Bubbles the Clown
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 Bubbles and the travelling circus | |
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Bubbles the Clown was a notorious criminal and clown who was the boss of the Bubbles crime family, in which he amassed a fortune of $1,000,000,000 dollars and 13 wives. Despite the information on him, nobody knows his actual name.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was born on December 13, 1946 in New Orleans, most likely to a coke whore and a pimp. When he was just 5 years old, his parents sold him to a travelling circus for a half-broken television and an ounce of coke. What was thought to be a travelling circus was actually a travelling criminal organization, and the young Bubbles was subjected to hilarious sights of clowns chasing down midgets with lawnmowers for protection money.
Bubbles' first notable crime came from a brutal beatdown he put on Elvis Presley. According to former members of the travelling circus, Elvis started pleading for mercy, but Bubbles replied with "How about a little less conversation?" Elvis, now singing, responded with, "A little more action," and was promptly hit over the head with a shovel.
Rising through the ranks[edit | edit source]
After about a decade of being in the travelling circus, Bubbles was 15 years old and was starting to make a name for himself in the organization and underground crime.
1956 strip club massacre[edit | edit source]
On December 21, 1956, the travelling circus sent some members down to a strip club for a prostitution racket. Turns out, it is quite odd when a group of five clowns walk into a strip club and start randomly grabbing the strippers. Eventually, a patron called the police and what followed was a brutal bloodbath.
The first police officer arrived at the scene, walked into the entrance and slipped on a banana peel. After his embarrassing slip, he saw one of the clowns standing at the end of the hallway, playing La Cucaracha off of multiple bike horns while hysterically laughing. Overwhelmed by a sense of embarrassment, the officer walked away with his head hung low. Sniffling as he called for back up, and announcing his resignation over the radio.
After backup arrived, they saw the responding officer dead inside of his vehicle, with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He got played so bad by a bunch of clowns he ended his life. Unreal.
The squad of police officers slowly walked inside the strip club with their guns drawn, and instead of hearing 1950's club music, they heard extremely loud carnival music. While walking down the hallway, they heard a bike horn behind them. They turned around to see a grenade being hurled towards them, the grenade exploded and killed all but one, who was severely injured. The gaggle of clowns took their weapons and equipment and stuffed the injured man inside of their clown car.
Escape[edit | edit source]
All of a sudden, the clowns gained a five star wanted level and were soon bombarded by police. The clowns walked outside and started throwing eggs at the helicopters and police cars, which resulted in all of them being gunned down, except Bubbles. He lives because of plot armor. Bubbles got into the clown car and started making his escape. During the chase, officers report that Bubbles was playing carnival music while dropping banana peels and ice cream through the window, which covered the pursuing vehicles windshields. After covering a shit load of windshields, Bubbles spotted a busy 4-way intersection and sped up, narrowly avoiding the cars. Not being able to see in front of them, the cops caused a 67 car pile-up. Which soon exploded because they had drove through a movie set which belonged to Michael Bay.
Promotion to CEC[edit | edit source]
In the travelling circus, Bubbles was promoted to CEC, Chief Executive Clown, and was second-in-command.
FBI investigation[edit | edit source]
Soon after his promotion, the FBI started catching on to the travelling circus, and started investigating heavily. Many clowns were incarcerated by the FBI and began giving information about Bubbles.
Oh, the humanity![edit | edit source]
Feeling the pressure from the investigation, Bubbles made a drastic decision to murder everyone who was involved in the travelling circus as to not be caught. Bubbles organized a meeting in which every member had to attend. About 30 minutes after the meeting began, Bubbles excused himself to the bathroom and unleashed an unstoppable horde of gorillas on the meeting room. Screams and clown honks, followed by loud banging noises and gorilla screams, and even more screams and clown honks. After about a minute, the screams and clown honks stopped. Bubbles had managed to wipe out the entire organization, which raised and cared for him, in less than a minute.
Bubbles crime family[edit | edit source]
Bubbles started his very own crime family immediately, and quickly rose to become the most powerful crime family in the United States in 1970. New members had to dress like a clown 24/7 and attend clown college.
Notable members[edit | edit source]
- Evil Jesus
- Michael Jordan
- Clown Hitler
- An Egyptian taxi driver
- <insert name here>
Antics and crimes of the Bubbles crime family[edit | edit source]
- Burning down city hall and banging the mayor's wife
- Fingering the president's wife
- Placing banana peels on the top of stairs
- Watching an elderly person struggle with opening a jar and saying "Allow me," only to tighten it even more
- Throwing shit at people, like a monkey
- Releasing a gorilla in a fake looking gorilla suit inside of a mall
- Screaming "There's a hawk up my ass!"
- Punting babies and small animals into tornados
- Throwing hotdogs at the mall cop
- Shooting wizards with shotguns
- Rigging port-a-potties to explode
- Pawning war medals
- Assassinating the CEO of Skittles
Assassination of the CEO of Skittles[edit | edit source]
While thinking of new ways to gain revenue for the crime family, Bubbles decided to overtake the Skittles company and have it for his own.
Bubbles used the brilliant tactic of releasing gorillas into the Skittles' headquarters, only to realize the CEO was not there that day, but instead on vacation in Hawaii. The details of the assassination are to gruesome for any sort of media outlet, but it's the reason why Hawaii is no longer habitable.
Capture and interrogation[edit | edit source]
On Halloween, Bubbles was captured by FBI agents outside of his new travelling circus and put into custody. Below is segments of the interrogation, which was carried out by J. Edgar Hoover.
Beginning of interrogation
Hoover: Oh hohoho, it is a pleasure to finally meet you. You're gonna pay for the crimes you've committed.
Bubbles: There's a hawk up my ass!
Hoover: What?!
Ten minutes, fifteen seconds into the interrogation
Hoover: Tell me about the assassination of the Skittles' CEO.
Bubbles: I don't know anything about that, sir.
Hoover: Where's the cheese?!
Bubbles: Huh?
Hoover: Where is it, Bubbles? I know damn well you know where your money is at! leaning closely to Bubbles, in which Bubbles activates his fake flower spray on his chest and soaks Hoover's face with skunk spray
Bubbles: Get fucked!
Hoover: Oh, you little bastard! Hoover lunges at Bubbles but he reverses it and starts giving Hoover a noogie, security rushes in and beats Bubbles with rolling pins
Thirty minutes, five seconds into the interrogation
Hoover, struggling to open a pickle jar: Damn this thing...
Bubbles: Why do you have a pickle jar?
Hoover: I'm hungry. ..eerAAAHH! Fuck this thing!
Bubbles: Allow me.
Hoover: Sure, go ahead.
Bubbles tightens and applies snot to the lid, and hands it back to Hoover
Hoover: Thank you, let's enjoy these pickles. Shall we?
Hoover tries to open the jar, only for his hand to slip off the jar.
Hoover: Oh, WHAT THE FUCK!
Hoover lunges at Bubbles again, except Bubbles steps out of the way and Hoover slams into the wall head-first, Bubbles is harshly spanked
One hour, sixteen minutes into the interrogation
Hoover: And that's the second time I got crabs.
Bubbles: Interesting, also what is that on your face?
Hoover: Huh?
Bubbles opens up his nostril and blows out a booger on Hoover's lip, Hoover gets angry and lunges at Bubbles. Hoover trips and Bubbles starts farting on his face
Incarceration and death[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was not charged with any of his actual crimes he committed, but instead he was charged with three counts of pranking Hoover, and was sentenced to death.
During his stay in prison, Bubbles created a clown gang, and would often try to incite riots. Most of them failed and Bubbles would be beaten by the guards and thrown in solitary confinement. I guess people can't take a joke no more. Bubbles caused much of the tomfoolery that happened in the prison. It's been reported that he's pantsed the prison warden over 10 times.
Death[edit | edit source]
Bubbles was supposed to be beaten to death with fire extinguishers, but the day before his execution, Bubbles escaped and went to his carnival headquarters. He got into his clown car and drove it into J. Edgar Hoover's house, which caused a massive explosion, due to Michael Bay filming nearby. Bubbles was thought to have been immediately killed and his clown horn and nose went flying into a nearby flowing river, which collectors frequently search in hopes of finding his horn and red nose.
