User:Voodooeskimo/sandbox

Eskiman Free State

Organization, believed to be limited among mysterious figures in the kingdom of The Nessie while simultaneously comprising the greatest warriors in history. This organization’s primary purpose appears to be avoiding the question as to what its primary purpose is.

The history of the Eskimos

In the beginning, there was Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo, aka God. With him was Barry, the Sidekick God of Pancakes. They didn’t create the Universe or anything, he just woke up one morning and it was there. He was not fond of it, as it produced light and he wanted to sleep. But when it became apparent that it was not going away, he created the demon Raikaimono and threw him into space, knowing that when he hit a planet, his first act would be to destroy the universe and Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo could sleep. Barry, at this point, made pancakes. And they were good.

Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo.

Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo was correct. Raikaimono landed on a planet then known as Old Red Jack the Planet and changed its name to Earth, for the Greek “Earth”, for “planet where the Greeks realistically should not have existed yet.” The planet was abandoned except for creatures known as Old Red Jack the Only Creatures Inhabiting Old Red Jack the Planet, which he called penguins. In a spot known as Old Red Jack the Climactic Setting, which he called Waukegan, Il., he created a huge-ass factory and built what he called “snowmen” to work it. In this factory were built devices which cannot be spoken of here, because they will spoil the plot.

Raikaimono then built the first Eskimo. This Eskimo, known as Chupacabra, was perfect in every aspect. To fix him, Raikaimono shouted horrible things about Chupacabra’s mother until he shrank into a small creature the size of a bobcat, developed rabies, and went to Old Red Jack the Southern Part of the Continent to kill people, even though they did not exist yet, except in penguin form. In honor of him, Raikaimono created people and sent them down to the land, which he called Cheeseland (later corrupted into “South America”).

One day, Raikaimono, out of ideas of things to screw up, picked up a penguin, cut it into pieces, and cooked it. Far away, the sidekick god Barry saw this and Barryfied the cut of penguin, turning it into a Penguin Pancake. After huffing this Pancake, Raikaimono created snowmen and painted them black, calling them Eskimo Inventors, for the Greek “Eskimo”, for “coolest thing since Oscar Wilde”. These EIs went into the factory and built, during a grueling time lasting more than sixteen minutes, the first Eskimo, HoverMan. Raikaimono outfitted this Eskimo with Electronic Arts, on the assumption that he would invent Electronics sometime in the future. He set to work on another Eskimo.

At this point, the legend becomes hazy, and we enter what is known as the two-hour Period of Mystery, the importance of which shall be explained later. All that is known is that, two hours later, the Eskimo who would be known as RayRay existed. A bizarre accident occurred at this point, when Old Red Jack the Marxist-Leninist Philosophy infiltrated the snowman population. The snowmen revolted and destroyed Waukegan. The explosion that resulted from the invocation of Todasubase (a magic spell, the only thing that could destroy a creation of Raikaimono) on Waukegan partially blinded HoverMan for life and drove RayRay insane, a condition which still persists during the full moon. The first Eskimo, pissed off extremely, accidentally invoked the Eskimo powers which he had received from the Todasubase. He blew the fuck out of Old Red Jack the South Carroll County Special School District. Raikaimono, seeing this, did several things.

First, he named that Eskimo MafiaMan, for his uncontrollably powerful anger. Then, he wiped their memories. He did this wiping with a natural substance known as Old Red Jack the Charmin©- brand Memory-Wiping Towel. He was going to destroy these towels, followed by the bestupored Eskimos, but he instead locked them in a plywood box, an unovercomeable obstacle in this Pre-Crowbar age. He went to destroy the Eskimos, but was startled when RayRay, still with his memory wiped, managed to remember how to read and read aloud the Book of Voodoo, in which was written the Todasubase spell the Communist snowmen had used to destroy Waukegan. The ensuing explosion opened an Espertenenceanosotros, a portal which occasionally results from a Todasubase and sends people places. This portal sent Raikaimono to Iceland and the Eskimos to different parts of the continent. The plywood box went with MafiaMan to The Nessie, landing in Na Shavile while MafiaMan stopped in Kalax Berge. RayRay, instead, was transported to Katas Aqua in the wintry land of Penn’s Sylvania, where he lived out the ensuing three millennia. MafiaMan did the same.

Eventually, fleeing Chupacabra, people migrated north from Cheeseland and settled both of these places. A family found RayRay playing with himself in the snow and took him in. A different family found MafiaMan drawing out plans for something called a “Playstation 360” and took him in as well.

The Darkness

The following years were known as The Darkness. Seeing it as the trite piece of crap that it is, the author will now proceed to skip over it.

Three thousand years later

RayRay’s family was forced to flee Penn’s Sylvania when the reigning dictator, King Ridge XVI, learned his parents had been exposing him as a flake. They happened to emigrate to The Nessie. Here, MafiaMan had been captured by the cruel overlords of the newly reborn South Carroll County Special School District in Kalax Berge, which longed to make him suffer for the destruction of its previous, less evil form. RayRay, not knowing their mutual past, saw it fit to help MafiaMan escape to Na Shavile, where he was promptly made king. While battling the SCCSSD (pronounced “sczd”), the two of them stumbled upon the plywood box of Raikaimono.

Once the two of them ate the Old Red Jack the Charmin©-brand Memory-Wiping Towels, they learned of their past. Also in the box was the Book of Voodoo. There, Raikaimono had carelessly left the magic spells that would give RayRay and MafiaMan control of their Eskimo Powers. RayRay was compelled to make the pilgrimage to the holy land of Red Bank, where, in an unnecessarily dramatic scene, the Council of Voodoo—David Wong, John Cheese, Jay Pinkerton, Karla Pacheco, and Harry Turtledove for some reason—bestowed upon him the Power of the VoodooSorcerer. With this, he became RayRay the VoodooEskimo, with unmatched skills in coordination, useless information, movement, camouflage, intellect, and igloo-construction. He also had the power to Summon Eskimals, including the UberPenguins, warriors of the penguin race, SpaceWalri, which were like normal Earth walri but far cooler and flying and stuff, and Levitating Llamas, which have no purpose at all.

MafiaMan made a similar pilgrimage to Losan Gales, where he was met by the Council of the Eggman. Jay, Silent Bob, Brodie, Banky Edwards, and Lord Limecat of Limea were all there to give him the Power of the EggnigmaSorcerer. Following the pattern, he became MafiaMan the EggnigmaEskimo. He has intensified Electronic Arts, also known as Digitalfullness, to the point where Playstation football teams castrate themselves on the field and bleed to death rather than suffer the humiliation of losing against him and broken computers spontaneously combust in his presence rather than face his wrath. He also gained Uninvulnerabilitienesshood, which left him able to defeat anyone in the verbal arts. When he later learned Spanish, this power doubled.

The battles of the Eskimos

The Eskiman Free State, which was formed by the two of them after their pilgrimages and their return to The Nessie, flipped a coin and decided to use their powers for pseudo-good. The author here turns back to the Purple Book of Eskimu to recite some of the events that happened afterwards.

The war on Neverland

The Purple Book reads as follows on the war of Neverland:

“Aliens of completely different species attacked us several times. Once, six of them showed up at the same time. We confused them so much, they attacked and destroyed each other. In retaliation, the Demon Hailey threw a comet at the Earth. I [RayRay] had to summon an army of SpaceWalri to jack that sucka and throw it into Sun. To prevent another equally silly scene, we [MafiaMan and I] invaded Neverland, the home of the Demon Hailey. When the Demon was revealed to be none other than Michael Jackson, we were…not even remotely surprised, really. Michael sent an army of PrepubescentKids to attack us. MafiaMan used his EggnigmaSorcerer Baking skills to conjure a SuperCake. This drew the Kids away, who engorged themselves until they were round enough to be destroyed. All this time, I was summoning my VoodooSorcerer powers to me. I searched the land of Neverland. I finally came upon Michael Jackson, who was disguised—very well-as Peter Pan. I actually asked him directions to the bathroom before noticing that he had no face. At this point, I used a—“ ‘’The following term can only be translated to “UberBitchSlap” in English’’—“, which left him reduced to a black hole. This black hole then turned white and gay. Our battle was over. We left the land of Neverland and retreated to what is known in Eskimu as a ‘titty bar.’ We shot pool, went home, and fell asleep.”

It is largely believed by Eskimologists that this event is one of the few that did actually take place, though Michael Jackson denies it.

The Idaho War

At publication, leading Eskimologist Delepsgam Adidal reports that there are as-yet undeciphered pages of the Purple Book mentioning a war against the independent nation of Idaho. While this source of information is still unavailable, we do have an anonymous account, believed to have been written by MafiaMan, as to what transpired:

“We weren’t doing a damn thing to them when they attacked. We were just hanging around the Igloal Links, playing Barbarian Golf, which is like normal golf but played with swords. I swung back to take a shot, when all of a sudden the ball moved. I attributed it at first to the penguins I had just smoked1, made a slight correction to the right, and swung. I missed the ball completely. Because I am the greatest golf player in history, greater than Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, and Jesus2 put together, this could only be explained in one way: there were sinister demonic moles underground, moving the balls around in an attempt to sabotage my golf game. I posited this theory to RayRay, who, passing the PenguinPipe back to me, agreed solemnly. We proceeded to tear the Igloal Links a new asshole, install a colostomy bag, and then cut it into pieces. I am saddened to say that RayRay was badly injured by my sword in the process. Fortunately, he used his VoodooSorcerer powers to Locomotion the pain away, in what I am told is an ancient and wise method of the VoodooSorcerers.

“Shockingly, we found no moles. We sat around and drank key lime soda3 while we wondered about that. Suddenly, RayRay burst up with an idea. He had just shot up some CheeseBalls4 while he was thinking, and the only possible answer occurred to him. The GolfMoles were aborigines of the nation of Idaho, and were sent as an attack wave.”

“Contrary to popular belief, Idaho is not a state. Idaho seceded from the Idaho-Montana Union in 20X9 following the Second Fluffy Hat War, which is not particularly well documented. Idaho Free State declares that it has a population of twelve million, but this is only because they allow potatoes and tumbleweeds to vote. Of the humans in the state, five are potato farmers, one is a Wyomingian spy disguised as a dog who is actually working for Canada as a quadruple agent, for he has convinced the Montantanians that he is working to restore the Union, and the last one is Dan Quayle5, who was sent here, his Hell, after being assassinated last week6. Thus, there are either six or seven people there, depending on whether Dan Quayle counts as a person7.

“The GolfMoles, we assumed, were hiding in Idaho after their sortie into the Free State. We promptly ate some EskiCuban Sandwiches. I activated my EggnigmaSorcerer Powers, opened the Sacred Book of Voodoo, and read of the passage saying, “So You Need To Attack Idaho Before You Sober Up And Realize You Are Fucking Crazy”. After I read it, we were in Idaho.

“We were shocked by what we found. There, in the potato fields of Idaho, were WMD storehouses cleverly disguised as giant metal penises. Horrified, we destroyed all the metal penises we could find. Afterwards, we destroyed the potato fields that we assumed were used to create the illegal weapons. In retaliation for the manipulation of those poor, innocent potatoes, we slaughtered everything we could find. We killed all five farmers, cut them into pieces, and flushed them down the toilet. We couldn’t find the spy masquerading as a dog. We were going to kill Dan Quayle to put him out of his misery, but we discovered that he could not be killed again. He could suffer pain, though, so we just hurt the hell out of him for a while.

“When we woke up, we were lying in a field that had clearly been fucked up very badly. We couldn’t remember how we had got there, or why Dan Quayle was screaming about vowels, so we just left. When we got back to the Igloal Links, we found it had been badly damaged by some asshole. RayRay used his UberLandscapery to restore it to new. We went to what we call a ‘titty bar’, played some pool, went home, and fell asleep.”

1. Smoked penguins are not the same as ordinary penguins. Smokeable penguins belong to the species Uberpimpus fourtwentyus, as opposed to ordinary penguins, which are Uberpimpus lookatthatfunnylookingthingwaddlus. The legendary UberPenguins, warriors of the penguin race, are Uberpimpus 31337u5.
2. An overexaggeration. While MafiaMan’s midrange game owns all others, Jesus had undefeatable putting skill and was the only golfer in history who could chip on water.
3. Ambrosia. It is said that, if an Eskimo with his MadSkill(Voodoo or Eggnigma) high washes down Wahoo!™ brand chips with Stewart’s Key Lime Soda, he will shit pure platinum.
4. A combination of cocaine and cheese. Popularized by Captain Ed of Tenacious D fame.
5. Cannot spell potato(e).
6. True.
7. False.

Since the destruction of Idaho is already a known fact, this is obviously true. The Eskiman Free State has neither confirmed nor denied the allegation.

PenguinBob and the Eskimification of history

Six thousand years A.U., the Eskimos were gradually learning that there was another Eskimo in existence. Since Chupacabra was no longer an Eskimo in even the remotest sense, the only possibility was that Raikaimono had created another Eskimo in the Period of Mystery. This Eskimo, who had been blown into space and landed on Atlantis on the Moon, had been tinkering with the fabric of time. To counter this, MafiaMan and RayRay mounted SpaceWalri and flew up to find him.

The first thing they knew was that someone had meddled in the Civil War, as history now showed General Marcus L. Flapencakes had led the Union of Sausage to defeat against Jim Bob Schenfraueden’s Biscuit Brigade at the battle of Yankovic Heights. They weren’t very well versed in history, but they think they would have remembered the Union of Sausage. They took their SpaceWalri back to the year 1825 to find the rogue Eskimo. They didn’t know that the change didn’t occur for forty years after that because they didn’t bring a history book. They were fortunate, then, that the rogue Eskimo was also lost in time, and they were able to capture him.

Under the influence of sodium penguinthal, the rogue admitted that he was created by Raikaimono as a cross between Roberto, the great UberPenguin, and an Eskimo. His name was PenguinBob, and he had gone insane and turned evil for the same reason that RayRay and MafiaMan were unable to remember his creation: purposes of plot development. He now saw the error of his ways, however, and wished to mend his ways. The Eskimos, on the other hand, decided that history was better the way PenguinBob left it, and that they should all go change it some more. The result of this was historical Eskimification:

• The Thirty Years’ War was won by Croatia when General Hoẁầچл(pronounced “beef jerky”) won the Battle of Antarctica against the Du Pont Corporation. Oscar Wilde was not involved.
• Francesco Franco was a bitch boy who turned Spain into a larger version of his patron city. In tribute, Spain was renamed San Francesco.
• John. C. Calhoun was, somehow, even gayer.
• David Wong was elected President of the World in 1945. His opponent, Jake FrankenStalin, was disappointed but recognized the need.
• A statue of John Cheese stands in Red Bank, capital of Earth. Everyone is required to make a pilgrimage to this statue once in his or her life to lick it.
• Hawaii never existed.
• Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo placed an interdiction on the SCCSSD, preventing any further demons to emerge from it.

PenguinBob turned out to be an excellent addition to the Free State. Upon reaching their base in The Nessie, Bob was outfitted with Wahoo™ chips and Stewart’s™ key lime soda and sent on a pilgrimage to Rockville, in a faraway land, to learn DruidEskimo skills from the Council of Druids. This was made up of Rob Thomas, Indo-Pakistani fondue telemarketer extraordinaire, the ghost of Mitch Hedberg, Stephen Lynch, and Lee and Captain Ed from Tenacious D. From them, he learned the DaFoo, which gave him skills such as Magic Spinning Loose Change Throw and StupidFight Cockpunch; Foobility, making him a master Flamewarrior; and UltraFunk, which gave him his companion: Drive-Thru the Magic Floating Boom Box, which plays only the best music at the best times. He was now a DruidSorcerer..

The final confrontation with Raikaimono

Warning: Contains some pseudo-serious material.

Of course, the growth of the Eskiman Free State increased its power a whole lot, like, fifty percent or something. They were now strong enough to face their greatest nemesis: their creator, Raikaimono. Raikaimono had been growing stronger and stronger, and had rebuilt his factory in his new homeland, Iceland. His city, Raikaivjk, was populated entirely by his new battalion of Eskimo Inventors, and he was going to build enough evil Eskimos to destroy the universe. This is because he was a dick.

Raikaimono’s palace was the obvious first point for attack. RayRay attacked from the front, MafiaMan bombed the roof with the intent of getting in that way, and PenguinBob used his Foobility to hack himself into the palace. They all successfully entered the facility and killed everyone inside, cleverly disguised as women and children. They then discovered their mistake: they had blown the hell out of a Wal-Mart in Brazil. Shrugging, they blew up the rest of the city before buying a map and successfully navigating their way to the abandoned land of Iceland.

Once at the actual palace, they discovered that Raikaimono had enlisted a disgruntled army of Eskimals. There was a division of fully armed UberPenguins; a group of SpaceWalri, with their tusks sharpened; a whole shitload of LevitatingLlamas, doing…whatever it is that they do besides moving slowly and defecating. Since the Eskimos did not have the power, even combined, to defeat this many creatures, they simply confused the hell out of them. RayRay shouted anti-Canadian epithets at them; MafiaMan threw frozen French fries at them; PenguinBob made sounds like Chewbacca. This had enough upfuckedness to it to cause the UberPenguin brigade to commit suicide by icicle hara-kiri.

They were strong enough to deal with the remaining SpaceWalri. When they charged, the Eskimos simply threw the Llamas at them. The added weight brought the Walri down, where PenguinBob systematically converted them into more Llamas for the throwing. Once the Walri were all down, the Eskimos had only to step over the bodies of dead Llamas to reach the Palace.

Once inside the Palace, they knew they were totally, unforgivably fucked. Guarding Raikaimono’s inner sanctum was ChupaCabra, who had tagged along with them when they left Brazil. While they had been fighting the Eskimals, ChupaCabra had found his way into the Palace and found Raikaimono. Raikaimono convinced him not to kill him. In gratitude, Raikaimono rushed him to the Council of Mekratrig. There, Ashtoreth, Abaddon, Mammon, Theutus, Asmodeus, and Incubus transformed him into a full DevilEskimo. The DevilSorcerer was now Raikaimono’s personal guard. Going entirely on instinct, PenguinBob rushed forward to fight ChupaCabra with swords, RayRay pretended to be paralyzed, and MafiaMan carried him into a grand bedroom, then left.

ChupaCabra ran from PenguinBob until they reached an underground pantry, when he threw a dagger at him. PenguinBob almost died, but pulled the dagger out in time to save himself. ChupaCabra was shocked. They parried forth with witty banter and swords until it became apparent that PenguinBob would win. After all, PenguinBob was the one who lost his father to ChupaCabra’s six-handed sword. Bob shouted repeatedly, “My name is Bob Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” ‘Cabra, not seeing the reference, was slaughtered mercilessly.

Meanwhile, a beautiful woman who was to married to Raikaimono ran into the room where RayRay was pretending to be paralyzed. He talks her out of suicide with his presence. Suddenly, while the woman was trying to seduce him, Raikaimono walks into the room and threatens RayRay. In a long—but not excessively long—monologue, RayRay describes how he was going to take off Raikaimono’s nose. He was going to take off his hands at the wrist and his feet at the ankles. He was going to pluck out his eyes, first his right and then the left. RayRay was also going to take off some other things too. Raikaimono assumed that RayRay would take off his ears as well, but RayRay corrected him. For, RayRay told him, you see, he wanted every scream, every cry from every child of “Oh God, what is that thing!” to echo ringingly in his perfect ears. Raikaimono believed he was bluffing. RayRay admitted the possibility.

At this point, MafiaMan came in and cut Raikaimono’s head off. PenguinBob appeared and made a witty comment in a badly-done Mexican accent. This was because neither of them saw the movie. RayRay shook his head. They went to what is known as a “sports bar,” where RayRay demonstrated how the movie was supposed to end, killing several people. Deciding that he was bored, RayRay took them to a “titty bar,” where they shot pool over Stewart’s™ key lime sodas. They then went to their respective homes and went to sleep.

Endgame and the Prophecy of Waukegan

After the destruction of Raikaimono, it was believed that Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo would do something. Since the ways of the great Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo are unknown, no one is entirely sure what would happen. All that is known is that, after Raikaimono was killed, the town of Raikaivjk was destroyed, the only remnants being a massive, city-size pancake. This was taken as clear evidence that Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo sent Barry, the sidekick Lord of Pancakes, to investigate. Eskimologists have noticed signs since the destruction of Raikaimono that appear to show the apocalypse is coming. For example:

• This encyclopedia was created.
• Eskimologists in the U.K. have noticed that many prominent Entrances to Hell have begun emitting radiation, Entrances that were believed to have been abandoned entirely. It appears that Hell may open up shortly.
• Oscar Wilde is becoming harder and harder to locate. It would appear that he knows something we don’t. It would not be an unprecedented event.
• In the Kingdom of Loathing, certain members of the Pastamancer caste have been disappearing. Meanwhile, the Penguin Mob may be reappearing.
• On December 4, 2001, Joseph Splichener of Sand Dookie, Owhoreo, awoke. He immediately took off his clothes and began running down the street, shouting about the coming of the Great Giblet.

Eskimologists have uncovered another sign that Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo will be moving his forces soon. An ancient prophecy has been unearthed from the ruins of what once was Waukegan. When deciphered, it told the following:

“…In the end of days, there shall be the gathering of evil from all the corners of the earth. They shall congregate at a place unknown1, and together shall form Prymulitron, the great golem of Giblets. And lo: there shall be a gathering of Eskimos, in the secret place2 known only to them. With the Scroll of the Moist Tissue3 in one hand and the Offering of Pancakery in the other, the Eskimo of Retardocity shall gather to him the Power of the Sorcerer of Voodoo. And lo: there shall be Shakalakaboomboomtanawanagogo, and to his right shall be Barry; and to ‘’his’’ right, shall be (undecipherable) of cheeses. Never in the history of the world before it unto the time of Nothingness unto the time of Everythingness has or shall anything be so (undecipherable). (Undecipherable) and (undecipherable) shall be there.

“…The Eskimo of Offpissedness shall take now the Scroll of the Monkey Tree in one hand, and in the other shall have a jersey of foot-ball. To him, now, shall the Power of the Sorcerers of Eggnigma And yea, he shall call out the words of the Scroll, and lo: here is the Army of the Holy Eskimo. For he shall be the Man of Mafia: and it shall be unto him to lead this army into battle.

“…To complete the cycle, there shall be yet a third Eskimo; he shall be known, in one form or another, as Bob. This is the Eskimo of Bobland, Commander of the Gods. Unto this Eskimo shall be the Scroll known as Old Red Jack the Item of Climactic Development in one hand, and in the other a Book of Comicalness. And he shall read of his Scroll, and: the Army of Bobland shall appear to do his bidding.”

The parchment on which the prophecy is written then appears to dissolve into thorough descriptions of the sexual preference of the being known as Prymulitron, and the ways in which he likes his “poontang.”

1. The “place unknown” is probably somewhere in Wyoming.
2. The “secret place” is believed to be somewhere in New Jersey. Travelers are advised to avoid both of these places in the near future.
3. All of these scrolls appear to be either lost or already in the possession of the Free State.

The time when the armies of evil gather is also specified. According to the Prophecy of Waukegan, it shall be 2:32 A.M. on Sextober XX90, 2006.