User talk:Phrike
Oh Dear...[edit source]
Hello, Phrike, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Unfortunately, we've noticed that your contributions - not to put too fine a point on it - have been crap. Basically, we think you're a spammer/vandal/10-year-old. But don't despair! We have ways to make you talk.. ahem. I mean, there are ways to get you out of this mess.
- Beginner's Guide
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
- If you're a vandal, this may be your wake up-call!
- How to be funny and not just stupid
If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
- Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
Good luck and I'm sorry you got off to such a bad start. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (
) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
If you need help or think this template has been placed unfairly, please ask me or an admin on their talk page, rather than going bat-fuck-insane. Alternatively you can ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Again, welcome! ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 
03:21, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
Vandalism is pointless[edit source]
 | This is an essay. It is not an ignorable policy on Uncyclopedia, so you should ignore it even more and disregard the mad ramblings of its writer. Or you could submit it as an Uncycloversity assignment in lieu of doing any actual work. |
One thing that Uncyclopedia is absolutely full of is idiot vandals, who just love making a mess and think it's really hilarious and stuff like that. Well, I'm here to bring a simple fact to the attention of those idiotic morons; for lack of better, more insulting words:
VANDALISM IS 100% POINTLESS.
You're probably thinking you've removed all the text and now there's no way whatsoever to retrieve it and put it back. Well, unfortunately for you, that's just totally wrong. I would now like you to turn your attention to Exhibit A:
Well, that's just about it really. It only takes an editor 2 minutes (at most) to notice you've vandalized something and 2 seconds to change it back. Whilst it might have taken you 20 minutes to imagine up your essay and click that save button with glee, all your hard work can be undone in a fraction of that time.
"But what if I vandalize so many pages you couldn't possibly revert them all?"[edit source]
Hmm yeah, why didn't I think of that and create a tool to fix that?
Oh wait I did.
The next stage[edit source]
Well, really, if you have learned from all this rambling, there is no next stage, but if you follow the naive belief you can get away with it, your username will end up here and everyone will laugh at pity you, your lack of intelligence and your stupid belief that you could actually get away with trying.
Keeping track of Vandalism[edit source]
This is what essentially makes vandalism as pointless as it is. Using the Recent Changes tab located on your sidebar I can view up to the last 500 changes to Uncyclopedia. And when I see this edit:
05:29 Curious George (diff | hist) . . (-11,543) . . 71.202.134.119 (Talk) (←Replaced page with 'Okay! I admit it. I'm gay!') [rollback]
I laugh, undo it in 1 second and report you to an admin.
So, in summary, if you think it'll be amusing to vandalize Uncyclopedia, just remember that it doesn't work. I can revert it easily and in the blink of an eye.
Writing is fun![edit source]
Did you know that writing articles for Uncyclopedia is scientifically proven to be ten times more fun than vandalizing them? So say you're sorry and get writing for goodness' sake; we love our writers and they always get laid. (Results may vary.)