the player will encounter various NPCs who server different functions depending on the game mode.
- Callie & Marie: A duo of porn stars who go under the moniker of "Squid Sisters." In addition to fucking each other on camera, despite literally being sisters, they host the multiplayer mode's "Splatfests" which are festival where everybody shoot their bodily fluids at each other.
- Pearl & Marina: A duo of not-yet porn stars who go under the moniker of "Off the Hook." These lesbians not only intend to engage in porn, but also fuck nonstop when not shown to the public. Also hosted Splatfests, in which the monthly bodily fluid spraying is complimented by the two having mind-blowing evil sex on stage. This was considered a major upgrade to the rather bland Callie & Marie.
- Frye, Shiver & Big Man: A trio of wanted criminals under the name "Deep Cut," who have somehow not been arrested despite frequently going live to not only participate in the monthly jizzfest, but to also promote their subpar podcast. Sadly do not have sex on stage.
- Cap'n Craig Cuttlefish: The commander of the New Squidbeak Splatoon in the singleplayer campaign. They recruit the player character as Agent 3 and gives them a license to kill. He has an obsession with crab cakes and is a common weakness to offer him some. Only mildly racist.
- Sheldon: A horseshoe crab, who sells the player guns from his shop: Ammo Knights. He is actually a spy for the Chinese government.
- Otto Octavio: The main antagonist of the game, he wants to get revenge on Cap'n Cuttlefish for sleeping with his wife, despite he and Cap'n Craig already being in a comitted, loving, intimate relationship inside of a snowglobe. He has 4 mechanical arms and is also known as DJ Octopus. Gives Mind-Blowing Head.
- Spyke: A Sea Urchin who is just a random Hobo. Snorts sea snails.
- Murch: Some other random hobo, who also happens to be five years old. Picked up a sea snail habit from his adopted parent.
- Crusty Sean, Jelonzo and Annie: The shopkeepers in the game, a Living tempura, a jellyfish that is obsessed with touching the floor and a sentient version of Nemo's house.
- Little Buddy: An infant fishperson drafted into war by Craig Cuttlefish, adopted by the player character. While small and unassuming, by the end of the third game it's revealed that not only is Little Buddy fully cognizant and 50 feet long, it is also prone to making snide, sarcastic remarks when fighting and has a snarky tone of voice. This spurred universal outrage along with the Twitter hashtag '#MEATGRINDTHEBUDDY,' which, with mounting pressure on Nintendo, caused them to implement a Meat Grinder. This feature in the overworld may only be used once, and interacting with it results in a 30-minute, unskippable cutscene of Little Buddy being slowly shoved into the device, with the resulting refuse being sloppily devoured by the player character.
- Mr. Grizz: Also known as a buffine anomaly 03, the first one you come across, is a guy who runs a shady business in where people risk their lives to find and fertilize eggs that belong to fish people. He turns out to be an evil bear in the third game that is bent on bringing humanity back to earth. He died in the process because of a massive, yet adorable, fish, DJ Octavio, and you. You are a traitor to humanity!!
Story[edit | edit source]
This game has no story whatsoever because it doesn't need one, and nobody would care.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Splatoon became so very popular, thanks to the internet. This prompted many people who wanted to play it but didn't have a Nintendo console to search for alternatives. The game was praised by critics for its unique style of gameplay and aesthetic.
With the release of Splatoon 3, however, it was discovered that the playtesters and lead designers of the game were shaved apes taped to an office chair with a mouse and keyboard glued to their hands, which endlessly jack off to a printed out image of a Super Soaker. While shocking, this has not changed the general stank of awfulness that loomed over the game's community, and nobody has cared enough to stop playing it.