White whale

The Journey of The White Whale is an adventure comic book written by Matt Stern, but was never published. An expansion of the comic book Batman by Bill Finger, Bob Kane, and Jerry Robinson, this is the story of one of the characters in episode #9, appearing in February, 1942. Specific details of the actual whale have been edited. A white whale can be taken in various contexts, one of which is a mystery, or "something you can't get". It may also be a practical joke in which one places his pale, white gluteus maximus upon the face of a friend, spouting anal refuse. The White Whale is a world renowned culinary store that gives inspiration to the comic, specifically with it's meat tenderizer.

Synopsis

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Gandalf dies and then reappears in Fangorn Forest in the next book, Titus Andronicus bakes Tamora's sons in a pie and feeds them to her, Fat Albert goes to Bill Cosby to help him get back to the TV show, Tetra is Zelda, Barnaby is already partly zombified, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, the book "The Number 23" is actually about Jim Carrey's character's past, Brandy Alexander is Shannon's brother, Aeneas leaves Dido so she kills herself, Flint Marko killed Ben Parker by accident, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

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What The White Whale might have looked like had production continued.

Season 1

The White Whale was at one time the same as Beluga Whales, but she made a decision one day that changed her life, and the lives of countless victims, forever. The White Whale had decided to swim upstream. She went right up the Delaware River until she reached the Delaware Water Gap, at which point she thrust herself onto the land. This historic event occurred at roughly the time that the Puritans arrived in the Americas.

The Native Americans immediately recognized The White Whale for what she was: a Goddess. They knew this immediately because "She had the body of a goddess." They kept her alive by dousing her in scented water and by feeding her the finest caviar. But the Puritans had no time for heathen gods, and banished The White Whale to the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, where she spent the next 200 years eating tourists, animals, and small children.

Season 2

During those fateful years, The White Whale evolved dramatically. She developed lungs, grew skin over her blubber, and her dorsal fin shrunk and became miniscule. She also developed an insatiable hunger for human flesh. It was this hunger that drove her out of the shadows of the pines and back into the world.

The 200 years she had missed didn't phase The White Whale at all. She still had the body of a goddess, so she was able to disguise herself as a human relatively easily. But she could not contain her thirst for human blood. School teacher by day, menace by night, she wrecked havoc on the general population. Thousands have been eaten and/or seriously maimed by The White Whale.

Planned, but never written: It is believed that The White Whale may have teamed up with The Wily One. Their goal is nothing other than world domination.

Rumors that she has settled down in northern New Jersey are not confirmed.

Unreleased Content

The Dorsal Fin Trilogy (aka the lost stories of The White Whale)

The dorsal fin of The White Whale Shrunk when she went into hiding for 200 years. These stories focus on the terrible devastation cause by her shrunken dorsal fin. It became cancerous, not to her but to others. The disease spread across the populous, helped by modern transportation. It is believed by most experts that The White Whale is also the source of HIV/AIDs, Hepatitis B, Gonorrhea, explosive diarrhea, liberalism, and a plethora of other STDs. The White Whale herself seems to be immune to her own toxins, or they are merely absorbed by her blubber; either is plausible. On three occasions, SWAT teams have attempted to kill The White Whale because of her disease spreading. On each occasion, Environmentalists, Native Americans, and Gay Rights Activists protested. All three times, The White Whale ate the SWAT team. At the sight of this, the environmentalists and the Native Americans fled to the hills. Sadly, the gay rights activists held their ground. The White Whale proceeded to do a belly flop, crushing their homosexual bodies.

The Portal: An epic in Three Acts

Act I

It was rumored long ago that one portal was open that could reach the caves of The White Whale, one portal to reach the whale, and in the darkness bind her. This was the one portal to rule them all. The Wily One and Harpoon Master May, emerging for their first appearance in the comic, were involved in a particularly intense session of the Waiting Game, in which they met a comrade in their cause the Canadian Conquer. He watched intently as the Harpoon Master and the Wily One fought in the waiting game to end all waiting games. They soon stumbled upon a door. Bubbling with curiosity, they peeked behind that door and saw a towering mountain of white flesh. It was then that they knew what they discovered: the portal of doom. They decided henceforth that they would do whatever was necessary to destroy the menace of whale that terrorized the world, if only for the good of humanity. And they were damn hungry. They learned, through various sources, that The White Whale entertained a school of children every day, for 80 minutes, during which the children were magnetically drawn to the Whale's deceiving brilliance. The trio then decided to disguise themselves as these students and enter the Portal. It was a dangerous move, but necessary. They discovered in them then a magical talent for creating and performing vocabulary stories. While the Wily One and the Harpoon Master read their assignment, the Canadian Conquer observed the White Whale's habits and tendencies. The trio had to step carefully for the Whale was angered when she heard the "B" word. When angered her dorsal fin would pulsate and cause the entire class much pain. This talent would change the fate of all around them.

Act II

Held captive by the Whale, they went through life day by day while slowing gaining The White Whale's trust. Meanwhile, The Wily One, The Harpoon Master and The Canadian Conquer searched for ways to take down The Whale. They reached a conclusion on either harpoons or dynamite, which was coincidentally the same for homosexuals, which was The Harpoon Master's specialty. Pretty soon, they were The White Whale's right fin men. It came to the point where she did their work for them. But there were two people who,though the Wily One and Harpoon Master's friends, appeared to be the allies of The White Whale. These two were King Kristina and Stevan The Man. They disproved of the plans for taking the whale down. It was with great agony that they were sentenced to be taken down with it. But Heroes have to do what Heroes have to do. So down they went. The Wily One and Harpoon Master May did it quickly and quietly. Nobody even noticed that Kristina and Stevan were gone, even their families (because they were adopted and their parents didn't love them).

Act III

Nobody noticed the executions. Nobody, that is, except The White Whale. Her keen sense of smell immediately picked up the smell of decaying flesh (carrion if you will) and, moments later, she arrived on the scene. She saw the dead bodies of Kristina and Stevan, with our heroes standing above them, each holding a rusty spoon, a 2-by-4, and a bottle of Aunt Jemima's. The Wily One and his faithful dog sidekick and canadian acquaintance knew that they were doomed. There was no mercy in The White Whale's eyes, only hunger, hatred, and a faint essence of lust (no one for sure, but it is suspected that The White Whale may have had an uncontrollable sex drive). Our three exceptionally and devilishly handsome heroes fought tooth, claw and harpoon, but they were no match for the cruel might of The White Whale. Her large teeth, her disease-causing dorsal fin, and her blinding speed (or lack thereof) were simply too much to overcome. The Wily One was barely conscious and Harpoon Master May was down for the count. The White Whale reared her ugly head in preparation to violently rip the Wily One's head off when he started whistling. Summoned by the sound of love, the Senile Old Bat came soaring onto the scene. She immediately sank her titanium-alloy dentures into The White Whale's flesh. Howling in pain, The White Whale turned to face this new foe. The Canadian Conquer managed to land one more final shot with his harpoon gun before skate away. At that moment, Harpoon Master May woke up, and he and his mentor galloped off into the sunset. They climbed a mountain and spent some time there licking their wounds. Reports that the mountain they climbed was called Brokeback Mountain are entirely false.

The Untold Story of the Canadian Conquer

The Canadian Conquer was another of the many who rose up to stop the one known as The White Whale. He was a Canadian born in the great state of The North West Territories. He was eager to protect his father land and to expand its mighty borders. However, he was charged with the duty of protecting mother Canada. What better way to protect his beloved country than to take down one of its most fierce enemies, The White Whale. For centuries it had terrorized the Canadian people. The Conquer soon set out with his trusty whale/seal harpoon and harpoon gun. He hunted all across the vast Canadian plains until one day he came across an tense game of the waiting game being played by his new allies in justice, the Wily One and the Harpoon Master. It was then that they came upon a horrific discovery...

The Final Countdown (aka The Good, The Bad, and The Blubber)

This story, the last ever written in the legendary saga, really gets to the moral crux of the matter. The Wily One, along with with his sidekick, Harpoon Master May, confronted The White Whale about the devastation she has caused for several centuries. Of course, this didn't work. The animal side (in other words EVERY side) of The White Whale went into a bloodlust. She raised her enormous head from the water and howled to the moon...like a wolf. She then proceeded to smack around the Wily One. The Wily One fought valiantly, but was over matched by the ogre-like strength possessed by The White Whale. If not for The Harpoon Master diving in and sacrificing his life for his mentor, The Wily One would have surely been killed. The Wily One escaped further inland alive, but maimed. He dragged the dying body of Harpoon Master May with him. Even in his dying moments, The Harpoon Master never wavered in his belief in The White Whale. "There's good in her still...I know there is." And with that he died. It is believed that his last words, which are obviously pure lunacy (as everyone knows, that The White Whale is filled with nothing but pure, unadulterated evil) were the byproduct of a crystal-meth addiction. The Wily One buried his dead protege and then crawled 50,000 miles to the nearest mini-mart, where he spent the rest of his days pumping gas and selling slushies. Some take this turn of events as proof that The Wily One is a failure but this is not so; he makes a damn good slushy.

Supposed Connections to Moby Dick

Her brother Moby Dick was more renowned then his sister though they are both referred to as The White Whale. Even though Moby was more fierce and cunning than his sister, she is his equal in mass and blubber. A quote from Moby Dick here reveals the striking similarities: a white-headed whale with a wrinkled brow and a crooked jaw; whosoever of ye raises me that white-headed whale, with three holes punctured in his starboard fluke". The holes are an obvious reference to the deadly dorsal fin. The text to Moby Dick can be found here.

The Writing Process

Matt Stern went through a laborious, breathtaking effort to bring to the public eyes The White Whale series. First, he created notecards. That was the tricky part, as he had to have quotes from critics and the novel, and four subtopics. He didn't actually use any of these quotes or subtopics, but it was part of his assignment, so he did them anyway, like a true hero. He then made the outline, which was way too long and unnecessary, and ultimately all he had to do when he made the rough draft was eliminate the numbers and letters. In the end, all of this was completely useless, as he was writing a comic book and not a research paper. His teacher didn't even assign a research paper. He got an A- anyway. Sucks for him.

Critical Reception

In Andover, at first people thought that The White Whale was a joke, seeing as it had ridiculous subject matter and an unknown author. Soon, however, the townspeople began to see Matt Stern as a truly talented writer who created extensively humorous stories. Today, Mr. Stern is regarded as a bit of a local hero. According to another student, newspaper editor Evan Wiley, "This is the most original and funny thing to come out of our school for a long time. I hope Matt keeps up the good work and continues to entertain us. Of course, others still see it as just a joke, and do not think it's what the school should be focusing on more productive things. Parent Ken May said in a recent interview, "When there's so much talent in Andover, why are we giving so much attention to a silly cartoon done by a high schooler?" Generally, however, there is warm response to the productions, as people see no harm in it and usually enjoy the production.

Matt Stern

Matt Stern, though known only on the local level of his hometown of Andover, New Jersey, is quite a talented and distinguished author. His works appear serialized in his school paper, though he is yet to be formally published. An avid fan of Batman, Mr. Stern discovered Issue #9, and became very interested. Matt began work on this project in 2001, using his dreams from this issue of Batman as inspiration for his tales. He is also on the school's varsity debate team, where he has had many victories.

His debating abilities, which have been described as "consummate and masterful", played a vital role in his writing. His willingness to look at the other side of the story, combined with his ability make his points clear without sacrificing the intelligence of his content is what makes his writings so popular in the suburbs of New Jersey. Matt Stern recalls one debate in particular as having a massive affect on his writing. Though he lost the debate (he had his head handed to him really), he witnessed two students in the raucous crowd who had made signs supporting Matt. It was then that young Master Stern realized that people, even strangers, recognized the creative ability and literary resourcefulness that reverberated from his sinuous body. This epiphany gave Matt the confidence he needed to proceed with some of his more daring writings. Matt admits that those two students are indirectly responsible for all of his notable writings, especially The White Whale saga.