Uses for Uncyclopedia

The presence of this picture here is arguably somewhat redundant.

So, you've found Uncyclopedia. Maybe you're thinking: okay, but what can Uncyclopedia do for me? In what way is it useful?

If that's what you're thinking, please go away.

However, to answer your question, Uncyclopedia has the following uses:

Finding a girlfriend

Girls are tired of standard pickup lines. Walk up to a girl and say "Hi, my name is Brad," and she'll just roll her eyes. But walk up to a girl and say "Hi, my name is <insert name here> and I spend all my time on Uncyclopedia," and her ankles will immediately shoot up into the air. In fact, you'll want to stand a couple steps back while you unzip your pants, or you're likely to take a stiletto heel to the mouth.

Now, obviously, the fact that you're reading this suggests that you might not know what to do in the above-described section. Uncyclopedia can help you with that, too. Click "Random page" a few times, and you'll find that the average Uncyclopedia article gives you several sexual pointers - ideas for techniques that women find extremely pleasing and normal.

Covert communication between Al Qaeda cells

It is a little-known fact that the vast majority of all Al Qaeda communiqués are filtered through Uncyclopedia. For example, have you ever looked at the article "Braille"? No, I mean, really looked at it? Well, have you ever looked on it while you were on weed, man?

Uncyclopedia is attractive to Al Qaeda for several reasons. Perhaps most importantly, it contains no articles offensive to Muslims. Also, it is a certified Jew-free zone. Finally, it complies with Sharia law; there are no women here. And if there were, you can be certain that they'd cover their faces.

Kindling

Print out every article on the site, and make your own hard copy of Uncyclopedia. You have our guarantee: you'll find it extremely flammable. Guarantee void in Minnesota, and/or if you print it on asbestos.

Be warned that it is not safe to print out user pages for this purpose. Some user pages will come off the printer already flaming, which will set the whole pile on fire and burn down your house. Others are just a mess of synthetic templates; lighting them on fire would be like bringing a candle into a middle-aged Italian woman's closet.

Padding your résumé

The above picture should be made so large that all the text appears in tiny columns. Employers love tiny columns.

Is the only thing on your résumé, "Assistant Manager, Wendy's, May 2004"? Well, now you can add "Member of the Order, Uncyclopedia, 2008-present" right below it. And under your job duties, write "Created quality articles such as 'I raped your sister' and 'Niggers'." Even if it doesn't land you the job, at least your résumé will occupy all four corners of an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper without resorting to octuple-spacing and clip art.

Still too short? That's okay: we're here to help. No résumé is complete without a punchy objective. Try this one: "[[File:Hitlerbear.png|right|750px]]To seek quality employment at an unjustifiably high rate of pay in a fast-moving, progressive workplace with no fat chicks."

If you're worried that the picture won't render when you mail the résumé out, well, don't. That's right: stop worrying. Knock it the fuck off, or we'll give you something to worry about.

The benefit of this objective is that it conveys to your prospective employer that you like money and that you have strong feelings about physical fitness, or at least about the physical fitness of women. Also, the fact that Hitlerbear covers approximately four fifths of the sheet of paper will squeeze your text together, making it look like you're so qualified that you had to choose every word carefully to get your qualifications across.

Padding your bra

If you've been following the advice of this article, you should have a large pile of ash by now. You might be inclined to just throw it away. Don't! Be like the Native Americans, who use every part of a buffalo. (Although, in fairness, their use for the penis is kind of puerile).

That's right: ash is perhaps the best material for stuffing one's bra. I've heard that a woman's breasts feel exactly like balloons full of ash, and I got that from a pretty reliable source. So, don't be shy! Men just love big-breasted women (or men) who smell like a forest fire and shoot a cloud of black dust from their chest every time they take a step.