Glasses

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The act of losing your glasses has been called "doing a Velma", here's why.

Glasses are a set of two glass-panes in a convenient single frame with ear-hooks that cover a semi-blind person's eyes, allowing them the vision of a non-semi-blind-non-blind-at-all person. They are very handy, since they allow normal vision, and keep semi-blind people from hurting themselves by mistake. The downside, though, is that semi-blind people can only see how ridiculous they look with glasses on, and when attempting to see how they look without them, end up not seeing anything at all. Glasses have a tendency to fall off at the worst of times, but are much easier to find then contact lens, and much easier to find then any remaining bits of your eyes if you try and get laser surgery.

Help! I've Lost My Glasses![edit]

Glasses always fall off at the worst of times. For a situation like this, follow step 4. and don't try step 1. Unless you plan on lathering your hands in urine.

If you wear glasses, this will happen to you at some point in time. There is no likely, or might. It's a fact of life. People with glasses will lose them at some point or another. If you wear glasses, make sure you know where they are at all times. If your glasses happen to fall off, follow these steps, and hopefully, you will find them:

  • Step 1. Get down on your hands and knees, and feel around for them. They are most likely right in front of you.
  • Step 2. If your glasses fall off in a crowded room, scream NOBODY MOVE! I LOST MY GLASSES! so they are not stepped-on.
  • Step 3. If they fall off while your being chased by a Monster or Killer, you're pretty much screwed.
  • Step 4. If they fall off into a pit, hole, well, or wormhole, they are gone. Go buy a new pair.

On second thought, how in the hell will anyone who lost their glasses read this if they can't even see? Oh well; sucks to be them.

Help! My Glasses are Broken! I Can't See![edit]

It happens. When your glasses break due to a misshap caused by yourself, or a dickhead, it really sucks; Get over it. Glasses can break when you do any of the following, which are usually preventable. So it's probably best to take off your glasses while:

Never wear Glasses while facing Mr.T in a Boxing Match.
Those warnings you see about securing all loose articles before getting on the roller coaster are there for a reason ya know...
  • Running on wet, slippery pavement.
  • Picking a fight with a bully.
  • Riding a random roller coaster.
  • Solving a Scooby-Doo mystery.
  • Facing Mr.T in a boxing match.
  • Riding a unicycle.
  • Sky-diving.
  • Riding a Roller coaster.
  • Hunting Horcruxes.
  • Having X-rated Sex.
  • Visiting a Golden Coral.
  • Fighting in a war.
  • Playing any sport.
  • Attempting to lift any oversized load above your head.
  • Navigating a mirror maze.
  • Raiding the Lost Ark.
  • Sleeping.
  • Sucking cock.
  • Eating an enormous sandwich.
  • Running for your life from a psychopath.
  • Taking an enormous shit.
  • Retrieving a mood ring for the girl you fancy by that bee's nest you kicked earlier.
  • Running from scarab beetles.
  • Going down a water slide.
  • Participating in a lightsaber duel.


Of course, the dickhead who breaks your glasses is an unpreventable occurrence, since without your glasses, you are a pathetic weakling. Watch this video below; it's of you and the dickhead who took your glasses:

Why Not Get Contacts or Laser Surgery?[edit]

All Laser Surgery victims end up like this guy. Don't get laser surgery unless you want to be as blind as Ray Charles.

Contacts may seem more stable and suitable then glasses. But if you lose a contact, your pretty much screwed. Trying to find a thin, transparent eye-ball sized lens is as impossible for a semi-blind person to find as it is for the world's fattest man to remember which roll of fat he stuck that cookie in for safe keeping. Plus, they take at least a day to put in, and when removed, they are almost always lost. They also pop-out at the worst of times. Unlike glasses, they are not as easy to spot or feel on the ground, even for your non-semi-blind friends.

Laser Surgery is a Big no-no. You most likely will come out of the procedure blind-as-a-bat, and your eyes will be big, reddish-brown, putrid, ugly scabs in place of your eyes. Trying to find your eyes afterward is next to impossible; even worse then trying to find a missing contact lens. The idea of laser surgey was invent by Dr.Tom Smiley of Scientology fame, (he's bat-shit insane, and obviously, his accomplishments with lasers are not to be trusted),and was tested on Neo,(of Matrix fame) ,resaulting in blinding wounds. Why go blind, when glasses exist?

Famous People Who Wear Glasses[edit]

Don't feel like an outsider if you're semi-blind; there's plenty of famous people out there who will cower in fear like a pathetic weakling and grope around on the floor if you take their frames just like you:

Non-Famous People & Minorities Who Wear Glasses[edit]

  • Emos
  • Nerds
  • Geeks
  • Your Friends
  • Your Girlfriends
  • That homeless guy at the gas station that always asks for spare change even though he knows you never have any on you
  • Your Boyfriends
  • Black Jesus
  • Daniel Tosh
  • Most hot chicks, if you're into that thing (like me)
  • You

List Of Nicknames For People Who Wear Glasses[edit]

  • 4-eyes
  • poindexter
  • geek
  • nerd
  • Googly-Eyes
  • Helan Kellar
  • Ray Charles
  • Velma
  • Poindexter Nerdstorm

See Also[edit]


Dress1.jpg
  Things to hide your ugly body with that you think make you look pretty

Armor | Bikini | Black Tights | Bow tie | Bra | Clip-on tie | Corset | Disguise | Dress | Flip-Flops | Glasses | Gloves | Goggles | Golf clothing | Halloween Costumes | Hats | Kilt | Knickers | Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress | Pajamas | Panties | Pants | Polo shirt | Shoes | Skirt | Socks | Speedos | Thong | Towel | Undies | Viking Metal | Zoot suit