Benedictine College

Benedictine College
The Benedictine Seal of Disapproval
Motto	Backwards, always backwards
Established	1858
School type	Special Education
Head	Given freely
Location	Atchison, Kansas, United States
Campus	Benedictine College
Enrollment	More than a few
Faculty	Yes
Mascot	Rocco the rock

“We got HIGH, I tell you.”

~ Anon on the party culture at BC

“Not here, mate.”

~ BC's lawyers, to Anon

The People's Republic of Benedictine College (or PRBC) is a small, foot-fetished community in the rural town of Atchison, Kansas. The school community is often referred to as "The Cult of Sbeve" or, more shockingly, "Daddy Minnis's Hoes". While the school claims allegiance to Catholicism, it worships community and residentiality as a core tenet of its dystopian belief system. The school was founded by a group of monks who decided to found an abbey in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere in 1857 and name it "St. Benedict's Abbey". A year later, St. Benedict's College was founded in 1858, but apparently because that name wasn't good enough, the hippies decided to rename it Benedictine College in 1971. Visitors to the campus often remark about its excessive focus on positive architecture, friendly atmosphere, and self-proclaimed superiority, qualities which draw striking similarities to communist regimes. The leader of this community is Sbeve Minnis, who is always greeted with a deep bow, in which it is customary to hear the prostrate's back crack under the strain of worship. Commonly, members of the community kiss the ground upon which he walks, in a sign of solidarity with the foot fetish community.

History

St. Benedict's College was founded in 1858 as an all-men's boarding school on the frontier of Kansas, in order to create the ultimate sausage fest of epic proportions. With no Wal-Mart in sight and no sign of civilization for thousands of miles, there was no interference with sausage fest activities in the early years, which paved the way for this unique community to grow and flourish. While sexual attraction on campus has since changed to a fetish for exposed dawgs instead, this ancient college tradition still holds a dear place in the hearts of students. The monks braved the college's first winter with a record-setting enrollment of six students. This enrollment was eclipsed the following year with another record-setting enrollment of seven students. In an effort to keep this ancient tradition alive, Daddy Minnis regularly enjoys speaking on the record-setting enrollment of the college.

Mount St. Scholastica College was founded on the opposite end of town in 1923. As an all-women's boarding school, the girls at The Mount were often dreaming of being mounted upon by the boys across town. This sexual obsession with their co-eds in education continued for the next 48 years until the two campuses merged.

In 1971, college administration decided that in order to make sexual activity between male and female students more accessible, the two campuses would be combined to form the single, unified Benedictine College. Another advantage taken into consideration was the fact that a unified campus would allow optimal community atmosphere, modeled after the communities of communist regimes, where the outside world is but a fleeting, distant memory. With this newfound community atmosphere, the college prioritized indoctrination into the Benedictine Way, convincing students of Benedictine superiority, and provided the college an outlet to foster a crippling caffeine addiction among inhabitants.

Academics

A professor teaches art to a group of sleeping students.

Students are indoctrinated. That's probably about it, so anyway let me tell you about my ... ALL RAVENS FLY HIGH, ALL RAVENS FLY HIGH, ALL RAVENS ...

As Benedictine is classified as a special education college due to the majority of absolute knuckleheads wandering around on the premises, it is to be noted that most lectures involve "a professor" yapping to "some students". After four years of paying a lot of money to repeat this process in various classrooms across campus, "the student" is then rewarded with a piece of paper that signifies something vaguely important.

Campus life

Benedictine is known nationwide as a system that avidly supports the concept of a dictatorship that includes the enforcement by a secretive police force. Just like a certain country in the 1940s, the ResLife Energetic Team Against Redundant Doofuses Systematically (R.E.T.A.R.D.S) strongly enforces a midnight curfew, employing a secret police force known as the Special Police Engagement Dictatorship-continuers (S.P.E.D.) that regularly goes around with a battering ram used to break and enter into unsuspecting student dorms and catch them in the act of drinking alcohol, playing music "too loudly" or making babies.

Spiritual life

As Benedictine is founded on supposed Catholic principles, religious and spiritual activity is a strong part of the existence at Benedictine. Several buildings on campus are well known to be haunted by the ghosts of students who died of boredom in lecture classes in Westerman auditorium, (which has reportedly claimed the lives of more than seventy students). Many students are closely affiliated with the Irish Catholic belief that contains the motto: "I go to Church on Sunday, then it's off to the Pub on Monday." This belief also holds that the more alcohol that you can replace your blood with, the holier you can become.

In accordance with the ongoing battle with students over partying and fun-having, the college creates events at certain times in an effort to prevent students from having fun. This includes having room draw on the most sacred of party days: Toga Tuesday. This year due to room draw's being nixed, they have begun to announce a procession to ... do something ... Honestly I don't even know what it's supposed to be doing. Anyway the procession will walk around for some reason and I guess that's supposed to deter students from partying?

There are several places on or around campus where students can increase their spiritual life/status. The Abbey is one of those, although it might be difficult to focus there when it looks like the badly built Minecraft house your younger cousin built on the family server. Another place is Muellers, the local pub church, where students gather to pray during the nights, singing praises loudly for hours.

Athletics

• Benedictine Football Named after the large black bird of prey known to mimic humans AND peck their eyes, the Benedictine Ravens are the C squad of the slightly more well known Baltimore Ravens football team. It is not well known which team is the better, as both have failed to do much more than spend over $5k on new footballs every month. The average football player at Benedictine has an average body count of minus 3, contrary to what they might claim. The average IQ is also a little bit on the very low side, with a maximum of two brain cells, shared collectively by the entire squad. This leads to them being the leading cause of average class failure in any given class.
• Benedictine Tennis Team Led by a seven-foot-tall geek, this team is entirely made up of girls with too-short skirts, and guys who think they're going to date those girls. (They won't.) The average team practice involves a maximum of two players and minimum of none (the latter being the most common practice).

"Oh that? It'll buff out."

• Benedictine Lacrosse Aside from being the gayest sport on campus, the lacrosse team, or at least the men's lacrosse team, is known for holding the longest losing streak as of today. The women's team, however, is actually pretty good! The men's lacrosse team is most often far more focused on minors then they are on their majors. As with the football team, the lacrosse individual has shockingly low credit score AND IQ. They can however finance a BRAND NEW 2024 DODGE HELLCAT for ONLY 69% APR for 112 YEARS! Now THATS a deal!
• Benedictine Volleyball Everyone on the volleyball team clearly had that weird medical operation where they break your legs to make you tall, because not ONE of them is below 9 feet tall. Talking to any of them is like trying to yell up to the third story of Newman Hall on a Tuesday afternoon. What I'm trying to say is if you are not what women consider to be REALLY FUCKING TALL, do not talk to any of them. (Warning: They might step on you if you're a midget, and your life insurance probably doesn't cover giants stepping on you.)
• Benedictine Car Racing A Benedictine tradition, this sport involves students racing as fast as they possible can in places they probably shouldn't be racing in. Some of the most popular racetracks here at Benedictine include the Abbey Circuit, a rather small circle towards the top of the hill, and the apartment parking lot demolition derby course 500. The winner of any of these races gets rewarded usually with a large fine, but this also comes with the added benefit of gaining the total respect of nobody in particular and now your car is totaled. Good job, mate.
• Benedictine Diving So there is this big bridge in town, and see some people ... well anyway, the diving team dives only once.
• Benedictine Soccer Known for its drinking prowess on and off the field and not much more than that, the Benedictine soccer teams are a group of special education children who washed out of football. They enjoy kicking each other in the balls frequently, and consequently decided that kicking balls INTO other balls was a genius idea, and joined the soccer teams. The women's soccer team is fairly good at kicking the ball into the net, but the men's team is more focused on watching the women's team than actually coring any points. Oh lawd.
• Benedictine Basketball The Benedictine Basketball team is composed of several large trees that somehow grew legs and decided they wanted to throw a ball around. Their games would. probably be hype if more than one person showed up to watch them, but unfortunately dropping a ball in a hoop is NOT very entertaining, especially when they miss most of the shots anyway.
• Benedictine Track and Field/Cross Country These teams, generally combined into the sport of "running" here at Benedictine, are composed entirely of theater kids who feel the need to get some exercise, as yelling at each other and crawling around on stage is retarded and not exactly exercise worthy. None of these kids will be caught dead in the gym, so they spend the majority of their time in ice baths and hiding in closets (not because the football players put them there!).
• Benedictine Intramurals The intramural teams are 99% failed student athletes and people who wish they were actually good at sports. The 1% is a bunch of tryhards who try too hard and usually play in B league when they should be in A league. The most hated team of all time in any league is the Firesheep, who really aren't very good, but are the only team that ever has any subs. They come to the field with an average attendance of 5,000 players, allowing a trade in every 3 seconds or so. Even with this advantage I don't think they've ever won a championship.

Benedictine's Cultural practices

Foot fetish

A sexual attraction to feet is common among inhabitants. The most well-known group on campus, otherwise known as the "caped kids" are known for antics such as Lord of the Rings cosplay, naked dawgs on full display, hanging upside down from tree limbs, and smoking out of really weird pipes. When questioned about the cosplay and smoking, one young buck was quick to explain that he can "... smoke smoke rings out of [my] smoke pipe." The common defense for barefoot walking, foot fetishes, and otherwise socially unacceptable behavior was a defense that barefoot walking allows a return to the natural arch of the foot, prioritizing sexual arousal for those who partake in this fetish.

In an attempt to curb sexual attraction to feet, the college has taken an active stance of encouraging community members to keep them dawgs covered up. This was accomplished through a campus-wide campaign promoting sexual attraction to Daddy Minnis instead. Besides Daddy Minnis, no other campus community member is allowed to display feet within any campus building.

Raven Fight Song

The Raven Fight Song is a treasured part of Benedictine Spirituality. The short chant is a way to promote school spirit and solidarity towards the early years of the college and its humble beginnings. All participants are encouraged to wear red and black and bend over with a back-breaking bow towards the Ferrell Academic Center, where Daddy Minnis' office is located.

Ravens are flying low in the sky, cheer them on their way ho ho ho

Shout out the big and black battle cry, losing always!

Sons of grand ole st benedict, raise your middle fingers high!

Soarin down the toilet, faithful to the flush, ravens always eat their mush!

Daddy Minnis

Daddy Minnis has greatly enjoyed his admiration from students, known as Daddy Minnis's Hoes. Using tunnels made in World War II to protect Benedictine from bombs (as if anyone would bomb Kansas), Sbeve has been known to appear at random points around campus, with a bright smile as he greets students. Students wearing a "Babes of Benedict's" shirt are given special attention in these scenarios. Additionally, male students wearing a "Benedictine Mom" hat and female students wearing a "Benedictine Dad" shirt receive a special blessing from Sbeve.

Parties

The People's Republic of Benedictine College is well-known for its actively villainous stance against partying, pleasure-seeking, and fun-having of any kind (see Springfest).

Holidays and other events

Homecoming

Homecoming is a once-a-year tradition where all students and faculty of Benedictine College engage in a celebration of the core tenets of the school, community and residentiality, and collectively sing the fight song whilst they storm the cafeteria looking for digestible food.

The man drops his woman onto the floor. Criminy.

Sadie Hawkins

The Sadie Hawkins dance is the one dance where the girls have to be the ones to ask the guys out. Unfortunately for the men of Benedictine, no girl will ever ask any of them out, so these dances tend to be less populated than a city that's been struck with a thermonuclear bomb.

Jam For the Lamb

Jam For the Lamb is a major campus event that occurs once per semester. In essence it's a sort of talent show, but in reality it's simply a few of the most popular kids pretending they actually have any sort of talents at all.

Some of the "talents" demonstrated during the performance include:

Singing (Off key.)

Dancing (Does waving your arms really count?)

Juggling (Okay, maybe actual talent.)

Standup (Don't you just LOVE the "your mom" jokes?)

As you can see, truly talented individuals here.

Springfest

Springfest is a well-known tradition on campus to celebrate the end of the school year. During this time, the college throws random games for the ultra-homeschooled, while everyone else goes off campus and tests the limits of their liver for four days straight. With notable events such as "power hour", "the fights", and whatever other random shit people come up with, this weekend is an integral part of Benedictine culture. Last year, someone rented a mechanical bull from an illegal alien, which provided about thirty minutes of entertainment before the mechanical bull broke down. In response to the crime of having "too much fun", the People's Republic of Benedictine College usually mobilizes the full resources of the R.E.T.A.R.D.S. and S.P.E.D. team. In a style similar to Nazi Germany, these units camp outside of entrances to all residence halls to perform mandatory bag checks and sniff (snort?) drinks before entry to any residence hall. Failure to produce "papers" (student identification) is grounds for execution.

The Spring Formal

Occurring only once a year, the Spring Formal is considered to be a high point for the college, but a low point for the students. Tickets for this "exclusive" event range from $75 for a couple to $40 for a single person. Now, no single person in a stable state of mind would ever dream of showing up to the Spring Formal by themselves. The college gets very excited to announce that tickets are "selling out fast" when in fact the usual attendance at the dance is three feral homeschoolers and five wallflowers.

Mob Monday

Mob Monday is quite possibly the best day of the year, as this is when a mob of the finest men of Benedictine form to storm the streets of Atchison in search of their beloved king, Eugene. Eugene is an image depicting the greatest man to ever live, Eugene (Fitzgerald maybe?). The fine mob of men will ransack the women's houses in atchison to find clues the women leave for them, which will lead to Eugene. Once Eugene is acquired, the lads will then cleanse him with the sacred nectar of the gods, beer, and carouse and celebrate his greatness on Toga Tuesday the following evening.

TOGA TOGA TOGA

Toga Tuesday

Another student favorite, Toga Tuesday is when all the students dress up as Roman Senators, and as usual, wreck the town in search of "fun." Activities include, drinking, drinking while driving, drinking while drinking, and other similar drinking activities. Toga Tuesday is designated as a terrorist activity by the college, and they try their hardest to prevent it from occurring every year. Preventative measures include: Having room draw occur at the same time, making a procession to protest it, and saying "don't go" in student emails. Students don't give a shit, and usually go anyway. The S.P.E.D. force is very active during this time, but to their great rage, they are limited to the campus grounds and cannot interfere with the partying.

Notable places on campus

The library

The library. <sigh>

The Quad

A sort of park where you can walk. (Crying here is NOT allowed here and the penalties for doing so are a week's worth of hard labor in the cafeteria.)

The Raven Walk

The Raven Walk was devised by scientists in the 1900s as a form of psychological and mental torture for students. The bright and cheery student waking up to go to an 8am class would see the torture device in place before the academic buildings, and immediately lose all hope and resolve to then become the sluggish and depressed student that we all expect to see on a typical campus.

Consisting of 1,234,456,999 steps, each seven feet tall, the Raven Walk is considered a form of exercise by the more physically fit student, but even they struggle to breathe.

Newman Hall

The worst of all the residence halls on campus is undoubtedly Newman Hall. Newman hall was built in the year 1200 to be a prison for clowns who tried to escape the circus. Having nothing better to do than breed rats, they (through the process of evolution), eventually came up with what we now know to be called Newman residents. Some may still retain their rat-like tendencies. (Some have rat tails, and others have whiskers. They claim it's just a beard but we know better.)

Newman residents will furiously deny any allegations that their hall is worse than the competition's – Turner (or T-Nasty as it's called) – and will attribute the fact that they've never won anything in the yearly campus battles to "we just didn't bother trying this year."

If you spot a Newman resident, approach with extreme caution, do not mention Turner, and be prepared to toss granola bars and healthy food to them.

Turner Hall

Known as the place where cleanliness comes to die, Turner Hall is the most poorly maintained building on campus. If you decide to venture into the Amazon Rainforest (aka Turner Hall's communal bathrooms), be prepared to see a stall without a door (because shitting with friends is FUN!), pubic hair in the showers, urine in clogged sinks and vomit on the floor. In fact, it's so bad that even the campus cleaning crew stays clear of the Turner bathrooms, because we all know that if they thoroughly cleaned it, it would only last a solid 45 minutes to get trashed again.

On the flip side, if you're looking to get some foot action, this is a great place to be.

The apartments

Aside from being more or less the nicest on campus housing possible to achieve for a student, these brutalist structures dating back to the first crusades come fully loaded with state of the art technology and furniture from the middle ages! Want to turn up the A/C? You can't! Is it getting cold in the -20 degree Kansas winter? Hope you brought some firewood! The chairs and sofa can also be used as fuel for heating purposes as well, as they are neither suitable for sitting or taking a nap. The parking here is easily some of the worst, but there are always choices.

1. Park on the street and risk getting a ticket.
2. Park in the faculty lot and get a ticket.
3. Park about a mile away and walk.

The Caf

Truly the most miserable place to ever exist on God's green earth, the caf is where failed chefs go to create the most unholy abominations known to man, that is then served up to unsuspecting students as "food". What. The. Fuck.

The average student will leave the Caf with at LEAST a mild case of lethal food poisoning, severe acid reflux, and major brain damage. Both student Republicans and student Democrats are in bipartisan standing agreement that the caf is the single worst thing that ever happened to the college.

As noted before, the Caf also doubles as a prison/rehabilitation center for students caught by the R.E.T.A.R.D.S. and their S.P.E.D. force.

Crimes can result in punishments including: having to eat a full plate of caf food, having to talk to caf workers, and becoming an honorary caf worker for up to a month.

The Abbey

The 70s really were wild!

Built in the 70s under the influence of various drugs, the Abbey is most commonly known as "that place that looks like the shit my little cousin built in Minecraft". The Abbey is the congregation point for the majority of cult members on campus, where they come together to discuss foot size and whether flip-flops count as bare feet. When not being used by these irreverent fools, this is where the student body attends Mass.

A birds eye image of where there should be parking lots

Parking lots

Haha you really thought we had those here? Get lost.

Holy Grounds

Widely regarded as the main point of congregation for the foot fetish community and otherwise sheltered homeschoolers, Holy Grounds is the main coffee shop on campus, and certainly not as holy as the name might make you think. (It's not like grounds can even go to Church right?) While the walls are decorated with college photos and memorabilia from years past, it is not uncommon for the fetish community to adorn the walls with black-and-white photos of themselves in an apparent effort to stay relevant long into the future (and the past). It is also not uncommon to see numerous flies, gnats, sticky tables and stinky feet exposed when one enters the premises, as the average homeschooler has no concept of cleanliness or self-grooming.

Ferrell Academic Center

The only place in the world where within the space of about 15 square feet it can be both -10 degrees AND 109 degrees Fahrenheit at the same time! Ferrell Academic Center, or FAC, (or FUC even), is the administration building from where the administration administrates. Oh yeah and there are also a bunch of classrooms in it, but not much learning happens here on account of legacy business majors who don't do much other than party. The other majors in here are theology, philosophy, and marketing. Students also come here to "study" late at night. Some fun activities that take place in FAC are: breaking into cafe 62, airplaying dank memes on classroom projectors, and racing wheelchairs in the hallways.

Café 62

Located in the Ferrell Academic Center, Cafe 62 is the highest coffee shop on campus and part of the "cool kids club". It is frequented by students and faculty alike. The most common complaint about Cafe 62 is the short supply of table space, which is in part due to an excessively large doorway on the floor below it which extends into the coffee shop. It is rumored that the crawlspace between this doorway and the entryway below it houses the bodies of students who ate too much caf food and died.

Haverty Pool

How long you boys been down here?

Due to shifting priorities in the college's history, an underground pool is located on campus underneath the Haverty Center. This pool is rumored to have once contained sharks, whales, and your mother. Due to the excessive space taken up by your mother, the college decided the pool was no longer feasible and posed no benefits to the school, so the floor was demolished and a wrestling arena was installed on top of it. Despite being closed to the public, numerous incidents of students squeezing through a small hole in a wall has allowed them access to a crawlspace where the pool was once located. On the other side, one may encounter a decommissioned Bird scooter, which is a remnant of a past age in Atchison history when students regularly vandalized publicly rentable transportation.

Haverty

It could be argued that Haverty was designed as a place for students to study, but it's rather difficult when the second story is a massive gym court, the basement is a wrestling arena, and the rest of it is fully of extremely noisy students busy "studying" with all five thousand of their equally chatty and annoying friends, i.e. you can't study here.

There is also a food distribution center here under the name of "The Roost", which is fairly apt because the only things that come out of it taste sort of like what comes out of a bird's nest: bird poo. (I'm kidding, Haverty food actually rocks, just be wary of undercooked chicken wings.) The chances of you getting sick and dying here are significantly less than your chances are at the Caf, leading the majority of students to rush here during lunchtime, where they stand in food lines stretching for miles, waiting to be served.

Westerman Hall

Named after some random guy who paid a whole bunch of money a whole lot of years ago, Westerman houses the so-called sciences such as biology and chemistry. The engineering, math, and computer science majors also take place in Westerman, but usually inside the walls as that is where rats like them belong. Westerman is also home to Westerman Auditorium, a windowless hellscape that if you squint hard enough, could be compared to a sort of area where a large number of students can pretend to pay attention in class to the professor at the bottom of the room. Westerman also houses several meth labs as well.

The Orthopedic School

While this does not exist as of this moment, there are a few things we do know about it that will be there. A parking lot is not one of those things. There will be a dedicated crying room for all the students failing the medical classes, and there will be a roof mounted surface to air missile launcher to deter students flying drones to try and look at the dead body collection in the all new Benedictine morgue.

Notable alumni

• C. P. Norris
• David Koechner is better known as Todd Pecker on The Office.
• Chris Rutt perpetuated overt racism on pancake boxes across America.
• Sbeve Minnis Duh.
• Not <insert name here>