Wester

A modern Eastern Unorthodox priest standing before the shrine at Noxias. This is reputedly the site of the martyrdom of Saint Alec of Bromhidrosis.

Wester is one of the main festivals in the calendar of the Eastern Unorthodox Church. It occurs on the second Friday of the fourth month, and marks the resurrection and subsequent execution of the Unorthodox Church's spiritual leader, Jesus H Christ. The parallels with the Christian festival of Easter are remarkable – it is believed that both faiths copied the festival from the ancient Pagan festival of Glastonbury, modifying it here and there to fit in with the respective doctrine.

History

Whilst the origin of Wester was the arousal (or resurrection) of J.H. Christ in the year 0, the first known celebration occurred 257 years later. The Emperor Xerectus of Mace, newly converted to Unorthodox Christianity, declared the second Friday of April a celebration of J.H.'s ascent to divinity and, in some opinions, to nougat as well.

The early Macians, who were oppressed by the rival Macedonians, threw off the chains of serfdom and joyously celebrated the first Wester on Friday, April 13^th, 257 AD, as commanded by their emperor. The following Monday they were joyously slaughtered by the Macedonian religious police. Emperor Xerectus hurriedly fled, and escaped to the Bahamas where he opened a duty-free liquor store. The people he left behind – mostly short, swarthy northern Greeks who looked like the last dribbles from the Neanderthal gene pool – continued to celebrate Wester in secret. If discovered they faced ridicule, social ostracism, and a trip to the dreaded Flea-and-Tick Baths of Anatolia.

Only with the rise of the Eastern Unorthodox Popes in 1105 AD did Wester come into its own as a celebration.

Religious significance

Wester technically begins with forty days of self-indulgence prior to Wester Friday, known as Lindt. This corresponds to the period in H. Christ's life in which he was exiled to a Hyatt Regency hotel in Jerusalem with free room service and cable. Then, on Bad Thursday, he suffered a bout of indigestion which was mistaken for a heart attack. Given the lack of medical treatment available at the time, he was pronounced dead and buried in a shallow grave. His subsequent arousal from slumber and emergence (suitably annoyed) from his grave was interpreted by the guys who were drinking wine in the graveyard as a divine resurrection.

Unfortunately the Romans got wind of this unseemly arousal. The Roman regional governor, Cervix Redactus, had just had his bunions removed and felt very very tetchy. The prospect of a bunch of drunks overflowing with religious fervor and homemade fig wine was too much for Cervix's raw temper and stinking feet. He ordered J.H. Christ seized, slapped around, and tossed into the drunk tank. The inebriated followers of J.H., however, rioted outside the jail. Many vomited copiously and miraculously in support of their newly anointed savior. Legend has it the very streets flowed knee-deep with thick, slippery, greenish-gray, sour-smelling ... Never mind.

Anyway, to put a final stop to the hullabaloo Cervix Redactus ordered J.H. excuted. Thus, on Wester Friday of the year 0 AD, J. H. Christ was burned at the stake as a poopyhead.

This event is commemorated by the eating of "burnt stick buns", small raisin-filled cakes on cocktail sticks which have been ritually scorched. In addition the token of the Eastern Unorthodox death-symbol – the goat – is given at this time. These candy tokens, small clusters of chocolate nuggets, are called Goat D'ouvres, or "goat doo" for short.

Wester is significant because it reminds us of how Jesus H. Christ battled indigestion for the sins of mankind, and was generously killed for it.