Lice
This article is about a creature. You better run, you now only have a few hours to live! Use them wisely. Hmm, maybe you could use the teleporter over there?
Lice are microscopic creatures (bugs) that tend to make a living within your hair. These pesky motherfuckers will suck your blood, lay billions of eggs, ignite itches, and make your life a living hell. Lice appear to be quite smarter than us humans assume, because the ol' wig trick never gets 'em, and will only force the lice into a much higher level of rage and will stop at nothing to destroy your precious hair. You're beautiful, precious hair...
When children attending school become aware that they have lice, it is a free pass out of six hours of torturous learning. Teachers every now and then give lice to their students, sometimes even on person. However, barely ever do the parents press charges. (P.S. the nurse's lice checkup feels like a head massage)
Doctors created an antidote for the infestation of lice, called "shampoo". However, the shampoo requires scrubbing. Scrubbing requires hard work. Hard work requires you. And you... you're just lazy. You're not alone, many people are lazy. This is the reason why Albert Einstein invented "Lice Shampoo" in 1940 for you and all other lazy people to enjoy.
Lice detection[edit | edit source]
Lice detection is one of the most horrible things you could do that also helps you, in some way. When a common human discovers that lice are making babies and are making a living within their hair, they become confused. The common human will then ultimately attempt to magnify the newly discovered creature. After Google Images gives the common human a picture, the findings and the picture are compared. Then a panic attack (due to certainty) will also infest the common human. (Most common human females become worried about their hair) By the end of the night, lice victims will be sleeping with mayonnaise smothered into their scalp, just like grandma use to do. With your grandpa.
Lice treatment[edit | edit source]
Lice treatment is rather girly if your mind is elsewhere. However, you seeing lice treatment as a girly thing or not, you gotta get those fuckers out. Who knows how much sex they have had in YOUR hair! God... so gross...
Lice treatment requires three things, really. These three things being; a comb, lice killing gel, and lice shampoo. Four things, if you include your body.
In most cases, people will start with the lice killing gel. Mothers will take their child by the throat and proceed to throw the child over the tub while wearing gas masks and protective suits. Then the child will have the lice killing gel smothered in their hair. Watch those fuckers die! KILL THEM. KILL THEM ALL.
The hair is usually then rinsed, dried, and then blow-dried for the complete results.
The hair is usually then ran through with a comb, while each nit and every live lice is caught and ripped off from EACH and EVERY hair follicle, of course, with applied fashion. In child cases, when the ripping occurs, many screams are let out. Bleeding is normal, death is not... in terms of the surviving lice. (From the lice killing gel)
For the next month, lice shampoo replaces your regular shampoo, and even comes more foul smelling than your regular shampoo and is 90% more likely to protect your virginity. This drops your likelihood of getting laid, obviously.
This process will happen more than once. So savor the flavor.
Post-lice[edit | edit source]
You should never let your guard down, especially after it is literally impossible for another nit or lice to be roaming through your precious hair. This is where lice like to retaliate, coming this round in the dozens. This type of backup is only much stronger, in which you are weak.
Nearly 60% of those taken by the second wave of lice end up dying. Currently, there have been no records of survivors who experienced the third wave or any further waves.
So basically, if you look away for one second, you will die. You will die a painful, bloody death. This death will be witnessed by others, including your family and friends. And they will laugh maniacally as you are slowly drained of life. And no one will attend your funeral. And in the end, you will have never lost your virginity. Be afraid, be very afraid.