ARK: Survival Evolved
Ark survival evolved is unambiguously the worst survival action-adventure game, arguably game in general, ever. Despite this however, if you look past the game breaking glitches, the toxic players, the poorly fleshed out broken mechanics, the community in general, the studios inability to finish DLCs, the the poorly designed controls, the never ending grind, having to constantly log back in to feed tames... Where was I? Oh yeah if you ignore all of that its pretty good. I mean if Vin Diesel has over 5000 hours in Ark it can't be that bad right. Right?
Creation of Ark and Wildcard[edit | edit source]
Legend has it that Doug Kennedy, the CEO of wildcard, conceived Ark survival evolved over a one week drug binge in vegas. According to Doug he was sat at a table in a fancy restaurant when Vin Diesel appeared to him in a vision. During the vision, according to Doug, Vin started levitating, wind started gusting around him, glass shattering. The world itself began melting into an infinite nothingness until only Doug and Vin voice remained. Then Vin spoke, the void itself seemed to shake with terrible power, each syllable radiating through every inch of Doug body. While it is unknown what exactly Vin said to Doug mainly because Doug refuses to comment on what happened its believed that Vin commanded Doug to create a dinosaur survival game in exactly 6 months or Vin would kill him. This appeared to put the fear of God/Vin in Doug because as instructed he founded Wildcard studios and created ark despite the limited time frame. However in recent interviews Vin has revealed that he, instead of being a non corporeal God, simply found a drunk Doug in vegas and saw an opportunity. Vin is of course an avid gamer and had for quite some time wanted a game of his own so he reportedly opened a window and then climbed upon a table which Doug in his inebriated state interpreted as Vin levitating and summoning wind. Vin then picked up a nearby black tablecloth and threw it over Doug which had the effect of knowing over his glass of liquid nitrogen shattering it. Vin then stated his demands to Doug. Despite Vin Diesel publicly announcing this in interviews Doug is apparently still unaware and views Vin as a vengeful God who's singled him out for torment.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Arks gameplay mainly consists of passing out, eating shit, being a cocky dick, naked wrestling matches and occasionally riding dinosaurs. Survivors will be dropped into a vast open world with a myriad of creatures Including but not limited to: Tyrannosaurus rex, Stegosaurus, giant flying platypuses, raptors, space whales, space dolphins a literal rock, a literal rock but on fire, a cross between a wolf and a jetpack, several ants and Godzilla. Some of these, such as the literal rock and raptors, are tameable and can be ridden by the player whereas others, such as several ants and Godzilla, can not be tamed. Creatures are split into various groups like marine, land and flyers or drunk, high and depressed. The infamous Giganotosaurus falls into the category of Land and drunk due to the fact that it mainly inhabits mountainous regions far from the ocean and its unreasonable aggression towards anything with breath in its lungs including itself
Ark has several free and paid-for maps including the Island (its what it says on the box), The Center (There's a big floating rock in the, well I'm sure you can figure out where), scorched earth (Just a desert and nothing else), Ragnarok (This is just a good map no complaints), Aberration (What if everything glowed), Valguero (There's ice wyverns here I guess), Extinction (What if Godzilla?) Crystal isles (There's nothing here it's completely empty), Genesis 1 (Unfinished, unstable and unplayable) Lost island (The island again but there's monkeys), Genesis 2 (Actually good map again) and Fjordur (ICE). Well 2 out 13 DLCs being actually fun is pretty good right?