User talk:UnMcCandlish

Welcome!

Hello, UnMcCandlish, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:

• Beginner's Guide
• Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
• How to be funny and not just stupid

If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:

• About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
• How to get started editing on Uncyclopedia
• Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:UnMcCandlish/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.

If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome!  ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:54, August 20, 2011 (UTC)

I didn't thank you, so telling me I'm "welcome" is a non sequitur. My contributions were not to amuse you, but myself, so thanking me for them is inappropriate. Hell, it would be anyway; this isn't Pickyweedia and we're not building an encyclopedia here or doing any other sort of allegedly productive volunteer work. You have no idea who I am or what I am like, so assuming you know anything about "people like me" is some kinda chutzpah, there.

• I'm not a noob, and I don't need a beginner's guide. I've been editing here (infrequently, as an anon) longer than most of your admins have had user accounts here, or pubic hair for that matter, and I've been using wikis for ages. I code templates that would make most people's brains core-dump. I actually read your silly policies and guidelines because I was bored. They didn't tell me jack that wasn't apparent just reading and using the system for 5 minutes. So either they are stupid or I'm a supergenius, or both, right?
• You don't care about my friends? I don't care about my "friends" either. Not one of those bastards visited me in jail. That has nothing to do with vanity. It just would've been nice to see someone other than my chronic masturba-farter cell-"mate" after a few weeks. See if I ever buy any of those jerks a beer again, unless I want something from them.
• UN:HTBFANJS is a futile document. You can't teach humor and intelligence.

If I read anything at all? It'll probably be my e-mail.

• Isn't there a point in your guidelines on being funny that just negating/reversing things isn't actually funny? So, eh, the Five Pliers, Be Italic, etc.?
• How to get started editing? Hmm, I'm pretty sure there's a way to use ParserFunctions to see if I have an editing history. If I do, then the welcome template should skip that bullet.
• Help pages: Couldn't find anything about getting laid, finding true love, bringing back my dead Granny, making my cat some meowling like a banshee or getting credit card companies to stop ripping me off with high interest rates. Other issues seem kinda less pressing, and not worth looking up documentation for until I get to the important stuff.

Enjoy editing here? No, I'm a psychological Masochist and edit because of the pain. Or not. I did not agree to such a label. I prefer "Uncyclops". Wow! automatically?!? UnMcCandlish 09:27, August 20, 2011 (UTC) golly jeepers, it works.

It's cute that you call them "articles". If I create an "article", I'll do it in mainspace, since I have the brainpower to actually write something worth not deleting on the first try (see above; supergenius). Besides, I bet you delete-and-ban-happy Good Ol' Boys "accidentally" delete userspace drafts all the time just to watch people rant and beg and flame and cry. I'm not trapped that easily. And that {{construction}} template looks like some kind of Xmas card mailing label. I hate Xmas. Can we make one in Halloween colors? Just a holiday-theme= parameter would do it. Orange and black with skull for Halloween.

The current colonization? Well, I'm disappointed that the US abandoned Liberia. And What the hell are the Dutch still doing trying to run the Antilles from half a planet away? Me, I'm irritated that we don't have moon and Mars colonies (and flying cars) like TV and comics promised me that we surely would back when I was a kid. What a ripoff. I have no idea what that has to do with editing your existing articles, which is all I ever did anyway. "Afraid"? Why would I be afraid to use a website? I'm afraid of heavily armed cops. And psychotic bitches on crank, with knives (or with hepatitis and teeth; I'd rather be stabbed). And large carnivores. Especially sharks. When I was a child I was fascinated by the sea and wanted to be a marine biologist. Then I saw an old National Geographic TV show about sharks. I still cringe. And thanks for that "dive" metaphor. Now I'm having a shark-induced panic attack.

If I need help? Well, obviously, but I didn't come here for therapy. UN:AAN: Wow, doesn't any sucker really fall for that? How humiliating! Great idea though, to see who'll shame themselves. Oooh! You're a sneaky one, ain'tcha? "Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join." Nice trap - if I ever leave a message on your talk page, since you appear on that list that means I'm automatically declaring myself a noob looking to be adopted. Ha! You forgot: s-u-p-e-r-g-e-n-i-u-s. "Frosty"? Damn, now I want an ice cream sammich, but it's 3 in the morning. — UnMcCandlish (Talk • Contribs) 09:42, August 20, 2011 (UTC)