User:Zenwolf/Suckovia

== Suckovia ==

Suckovia is a once prosperous, relatively undead free, small eastern European country that exists on the dark side of a mountain. Suckovia's primary export is suck. It is well known internationally as the birthplace of the vacuum. Being on the bottom of a dark mountain side which is prone to rock falls, mountain slides, cougar attacks and goats that steal babies, the Suckovians only joy in life is a clean floor.

Main Street of the Capital of Suckovian after a major infrastructure expansion

Suckovia: A Pre-History

The founding of Suckovia directly followed the great Euro-Asian Pirate-Hooker raids which plagued the dismal land-locked country. The few living victims from the genocide of the Pirate-Hooker-Ninja versus the Ninja-Hooker-Pirate wars fled to the area of Suckovia because it is the only place that no one else sane in the world would ever go. This is further proven by Suckovia being completely bypassed in all major migrations.

Alexander Goatse VanHoutte penned the first free constitution in 1171 [pre-dating the Magna Carta] for what he was promptly beheaded by a raging mob of Suckovians demanding the return of despotism. In the early days of the country there was much lawlessness. Cats were living Dogs and raw bacon hung free from trees for children to suckle. Alexander II ‘The Lawmaker/Impaler’ was finally able to establish law and order by instituting the Suckovian вкусно-бекон Act of 1347. According to the law, everyone found without carrying some form of tasty bacon would be drawn, impaled, quartered, re-sawn together, beheaded then burned at the stake on sight. Out of fear he is celebrated as one of the founding fathers of Suckovia.

The reign of Alexander II ‘The Lawmaker/Impaler’ was the most prosperous in Suckovian history. He is credited with creating the wealthy upper class, by looting from the poor. He also used inventive military tactics to deter would be invaders. He personally gouged out the eyes of all his soldiers, hoping that witnessing such a horrible treatment at the hands of a tyrant, all would be invaders would think twice before attacking. Needless to say no one ever invaded Suckovia. To date historians argue whether this is due to Alexander II’s inventive military genius or due to the fact that no one was aware of the existence of Suckovia up till recently.

Suckovia also had imperialistic ambitions during the age of expansion. The great-great-great-great-great grandfather of the current ruler Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ Dyson-Hoover built a huge armada of 378 sailing ships between 1498 and 1506 before he realized the country is landlocked. This discovery put an end to Suckovia’s overseas exploits. Unfortunately the shipbuilding efforts also consumed all the trees in the kingdom leaving it entirely barren.

During WWII Germany attempted to conquer and annex Suckovia, but despite their best efforts they failed to locate the country. Nazi Germany finally gave-up their plans in early 1943. Soviet plans to conquer Suckovia met a similar fate. Suckovia: the Early Years and economic prosperity

During the industrial revolution Urm’Om Da’Hur led the way creating numerous factories dedicated to removing the chrome from trailer hitches. This was duty that other more prosperous counties farmed out to the Suckovians for $8500 Sucknits ($0.10 USD) a go. Suckits is the national currency. It is become an utterly useless form of currency in later years as the residents have begun to notice it is in fact a 1 ply toilet paper with an ink stamp indicating the value. Most Suckovians refuse to part with their “funds” as actual toilet paper costs are sky rocketing.

Suckovia: Modern Politics and tradition

Modern Suckovia is ruled by a Mad Despot. Andrew Hoover-Dyson the 8th (AKA Darth Tink). Having taken the throne [literally] in a violent coup from his Mother and Uncle, the Former King and Queen (respectively) Andrew has plunged the country into bitter turmoil. Once Suckovia had a diversified portfolio of various sucking mechanisms, everything from low-grade bathroom plungers, to “<3-only” Children’s glass building climbing equipment. Now, Suckovians have only suck and there is currently a world surplus. To try to alleviate the skyrocketing inflation, Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ abolished the bacon tax to no avail, as pigs in Suckovia were extinct in the 18th century and no one had any bacon since.

Andrew ‘The Mad’ Dyson-Hoover employs pirate ninja hookers as his personal guard and rules with an iron fist. His hobbies include public executions, random beatings, performing ballet, synchronized swimming and reading bedtime stories. It should also be noted that his parents were zombie-were-vampires.

Suckovia’s most sacred symbols include the golden plunger and the iron broom. Every ruler is expected to stick the golden plunger on his head as a crown, while holding the iron broom with both hands. Since the rule of Alexius Suckopopulis in the 19th century, the traditional Royal attire is a French handmaiden’s outfit, while the court is expected to dress as Swiss milkmaids. Needless to say, the Royal court consists exclusively of males. Defying tradition, Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ occasionally dresses up as a Swiss milkmaid.

Suckovia: Religion

Suckovia’s official religion is progressive-orthodox indo-Chinese Judaism. People opposing the official religion are forced to watch Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ perform ballet in a public stadium. Repeat offenders are forced to enrol in one of the country’s synchronized swimming schools.

Suckovia: Military

The Suckovian army is small but concentrates on quality. The imperial bodyguard consists of a cohort of highly trained undead ninja-pirate hookers [not to be confused with the undead pirate-ninja hookers.]

Army Three regiments [a division] of broom brandishing infantrymen form the core of the Suckovian army. They are issued a standard second broom they can ride, potentially acting as light ‘cavalry.’ These troops are mainly employed to cause mayhem and confusion in enemy lines.

The only mechanized formation in the Suckovian army is a crack battalion of horse drawn industrial vacuum cleaners. Throughout the history these forces devastated many would be invaders [mainly delusional people who were wondering the plains for days before stumbling on Suckovian territory.]

Suckovia also has a cohort of mountain goat riding light mountain troops for special operations.

Navy

The bulk of Suckovia’s navy is made from the leftovers of the ‘Grand Armada.’ To patrol the land, slaves are harnessed to pull the ships on dry land. Due to lack of wood, centuries of poor maintenance and the short life expectancy of slaves, barely a hundred ships are in service today. Suckovia enjoys absolute naval supremacy compared to its other landlocked neighbours.

Air Force In the late ’90s Suckovia purchased a state-of-the-art stelath fighter [note the typo] from China for $350 million [paid in solid gold, completely emptying the state treasury] which they successfully rolled down the mountainside onto a rebelling village. The aircraft slammed into a few buildings, successfully destroying three dirt huts and partially damaged a few more. The occupants were protesting in the capital at the time, so there were no casualties, but the aircraft was completely destroyed in the raid. Shortly after this Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ abandoned his dreams of high tech air force as the price of the jet clearly outweighed the price of the mud huts.

Currently Suckovia is a proud owner of the world’s biggest military kite force which is still growing! Due to the lack of wood, kite-frames are made of rock. The only mountain in the middle of the kingdom provides the Suckovian military-complex with enough raw materials to make airframes and is also used as a natural ‘airstrip.’ Loyal villages at the foot of the mountain were evacuated to avoid unsuccessful take-offs. New recruits take off facing the rebelling villages. More recently intelligence agencies report that Suckovia is pursuing the possibility to put weapons in space.

Weapons in Space

One Sunday afternoon while watching Japanese cartoons about giant robots turning into cars and airplanes, Czar Andrew ‘The Mad’ Dyson-Hoover had the idea of developing orbital weapon platforms. After mining half of the great Suckovian Mountain for building material, he realized there is not enough stone in the country to build a high enough tower to put weapons in space. As a dictator he is determined to pursue his dream and is actively pursuing getting more limestone by all means, perhaps even through military conquest.

Suckovia: social life

Playing the lottery is always popular. Using lottery, every week a number of people are selected for execution. The rules are very similar to the traditional lottery, but reversed. The more someone pays into the royal treasury the slimmer the chance of being selected for execution.

The game show Survivor is also very popular, pitting unarmed obese people against an angry horde of starved rats. To date there were no survivors.

The show Amazing Race is becoming more and more popular. Contestants of the show have to outrun a hungry pack of wolves. The winner gets to stay alive, until selected for lottery. Suckovia is also the home of the Suckovia roulette. Suckovians only play with a fully loaded automatic weapon.

Young people usually gather on Friday nights for the traditional weekly witch hunt and the jolly burning at the stake. The weekends are more relaxed, people taking part in traditional street fights and random acts of vandalism.

Sports in Suckovia

Contrary to the propaganda distributed buy the Suckovian Travel Deacon’s there are in fact no state condoned sports in Suckovia, anymore. As rare archival picture of two famous French-Canadian Social Anthropologists engaged in “JugPlunger” illustrates the only “sport” available to the common folk demanded such a high level of skill, the last time it was attempted nearly 47,000 Suckovians were decapitated.

Volo’s Guide to Travel in Suckovia

Having only been discovered within the last half-century (technically it had been discovered, but it was though best to suppress any knowledge of Suckovia) the concept of travel is relatively new. While the vacuum business had been booming, it was primarily and export only economy. In order to bring “жертвы” to Suckovia the Suckovian Travel Deacon Society (STDS) have started an aggressive multimedia marketing campaign. By Air (Mentally disabled pigeons), By Billboard (technically a guy named Bill who smacks lost hikers with a board and brings them back unconscious) and through wireless communications (smoke signals which have resulted in half of the villages being burnt down within the first week) we in the rest of world have had our attention drawn into the mystery and awe of Suckovia.

Country Life

97% of Suckovians live in rural areas. There are no roads, signs, paths or maps interconnecting the savage, dirty, not-dead ridden country side. But those who make the effort either perish or reap the benefits of a virgin paradise virtually untouched by mankind. Picture taking is illegal, but those caught without a functioning camera will flogged, beaten, coated in flour and deep-fried in the lava-pits of Mount Suckovia. The Peasants are a happy bunch; the rate of suicide rate has dropped to less then 5/6 of the birth rate in recent years. Through improvements in mining techniques (to build Kombat Kites) abundant sources of meat and meat by-products have been found so travellers are rarely ever consumed by a starving populace.

City Life

Roughly 2% of Suckovians are born and inbred city-folk. The knowledge of door creation has been passed from father to son sewn into the traditional canvas bikini underwear for generations. With the advent of doors in 1892, and the abolishment of the 1743 law prohibiting “семья” more then 2 Suckovians are allowed to live under the same mud roof without fear of “Prima Necro”. This is the ancient right of the ruler of Suckovia to execute anyone caught living without a 6 day old corpse. Respect for the dead being of high import in order to prevent the not dead from ravaging the city.

Cities are constructed in a complex multilevel design in order to confuse attackers. The issue is that since tunnels are constantly being filled and new ones created, no one knows how to get from one place to another for more then 1 couple days. Tunnel creation is the leading form of employment next to badger fighter. Suckovian cities are surrounded by a deep moat patrolled by members of the Suckovian Navy. The moat is only 15 feet wide, so the ships make a slow circle. No room for oars so the Suckovian Sailors (SS) must tow the ships via ropes tied to their necks.

At least 9 times a year the great Battlement Underground Topsoil Trap plug is pulled and the moat is flushed into the underground city to cleanse the dirt walls. Upstairs the City is built on Stilts made of pure Aluminum and the citizens enjoy jumping from pole to pole to make it from building to building. These “Buildings” are 10x10x4 foot structures housing 7-9 families. Windows and other forms of ventilation have not been invented yet; the only access is the door. Human waste (lawyers) occupies a level halfway between the tunnels and stilt homes. They filter the fecal matter for goodies and pass the raw material to the tunnel crews to brick the walls of the tunnels.

Night Life

Suckovians are boisterous and angry people, very anti-social by nature. Night clubs are the only popular form of social interaction. As there are no permanent structures (asides from Castle Suckovia) a rough perimeter is constructed and when it gets really dark you club random people and take them home. All the while the “band” chants “club-hair-cave-shave-deprave-grave” to a trance beat.

Unlife

The class structure in Suckovia permits one undead per household. They perform most of the functions of what a traditional maid/butler would perform. Since the end of the Ninja-Pirate-Hooker wars the “not dead” no longer have an elevated role in society. These “veterans” are relegated to menial tasks and would rebel except for the rarity of brain matter to feed their awesome might.

Camping and Outdoors

Suckovians like to get back to nature and escape on long-weekends. Technically there is only one weekend, and it lasts for 18 hours. Wealthier Suckovians maintain Estates under rotten logs, often overlooking tar pits or fire-swamps.

Sightseeing

The vast and beautiful plains of Suckovia are an impressive site. However, there are snakes on the plains. To avoid the Snakes on plains Suckovians often travel to Mount Suckovia (bound and gagged) for ritual sacrifice. The Mountain which shelters most Suckovia from the sun partially erupts once every 6 weeks spilling choking ash. Full eruption of the volcano happens every year on the same day, same time. This event kicks off “Youth in Asia” week with a formal presentation involving the Suckovian Elders at the base of Mount Suckovia.

Time Keeping and the Suckovian Calendar

Devices and mechanisms which record dates, times for review are illegal. They are also pointless. Suckovia exists on the dark side of a mountain and Suckovians do not know how to read or write. Officially there are 67 and ¾ Months in Suckovian year. Every 3rd month is a leap month. Leap months have 37 days, normal ones have 29 days. There are 18 hours per day and 33 minutes per hour.