Griffith, New South Wales

Griffith. A hamlet in New South Wales, Australia under the illusion it is actually a city. It was once (a city) but after most of the population uprooted and fueled up their 4X4's with Shiraz tainted gumbojuice and rice and headed for the Capital to pay homage at the Great Messiah of Water's feet following the flood of 2010, most could not find their way back or are still in Fyshwick attending the plethora of religious establishments that the nation's capital actually exists for.

Griffith speak

Griffith's official language is Mafia with it's unique dialect only spoken two places in the world - Griffith and by a small band of souvenier sellers on the east side of the Colosseum. Every conversation in Griffith ends in 'bro' because most of the current population's ancestors were WW2 refugees who when they arrived in Sydney or Melbourne or Boringlaide (aka Adelaide) and shared some vino with visiting Yanks (Americans to everyone not from America) GI's who were AWOL on account of the war ending and if they were shipped home they might end up back in the fields. Of course one thing lead to another and after a long boat ride from the country shaped like a boot combined with soldiers and sailors who hadn't seen any horizontal action for some time (after all, not much horizontal potential on board a warship - vertical, now that's another story), well the scene was set and with a cocktail of grappa and moonshine, the result was not pretty. Hence the difficulty for visitors to the hamlet (it is not a destination, more a relief stop or somewhere to go to play gaming machines as the hamlet has 5 licenced clubs per member of society) in distinguishing which public toilet to enter as you can't really tell by watching the locals.

Pinot Noir shortage 2005

It is not just a good news story however. Griffith does have its seedier side, bro. For example, the great Pinot Noir shortage of 2005 was blamed upon the fact that somehow god had sided with the communist invaders from the north who were buying up great swathes of the surrounding country side to plant Rice, a crop totally suited to one of the driest agricultural areas of the country, and one of the driest agricultural areas in the world (this bit is true, really). So the esteemed master witheld the rain once again and the locals had to revert to drinking water, a concept so alien to them that riots occurred at the local drugemporium - aka High School - when water actually flowed from the playground bubblers. This was too much for some families, bro. Local identity Vince the fencer (name changed to protect all innocent fencers in the hamlet, bro) was even heard to stand up at a public meeting convened to chastise the Great Messiah of Water (who was until that time was idolised by all who receive the liquid gold in volumous amounts by diverting the rivers and in so doing commencing a new cycle of evolution as birds who once swam and fished downstream started becoming reptiles, thereby proving Darwin's theory) told the Great Messiah, "get in your Godmobile and please take yourself back to Can'tberra (aka Canberra), please bro." As everyone in Griffith knows, Vince is a very mild mannered wallflower and this sudden burst of cerebral activity surprised even the deepest sleeper at the meeting! Bro.

Unique wildlife

The rare and endangered (only in Griffith) Greenus Treehuggeris', aka Greenie, is rarely seen around Griffith any more. A concerted eradication program commenced in the region in 1977, with the last sighting occurring on the Kidman Way toward Darlington Point, late in 2010. On this occasion the beast was spotted waving copies of the Great Messiah of Water's best seller 'There's gold in them there streams' and raving about finding a horse head in his tent at the local "dope on a rope and vino sculling festival" the previous night. Despite the best efforts of a couple of locals who tried to capture the creature, he jumped a fence and escaped by surfing downstream in the strong current of an irrigation canal.

When driving your 4x4 near Griffith, beware the endangered red Greenus Treehuggeris

Other species commonly found in the area include every type of venomous snake imaginable, European Carp (imported and introduced to Australia around the end of World War II, seemingly via the canal used by Greenus Treehiggis to make his escape), and a creature that looks remarkably like a Giraffe, only is coloured red. Legend has it that it is a mutant Kangaroo who answers to the name of Don bro.

Local Industry

Griffith is proud to call itself the Holland (aka Netherlands) of the south, which is strange due to the fact that the population has evolved from a cross between Medditeranean and Yank stock. This title is due to its liberal approach to growing crops, in which 5 leafed varieties are the largest seller using the bong method (metric and imperial weight measures were banned within 20 miles of the town in 1952). It also is a significant market for horses heads and a brother in law of Vince the fencer (let's call him Giovanno, a fictitious name of course to protect his breeding filly's) claims to be the largest exporter of horse heads in the world, outside of Sicily. Bro Horse Heads is a business everyone in town is proud of.

A small amount of cereal crops such as Banana, pineapples and mangoes is occasionally grown locally, weather conditions being favourable. This is usually done in a square in the main street, Banna Street, which was named named after the actor and Patron Saint of Griffith, Ted Banna.

The other main industry in town is receiving charity from old ladies from interstate. Bus loads of Victorian pensioners arrive at any of the 14,000 licensed clubs in the town, spend their fortnightly pensions on 1 cent gaming machines, have a $5 schnitzel and chips and get back on the bus for the trip home before their colostomy bags need emptying. Griffith certainly is an appealing place, maybe one day the former citizens aimlessly wandering Fyshwick will realise this and stock up the 4x4s with cheap pornography and return to their roots, or at least their families.