Emo Mobile

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Notice cam-whoring, and innefficeint hiding of 'cell-f' harm scratches on back with MCR sticker.

Everyone has them: mobiles, cell phones, call them what you like. But Emo Mobile phones have a stunning new power, which allows us to spot those depressed, whiny teens a mile off, even if they're is disguised (i.e school uniform).


All emo phones are black, usually with an MCR sticker on the back or two. The phone may feature small scratch marks that are covered up with stickers, but not quite enough to completely cover them. These marks are known as 'cell-f' harm marks, and are usually inflicted across the sides of the phones so as to inflict the least amount of damage, yet are still noticable. Before we finish this, I'd like you to know that I am a complete and utter moron for writing this and many people laugh at my stupidity and obvious lack of what one might call a "life".


By emo law these will always feature at the very minimum two MCR songs, one of which is 'The Black Parade', and the other usually 'I Don't Love You'. Something by a variety of other 'artists' is usually thrown in, with lots of screaming so you can't tell what they're on about. This is probably for the best, as its likely to be about how badly done to the singer (shouter) is.

For some reason they must all feature 'Hips Don't Lie' by Shakira as well, but what this has to do with hating your parents and innefficiently cutting yourself, I don't know. Maybe it's because all the emo boys secretly want to be like her.

The emo that possesses the phone will usually sit at the back off the bus with their phone next to their ear, playing these aloud and repeatedly. This is also characteristic of chav's. The best method of dealing with this is to smash their head against the fire exit handle until it opens and they fall out. The driver won't mind - he'll (she'll if you like!) probally have an emo daughter at home to piss him off - and will probably give you free fares for the rest of your life.


One video will be an awful one of MCR in concert, not only awful for the obvious reason, but also awful from the fact that it will only feature the back of someones head. The sound quality will be poor from the crackling and the music itself, and the person holding it will be a thin emo bisexual who will probably not be able to handle a gig and will fall over and start moaning how much everyone hates them.

The other video will be one of two emo boys getting off, and will be the sole masturbation material, (except Gerard Ways' face), and the most frequently used that the phone owner has.


There will be at least five pictures of the emo owner cam-whoring, often in make-up. Seeing these can make your eyes bleed. A further 25 pictures (at the very least) will be of Gerard Way pulling various expressions and sex faces designed to get adolescent emo boys aroused. Sometimes the emo will have photoshopped themselves into one of the images. The final few pictures will be of- 1 band name other than MCR, usually Enter Shikari or Enter Shakira (which I'm sure we all wouldn't mind doing) or whatever that shit is, 1 photo of their boyfriend/girlfriend/itfriend (you usually can't tell with emos) and 1 picture of their dad asleep, with yoghurt on his face or some other 'hardcore' dare that they did after getting 'pissed' at the MCR gig. There is also likely to be one picture of the emos cuts, quickly scrolled past by the emo, but shown just long enough for you to see. Sometimes there will be a picture of the emos unusually small penis at the very end.

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