iPod

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The popularity of the iPod led to some users becoming violent.

The iPod is a mystical white contraption and government mind control device, that endlessly screams in the foreign language known only to mole people as "Music." The most distinctive feature of the iPod the fact that it is internally programmed to kill babies.

History

The iPod was invented by a mischievous band of frisky kittens with the intent of destroying the human race, and leaving little presents on the carpet. It succeeded in this goal on March 10, 1975. All humans who appear to be living today are in fact weak robotic projections of their original versions before they were all destroyed by iPods.

Known Errors and Flaws

Because iPods were developed by kittens and rushed to the market so quickly, the iPod is a poorly designed device.

  • Even though it runs on MS-DOS, the kittens included ported versions of Windows errors to make users feel more at home with the new interface.
  • Users have found it prone to errors including the dreaded BSOD.
  • The iPod is particularly picky about the types of music it will accept for transfer. For example, the accompanying software recognizes and rejects downloads of any song from the 1970s or 1980s, especially anything by Mill Vanilli, MC Hammer, or the soundtrack of "Footloose" starring Kevin Bacon.

New Releases and Variations

Whenever the urge strikes the upper echelons of Apple Society, a new item is released in the iPod image.

  • Unfortunately, the iPod mini was misnamed as it is actually the size of a MINI car by BMW. iPod minis may only be purchased by people -- men or women -- who enter the store wearing a mini skirt.
  • A device called the iPod photo is now on the market, but buyers should note that it is not actually an iPod, but just a photo of one.
  • The iPod shuffle has been noted to shuffle repeatedly instead of staying put. It's about the width of a man's thumb and is often found stuck in relatively the same places as said thumb. iPod shuffles may only be purchased by people who live in Buffalo, New York.

Product Application Notes

Use a pirated software program called iKnowNothingAboutCopyrightedTunes to share files and music with foreign Web sites and transfer them to your iPod. If you have an iPod or some variation thereof, you can use it to:

Address Book

View the little black book of Madam Heidi Fleiss to verify your husband's name does not appear.

Calendar Function

Schedule times to meet with your crack dealer or your future mother-in-law, whichever is the least offensive. You can even schedule your upcoming nuptials well in advance, but don't bother. After a few months of having this device wired permanently to your cranium, it's unlikely anyone will want to marry you. Your verbal and social skills will be so badly damaged, the only option left for you will be to join a nunnery.

Audio Files

Your iPod can double as a digital voice recorder, if you have enough discretionary income to purchase all the additional overpriced accessories that are endlessly marketed to weak minded consumers. Use your iPod to record class notes so you can cheat on a history test, all the while claiming you're really listening to music.

Alarm Clock

Set your iPod to go off at inappropriate times, like 2:00 AM when your Dad is trying to get a decent night's sleep before his early morning work shift.

Games

Play cute sex games downloadable from that porn site your Mom doesn't know about, especially since you somehow managed to defeat the security software she installed.

Vibrator

Hot wire the internal workings so the whole case shimmies to and fro while it's in your front jeans pocket. Also see iPod shuffle.

Chemotherapy

Hot wire the internal workings so you can save a bundle on your health insurance.

Tips for Using iPod

Here are a few neat ideas for getting the most out of your iPod.

Spy Kids

Whenever you wear your iPod headset, leave one ear bud slightly askew so you can still hear your parents talking. This allows you to selectively ignore comments that don't interest you, while simultaneously enabling you to chime in whenever your attitude, taste in music or maturity are questioned.

Food Pyramid

iPods should never be mistaken for bologna, frankly because they are more likely to resemble moldy cheese. iPods make terrible milkshakes. Do not put your iPod in the blender with ice cream. However, it's perfectly okay to substitute iPod shuffles for pineapple chunks in lime Jello.

Crafts Project

Never spread glue on an iPod. It makes it harder to remove it from your pocket. Invest in a heavy-duty hammer to flatten the iPod for scrapbooking purposes.

Brotherly Love

Your little brother will benefit greatly if you show him how to shove an iPod shuffle up his nose. It's uncomfortable and takes lots of practice, but it's well worth it. Make sure you have a digital camera ready to record the results.

Unnecessary Accessories

Looking for a way to ward off boredom after months of iPod use? Refresh your iPod addiction with these wonderful new add-ons and gadgets.

iFairy

This accessory allows you to plan ahead for those special occasions where you are sure to be the gift recipient. Every time you connect your iPod to your computer, it transfers the browser history of shopping site pages to your iPod and creates a list of "gotta haves." On November 25, or any date you wish, the iPod automatically emails a copy of your list to Jesus, Hanukkah Harry or whatever fantasy character you designate, with a CC to your parents.

iSmell

The iSmell peripheral allows you to download digitized odors that you can play at will, especially during a bad prom date. Favorite downloads include bean fart, hot dog burp, and semester-long locker room t-shirt.

earwaxPod

Seven million stoned iPod users can't be wrong. They were enlisted to help design this unique product used to store your iPod earphones. An earwaxPod is a leftover plastic egg fished out of the dumpster at the end of Easter. If you don't have a dumpster in your backyard, substitute a pill bottle.

iWetsuit

Protects your iPod from being knocked about while in your backpack. The iWetsuit is made of the same thick neoprene material reserved for winter scuba diving attire, but with extra zippers and pockets to store hundreds of iPod accessories. The iWetsuit unfolds into a full length outfit you can wear while listening to your iPod underwater. Folded, the iWetsuit measures 12 by 24 by 4 inches, and makes a great evidence-free weapon for smacking classmates in the head during passing period. Please remove your iPod before attempting to operate it, as the static electricity build-up of the iWetsuit can cause electrocution.

iThink

In less than a week, speak 13 foreign languages fluently, master every martial art known to man, and join an underground rebellion. The iThink attachment plugs directly into the language processing and reasoning centers of your brain by way of a jack on the back of your neck. Matrix interface software is included at no extra cost.

Do-It-Yourself Phone Support

The following is a typical conversation between an iPod support engineer and a novice iPod user.

Support: Welcome to iPod. May I have your social security number, please?
User: What!? You're kidding, right?
Support: To answer that question, I would need to see three types of ID and verify that you are an actual registered user of a specially-licensed iPod.
User: Can't I just give you my telephone number?
Support: Excuse me. I need to take another call.
User: Oh, my God! You're worse than the support agents located in India!
Support: I heard that.

Where to Get Your Own iPod

iPods are the one of the most coveted devices on the market today, coming in second only to solar powered nose hair clippers. Here is an age-by-age guide to where you can acquire your own iPod.

  • Protection Racket (Elementary school) - Schoolyard chums are more than willing to give you an iPod at no cost to you. All you need do is promise to shield them from bullies. Of course, you're not responsible for what might happen to them if they aren't your friend.
  • Locker Rooms (High School) - Hang out while your classmates play volleyball or practice cheerleading. Open an unsecured locker or two and help yourself. That jerk doesn't deserve an iPod anyway...rich bastard! Tip: Cover the security system camera with shaving cream beforehand.
  • Treasure Hunt (College Student) - Invest in one of those metal detectors so you can dig up an abandoned iPod or two on the nearby college campus. Most students know Mom and Dad will cough up money to replace an iPod "stolen" or "lost" during the semester. If you can't find one in the grass, try dumpster diving around the end of the year. Imagine how grateful your dorm roommate will be when you present him with a previously-owned iPod.
  • Subway Stud (Young Urban Professional) - You can get your choice of iPod models if you travel London mass transit systems. Just point out a potential terrorist attack to distract the owner then grab the iPod and go. Chances are, no one will notice in all the mass confusion and hysteria.
  • Apple Store (Homemaker) - Moms can find iPods in the produce section of their neighborhood Safeway stores, right next to the bruised bananas. There are seven varieties of iPods, including iJonathan, iWinesap and iGrannySmith. The store out? Check the purses of other shoppers, normally abandoned for a few seconds in a shopping cart.