User:TheLedBalloon/The Aristocrats
In a cramped, cluttered office somewhere in the bowels of Hollywood, a talent agent, just finishing up his work for the day, hears a knock on the door.
"Come in," he says wearily. It had been a long day.
The door opens and a timid, dark-haired man shuffles in through the door. "Hello," he says with a slight Mexican accent. His clothes are dirty, and he seems like he hasn't eaten in a few days. "I'm sorry to bother you," he says haltingly, "But my name is Jésus Nazare, and my family and I have an act that we'd really like to show you."
"Alright," the talent agent replies with a tired but kindly smile. "Let's see your act."
Grinning excitedly, the man turns out the door and beckons his family into the office. The man's wife, along with two young boys, perhaps 8 and 10 years old, and a girl, around 6, carrying an old-fashioned phonograph record player, all stand in the one cleared area in the agent's office, a small section of bare floor just big enough for all of them to stand on. The woman whistles, and a dog runs eagerly in, carrying in its mouth several long pieces of plywood and a toolbox.
The girl sets down the phonograph and plays the record. It's an old swing ballad from the 1940s, grainy but soothing. Meanwhile the eldest boy takes three bowling pins from the dog's toolbox, and begins juggling them. The father and mother, and then their daughter and the son that isn't juggling, begin to dance slowly to the music, swaying back and forth romantically. Their dances gradually take them closer and closer together until the two sets of partners get close enough to switch partners, leaving the mother dancing with the daughter and the son dancing with his father.
Suddenly, the phonograph switches songs. The slow ballad is gone, replaced by the ragtime classic The Entertainer. As the music changes, the father rips off the son's pants and begins fucking him up the ass, just as the mother throws her daughter into the air with just enough hangtime for each of them to pull down their pants, revealing the mother's strap-on and her daughter's dual sex organs. The father, still penetrating his son, shuffles over to the other boy, and begins defecating on him as he continues to juggle. The father's feces start out as liquid, then become, solid, then move back to liquid before finally settling on something in between for about a minute.
Finally his stool-stream ceases, and pulls out of his son just in time to ejaculate onto the face of the juggling son. The juggler catches his bowling pins, licks up what he can of his father's splunk, then puts the three bowling pins into the asses of his dog, sister, and younger brother before starting to masturbate himself with one free hand, and his sister's penis with the other. His mother and father, meanwhile, take the plywood and the toolbox, and begin to build something. They work quickly, and soon a man-sized plus sign with an elongated bottom is lying on the floor of the agent's office. The mother takes out the three biggest nails she can find, and drives them through her screaming husband's hands and feet, into the cross, just as their kids and dog all climax, spewing their love-juice across the office.
Together, the family moves to where their father is nailed down, and releases their collective excrement onto their father's face before hoisting his cross upright amid his howls of pain. The mother reaches down to the toolbox, grabs something flat, and reaches up to the top of the cross. It's a sign: "Jésus Nazare, King of The Aristocrats," it reads. The family attempts to skip around in a circle around the cross, but slip on their father's blood, now mixing with excrement and semen, and slide into a panting pile just as The Entertainer comes to a close. "Ta-daa!" they all shout, except for the father, who has stopped screaming but now seems slightly-less-than-conscious.
The talent agent is unable to believe his eyes. "Wow," he says. "Just...wow! What on earth do you call this act, Jésus?"
Jésus lifts his head, grins widely, and says, "Christianity!"
He then bleeds to death.