User:Thefusbus
How to Romp the Woods
The dictionary defines romping as lively or boisterously frolicking. However, as everyone knows the dictionary was just a way for prudes (Mr. Webster) to impress babes with their big words, this definition is absolute bullshit. The real definition of romping is a gang of friends running around like Rambo/Bigfoot through the woods causing mad chaos and possibly human sacrifices wherever they go. Sounds Interesting? Here's how it's done:
The Cast
The first step to a successful romp is gathering a group of friends. I realize that most people reading this don't actually have any friends, so you'll either have to imagine some up. If you have no imagination, you will have to use bribery. If you have no money, friends, or imagination, then you obviously don't deserve to be romping...
Romp
After you've assembled a group of bad ass mothers, you must then proceed to get lost in the woods. For those of you who don't understand this concept, in order to get lost in the woods, you must: 1. Find woods (Preferably in Alaska or Siberia). 2. Keep walking/running until you can no longer see, hear, or God forbid smell civilization. 3. Congratulations! You are now lost in the woods... If one of your followers has brought a compass, then you must immediately dispose of the compass and its carrier in the most humane way possible (preferably stoning to death or smearing them in lamb's blood and finding out which is hungrier: the local bear or wolf population). The one key to a good romping experience is a machete. Machetes are great for cracking coconuts, bushwacking, fending off rodents of unusual size, and to keep Bill Clinton from mistaking you for his secretary. Within the first hour of your rompventure, you will probably come uncover a hobo camp. DO NOT BE ALARMED! Hobos can smell fear and though they are typically nocturnal, when they smell fear, hobos will come out of the trees to either brutally murder you or beg for spare change. Once a hobo has spotted you, there is no use running or telling them you only have a twenty, the only things which can be used to fend off a tailing hobo is threat of a shower, taxes, or a job. This is why preemptive measures are key if you plan on romping and thus being exposed to hobos. The best thing to do to avoid a hobo encounter is to dress in a suit and tie and carry a briefcase filled with W2 forms through the woods. When a hobo sees you dressed like you're going to sell mother nature breast implants, he will instantly transform back into a salamander. After all hobo threats are removed, the only left to do is create as much ruckus and destruction as possible. This is done through a combination of chopping down trees, covering your body in mud, uprooting all government markers which can be used as makeshift wooden swords, and communicating with your buddies through grunts and fire signals.
Survival
As of the 2000 census, 9 out of every 4 rompers will die and another 38% will be maimed by caribou or other ungulates. This is important to understand. Before embarking upon a rompventure, you must be willing to accept that unless your name is Chuck Norris, you will die. This certainty of death gives romping the second highest mortality rate out of any sport, with only fly fishing being more deadly. If you plan on being the first person to ever survive a successful romp, you will have to be willing to eat all of your fellow members, fend off hobos, sneak past redneck party/sacrificing grounds to the NASCAR gods, complete at least three supremely masculine tasks, ignore everything you ever learned in cub scouts, use small pox to destroy an indigenous population, cover yourself completely in mud, kill the predator, spend seven years in Tibet, and through sheer luck/general sense of direction find civilization again. If you can manage all of this after creating general disorder in the woods then, congratulations, your romp has been successful and you have nothing more to learn from this page... not that you did in the first place.
--Thefusbus 03:49, February 16, 2011 (UTC)