Duluth, Minnesota

“Duluth took my heart, and my legs.”

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt on Duluth

Duluth is a fortress city-state in the great state of Minnesota (though is has been argued that the state is not in fact 'great' but merely 'ok').

In the early 1700's a group of French trappers, known as the Unwelcomed Frogs, found an area with a sweet beach on Lake Superior. They colonized the area and soon developed a port to ship beaver skin wallets to Europe. They named this area DeLuet, which translated, roughly means 'Portugal in a bottle.' Over the next few decades the residents adopted an accented drawl which also resulted in the name being mispronounced and, eventually, changed to Duluth.

When Minnesota was annexed, the residents attempted to separate and claim it as an independent nation. The local natives quickly took advantage of this and built several casinos and promptly took control of the rising economy of Duluth. The US Army, led by the ghost of George Custer, quickly crushed the separatists and many of them remained, building grain elevators and shitty bars. One of these bars, known today as the Kozy, still remains and is a focal point in historic renovations in the city.

Duluth is one half of what people call the Twin Ports (the other being the far inferior Wisconsin). It is unknown what the origin of the phrase meant or what the phrase means though many speculate it is derived from an ancient Hebrew dialect.

The Air Conditioned City

Duluth is famous for inventing air conditioning. Saul Airecondicion captured a cold breeze in an empty Icehouse bottle and opened it months later discovering it was still cold. Today Duluth is home to the 14th largest air conditioning bottling plant in the United States. This is also the focal point of Duluth's present economy.

The New Mayor

In 2008, Duluth elected a new mayor, middle schooler Don Ness. He won the election by more than 20 votes over his opponent, the Polar Bear from the Lake Superior Zoo. Once he was sworn in, Ness made sure he would make a difference in the city. Unlike the former mayor, Ness did not have a gambling addiction. He had a sex addiction. He commissioned an add-on to the DECC to be built, which he called, the "Sexatorium". A brothel of sorts, with all the proceeds going to the Duluth Transit Authority, so they can get the homeless smell out of the buses.

Despite being only 14 years old, Ness has made several improvements Duluth in his first term. Rosie O'Donnell has not made an appearance in years, which has attracted celebrities like that guy from the car commercial, and the woman who does the voice of the Esurance girl to visit the town without fearing for their lives. Rumor has it that the bassist from that that one hit wonder band might make a visit, but citizens aren't getting their hopes up.

Lorenzo Music

Lorenzo Music is the most famous Duluthian to date. Music was the voice of Garfield in the cartoon series, which is still the highest grossing animated series in television history. There are currently 8 monuments dedicated to his work and Duluth's official song is 'The Voice of Garfield,' played through intercoms every first Wednesday of each month. Music has repeated several times in interviews that, "Duluthians are scum and I am ashamed to have lived there", but the city knows he was just making a joke, even after Music replied, saying "No I am not joking, they are scum."

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Bill Nye has visited Duluth at least 2 times in the past 50 years. This is meek in comparison of rival television scientist Beakman, who has visited Duluth seven times prior to the Canal Park creator incident of 2005, where a science experiment gone wrong destroyed a large and popular establishment in the former warehouse district. On inspection, however, the Duluth Police Department ruled no damaged had been done; Grandma's Sports Garden had always been that bad. However, unfortunate collateral occurred and the social hub known as 'Grand Slam' was reduced to rubble. After being rebuilt, locals were horrified to discover that is had transformed into an antique shop. The cost to the city of this catastrophe was expected to be catastrophic. However, Current Mayor Don Ness has a plan to generate extra income for the city to pay for the rebuilding; he intends to charge non-residents extra for everything they do in Duluth.

Education System

Duluth was world renowned for its schools in the area during the 1990's, but the city's former mayor, Herb Bergson lost the town's entire education budget when he went "all in" during a poker game against Rosie O'Donnell. Bergson actually had the winning hand, but O'Donnell threatened to destroy the city's aerial lift bridge by biting it in half (ala Jaws in the James Bond movies) if she didn't get the money. Bergson made the correct choice and gave her all the school funding. As a result of this, the city has chosen to create "the Red Plan", which will make the city have just one high school. It will be painted red because scientists (excluding Bill Nye, who claims red is "gayer than snowpants") say it distracts students from the poor quality of the educators employed by the district. The new school will also feature a rusty barrel in every classroom, so that old newspapers and an array of failed math tests can be burned to keep students warm in the winter, as well as scare away the city inspectors. The 3 previous high schools, Denfeld, Central, and East, will all be renovated into Bus Depots.

Facts

• Duluth has at least 10 wild boars that roam the hillside, residents are warned to beware of them since 5 are really horny.
• There is at least one Hummer stretch limo that operates in Duluth, however it has not been confirmed if any people who aren't douchebags have rented it so far.
• Wade Boggs drank his first Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in Duluth.
• The official blanket of Duluth is the quilt.
• Duluth has the highest rate of bar fights in Northern Minnesota, boasting an average of 3.7 fights per bar on any given night, the number is quadrupled if it is on the night of a Packer/Vikings game.
• Duluth has only one documented monster attack, by far the lowest of cities ranging from 75,000 to 150,000 on the Great Lakes. The last monster sighting was Rosie O'Donnell who left the city without doing any major damage.
• Nobody would care about Duluth if it wasn't for the bridge.
• Duluth has the happiest homeless population in the Midwest, with a 10.9 rating.
• In 2006, a bill was passed that made it perfectly legal for Minnesotans to take a dump on any motor vehicles with Wisconsin plates that entered Minnesota.
• Duluth's car wash revenue has increased 750% since 2006. It has surpassed the Vacuum Cleaner industry as the city's leading money maker.
• The Duluth Entertainment Convention Center, or DECC, was built in 1936 and was originally used as the town's brothel until 1994.
• In 1994, the town brothel was moved from the 'DECC' to it's current location of The Depot, previously used as an Indergourd (a reverse 'Underground Railroad') until Jesse Jackson said "Hell no, bitch."
• The Great Lakes Aquarium is the only place in Duluth that has been medically proven to give people diarrhea, even if viewed from the hillside.
• The Downtown Skywalk system was built in 1992 in order to give residents a bird's eye view of the 56 crazy drunks that roam the streets. The drunks have proven too stumbly to make it up the Skywalk stairs, making the project a success.