User:Withoutalltoes/HowTo:Shit Yourself

For centuries, people have puzzled and struggled to come to terms with their own failings. They see inadequacies that seem not to be erasable, that seem too great to cope with, almost too much to live with. One of these fundamental problems is that, try as they might, people have never come to terms with being unable to shit themselves.

It is said that as many as 75% of people ask the question each day: "How do I shit myself?" Well, there's no good answer. Some mysteries remain best unsolved. Humanity is thwarted in the quest to reach for the solution. It's only sad that after all the strain and tension of trying to extract the hidden ingredient from the abyss of truth, all we are left with is a mess that cannot be cleaned up.

René Descartes

The influential French philosopher and mathematician (1596 - 1650) pondered on his knowledge of existence for many years, resulting in the culmination of his efforts; the paper 'Discourse on the Method' (1637). This contained Descartes' best-known quote - "crapito ergo sum" or, in English, "I stink, therefore I am".

This maxim arose from Descartes' underpants, which had filled with chokingly pungent faecal matter, prompting the involuntary thought, "I wish to die" and thus engulfing the senses to such an extent that Descartes was forced to conclude that he was indeed alive and sentient.

The Question

Therefore, all those wishing to resuscitate themselves from their drab days have invariably attempted to prove to the world at large that they do exist and that they can feel emotions stronger than ever before. This is achieved by shitting oneself. In this way, the question of "How do I shit myself?" has become something of a catchphrase, alongside other favourites such as, "Shit happens", "This is good shit" and "We make sexy time now!".

Though the question seems relatively simple to provide a solution to, there are numerous obstacles confronting truth seekers in their quest for a more fulfilling and shitty life. These obstacles are known as 'the problem'.

The Problem

Despite the effort that defecation disciples have put in, humans seem to have a genuine problem with releasing faeces in any place other than the toilet. Statistics show that babies who have not received potty-training classes are the happiest of all groups of people, on average. Those with "control" over their bowels appear to suffer more from depression and frustration and have lower scores on happiness surveys.

This suggests that one must conquer the training we receive to plop in the potty, although the government continues to force all infants to begin these classes before they have the capacity to understand the consequences. However, it is possible to reverse the training with perseverance and application. Diarrhoea helps as well.

If one can overcome the urge to hold it in, the rewards that are reaped can be great. However, merely trying harder rarely seems to contest the social desirability and etiquette of leaving lunch in one's intestine and as such is often unsuccessful. There is but one place to turn to for advice...

The Grail

The Grail consists of all known advice on the subject of how to shit oneself.

1. It is usual to make the first attempts among close friends since this increases the chance of success, though reduces the feelings of acute self-awareness and distinction between life and death normal in "stranger shittings".
2. The use of nappies inhibits the release of odour and thus render the process ineffective. For those who speak other dialects of English, 'diapers' are exactly the same thing. Other devices such as night pants, plastic bags and loads and loads of tissues are also not advised.
3. Straining against the natural laws is unlikely to work.
4. Straining unnaturally is unlikely to work.
5. There is doubt as to the effect of laxatives and other substances on the enlightening processes of defecating. In other words, utilising these agents is unlikely to work.
6. Commonly, it is found that Descartes' maxim contains the implicit instruction, "stink", which suggests one quality of all successful attempts.
7. Try to surprise yourself.
8. Try not to surprise anyone else.

The future

The human race lives in hope that all may be granted vision and realisation of the nature of their lives. There is also the hope that the tyrannical shit-stirrers that are the government end their oppressive regime of potty-training, thus turning our children into robots before they begin to think for themselves.

In the dying words of René Descartes - "Let shit happen!"