Pilot
“Pilots increase global warming, whereas pirates decrease it.”
Pilots (not to be confused with pielets (small tarts found in tiny liquor stores) or poolets (fashion outlets dedicated to selling human faeces alongside brand-name products)) can often be sighted in and around airports, gay bars and foreign brothels. Usually in that order. Rumored to fly planes, in reality, air navigators usually get shafted with that task. Please do not feed the animals. When the animals are fed it causes an increased risk of injury to both the animal and the flying machine, as the animal is able to then perform metabolic activities, which are not advised in planes.
A common misconception is that pilots cannot experience human emotions such as intimacy and friendship. Pilots have these feelings, but not for other people. Some have deep regards for gladiators; others express affection by wanting to "fly into a mountain" or maneuver "a train into a tunnel." The prime example, Top Gun combines a shallow plot and ponderous gay innuendo, but should have been gaily consigned to a shallow grave.
Being a pilot is a very stressful career and can often lead some to face a BIG, BIG problem. In December 1988, a pilot of a Boeing 747 flying over Lockerbie in Scotland suffered so much stress that his head suddenly exploded. The head explosion was so powerful, it caused the aircraft to break up and crash into suburbia. Pilots have since been tested for any signs of the SEHS syndrome. Air traffic control personnel are now being tested for this after a stressful afternoon at JFK Airport, which at one point became so stressful, the whole team of air traffic controllers' heads exploded simultaneously.
Due to the increased computerization of aircraft, pilots now use the excuse of terrorism to close and lock the flight deck doors shortly before takeoff and utilize the dildos each pilot is issued when they receive their pilots license. These dildos also double as personal flotation devices in case of a water landing. Other activities that pilots engage in behind locked cabin doors include anal penetration (the sole purpose of the co-pilot,) playing I-Spy (see Monty Python,) Whiskey induced hibernation, and singing Bob Seger hits. The issue of potential avionics interference caused by the singing of Bob Seger was addressed at a special FAA hearing in 2010. It was determined at the hearing that the only Bob Seger song safe for in-flight conditions was Against the Wind, but no one wanted to sing it anyways. Other songs declared unsafe for flight included Vanilla Ice's "Hard to Swallow" album, most of R.E.M. and Coldplay, and everything by Barbara Streisand.
If you want to be a pilot there are many things you must be able to do:
- lick your elbow
- talk solely about piloting and planes for the rest of your life
- allow small children to enter your cockpit
- find something wrong or perceived to be wrong with everything
- drink yourself stupid at every opportunity, it eases the pain
- smoke as much weed as an elephant, and fly into the Pacific Ocean. You know that big water near California.
Pilots in History[edit | edit source]
There have been famous pilots throughout history, such as Dumbo, Baloo, Snoopy, Pontious and Billy Bishop, but all were killed when the Red Baron, a formerly unheard of Venezuelan logistics private in the air force, raided their beachfront hotel. He is also a pilot. If you see one, do not feed it.
The Everyday Life of the Pilot[edit | edit source]
When not pretending to fly airplanes and manipulating flight attendants seated on their laps, pilots affect normal lives. First year regional First Officers first receive instruction resulting at first in staggering debts. The pilots graduate to staggering between pubs begging derelicts for free beer. However pilots know they are gods and aren't afraid to show it. Many potential lays have actually spontaneously imploded when a when offered a trip to their "happy copilot." Their motto: Please don't feel the enemas. However, they have a nasty tendency to get into a ground scuffle due to their arrogant tendencies, because they are absolutely useless out of their fancy flying toys, they tend to die on the ground.
Common Pilot Behaviors[edit | edit source]
taking it in the rear. dirty sancheaz's and rusty trombone's. chasing underage kids just to talk to with so they seem smart. finding the nearest bar, liquor store, or bum with a 40 in a paper bag. ops sucks!
How can you tell..[edit | edit source]
...if somebody's a pilot? Large gut, big watch, alcohol on the breath, and he puts everything on Visa.
...there's a pilot at a party? He's just that damm anoying guy in the corner hitting on the 15yr old.
...there's a pilot in the bar? He will tell you.