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In gastronomics, the calorie is the SI unit of energetic deliciousness. In creationist belief, the calorie was created by God to punish people who choose to eat sinful foods (e.g. McDonald's, candy, corn dogs, soda, chocolates, Reese's, etc.) by making them suffer much like anorexics, vegans, and other godless whores.

Food-Energy equivalence[edit]

In 1812, the ancient mechano-alchemist (and part-time raving environmentalist) James "G" Watt hypothesized that food and energy were not necessarily conserved separately, but could actually be converted into each other, according to the LaTeX formula:


However, all attempts to accelerate roast beef sandwiches to the speed of light squared made each sandwich travel sideways in time, causing them to transform into Meryl Streep instead of energy. This ridiculous state of affairs was finally explained to everybody's satisfaction in 1976 by Stephen Hawking in his Nobel Prize-winning Unified Phlogiston-Aether-Élan-Vital Field Theory.

The Great calorie Disaster of 1903[edit]

In 1903, due to a bizarre mixup between English and metric units, the British calorie was accidentally defined to be 1,024 times larger than itself. This unfortunate mistake has been determined to be the primary cause of the sinking of the Titanic, the curse of the Bambino, a greater prevalence of obesity in the United States, and the Great Minnesota Incident of 1903. The resulting public relations disaster has caused no end of grief amongst the perfectly innocent members of the scientific community, and has led to the immediate abolishment of the entire God-given English measurement system worldwide, marking the final triumph of secular-humanist metricism.

Meanwhile, not far away, Oprah Winfrey and her legion of loyal minions were capitalizing on the rampant confusion by using a capital "C" for the bigger calorie, thereby screwing the average American taxpayer out of billions and billions of dollars.

Table of Metricized calorie Units[edit]

Unit Metric equivalent calories How big
calorie calorie 1 1 lick of the outer surface of an unpeeled cucumber
Calorie kilocalorie 1,024 1 Diet Pepsi
CAlorie megacalorie 1,048,576 1 Lean Cuisine
CALorie gigacalorie 1,073,741,824 1 Economy-sized Tub'o'Lard
CALOrie teracalorie 1,099,511,627,776 1 satisfying meal for Oprah Winfrey
CALORie petacalorie 1,125,899,906,842,624 1,099,511,627,776 Diet Pepsis
CALORIe exacalorie 1,152,921,504,606,846,976 1000 megaton nuclear explosion [1]
CALORIE zetacalorie 1,180,591,620,717,411,303,424 God's daily intake!!!

Today's modern scientific definition of the calorie[edit]

In today's modern scientific community, there are more kinds of calorie than you can shake a pointed stick at. Every nation on the planet is required to have its own specific definition of the calorie (per UN Resolution 473.29, section 3, subparagraph 62).

  • The British calorie: energy sufficient to raise 1 gram of warm ale from Ottery St Mary to Basingstoke
  • The French calorie: like the British calorie but 7.5% tastier
  • The Canadian calorie: like the French calorie but 7.5% less rude and obnoxious
  • The American calorie: sufficient food energy to power 1 leggy supermodel
  • The Mexican calorie: amount of deadly radiation emitted by one (1) medium-sized jalapeño pepper per second
  • The Russian calorie: amount of life-giving heat from burning a 1000 ruble note in a stove on a cold winter's day in Vostok, Antarctica
  • The Porn Studio calorie: heat expended by 0.5776 of a pelvic thrust

See also[edit]