User:TheHumbucker/University of New Hampshire
| University of New Hampshire | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Motto | Hunc Bibe! |
| Established | 1866 |
| Head | Mr. Huddleston |
| Location | Durham, New Hampshire, U.S. |
| Campus | Isolated |
| Enrollment | 12,018 undergraduates 2,501 graduates |
| Endowment | $20.10 |
| Faculty | 12 |
| Mascot | Wild E. Cat |
The University of New Hampshire, known also as UNH or affectionately as the University of No Hardware is the premiere public university near the seacoast of New Hampshire. The main campus is located in the bustling college town of Durham, New Hampshire, whose population quadruples between the months of September and May annually, while a satellite campus can be found in nearby Manchester, New Hampshire, known by many state residents who have never seen a city of respectable size as "Manch-Vegas." UNH is one of only 9 colleges in the nation to incorporate elements of land, sea and space on its campus, the land being located at Boulder Field, the sea found on Thompson Hall Lawn immediately following a rain event, and the space in the bleachers during intercollegiate basketball games.
Recently, UNH has been ranked either first or second in the state seacoast region in all academic categories, losing only to Portsmouth's Great Bay Community College in categories such as "Funding for Liberal Arts Programs," "Creativity in Mascot Name," and "Availability of Bananas in Campus Dining Halls." It has also been nationally ranked as the 4th "Most Intoxicated Campus," with an average blood-alcohol content of 0.13 on Wednesday mornings, and the 13th "Least Beneficial Greek System to the Student Body." Recently, UNH has also been universally lauded for its "Green Campus" initiative, which has included the use of littered beer cans to reflect sunlight towards remotely located solar panels, effectively creating solar energy without cluttering the campus grounds with foreign objects, and a "green roof" made of mold on top of Holloway Commons, the campus' main dining hall, to insulate the building and minimize heat lost through the roof.
History[edit | edit source]
Life of Benjamin T. Thompson[edit | edit source]
Benjamin T. Thompson, 18 years old, a New Hampshire native, and a disgruntled farmer with ambition to become an intellectual and solve world thirst, was plowing his fields one day in 1866 when he discovered a Arabian-styled lamp, buried in the ground. Not knowing its magical powers, he rubbed the lamp to remove some dirt and a blue genie emerged, complete with golden armbands and the voice of Robin Williams. The usual banal conversation of disbelief ensued, followed by an improvised rant by Williams the genie about plowing, women, anal sex, and tomatoes which finally culminated in the offering of three wishes.
"I wish I was in college," Benny wished, without hesitation.
Instantaneously, a faux castle, 3 brick buildings a barn and a two stalks of wheat sprouted from the ground while admissions officers swooped down from their gargoyle positions on the castle, waving pamphlets about the new university's national academic standing, intercollegiate hockey team, financial aid department, housing options, information on non-subsidized student loans, and skewed statistics of graduate employment.
Four years later, Mr. Thompson was the proud recipient of a B.A. Six months after that, he was busy plowing his fields once again, this time with $75,000 of debt.
Athletics[edit | edit source]
Hockey[edit | edit source]
Football[edit | edit source]
Basketball[edit | edit source]
Activities[edit | edit source]
Fraternities[edit | edit source]
Where to Buy Liquor[edit | edit source]
Academics[edit | edit source]
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Recent Controversy[edit | edit source]
Operation "Cat Snatch"[edit | edit source]
Execution[edit | edit source]
At 1:07am on September 20th, 2006, in a clandestine operation dubbed "Cat Snatch," 14 operatives, all either UNH administrators or from the faculty of the Studio Arts department, jumped into a windowless van in the parking lot by Thompson Hall and drove along I-89 to Burlington, Vermont, arriving at the University of Vermont at approximately 4:31am. There, after careening the van off Route 2 and skidding to a stop between the University Bookstore and the Royall Tyler Theater, in a hideous example of parallel parking, 11 of the agents hoisted the 850 pound bronze statue of UVM's mascot, along with the 382 pound rock of granite it stood on, and slid them into the back of the van. 2 of the other agents quickly set up a pre-made holographic device to replicate the now missing statue and its pedestal. The 14th agent sat on his ass and provided snide and sarcastic comments, regarding every one else's technique, while also procuring video evidence of the exploit. At 4:33am, all 14 of the special agents were back in the van, slicing westward through downtown Burlington on College St., looking for Route 2 back to highway 89. At 4:50am, after 4 changes of get-away-drivers, Route 2 was finally located and the evacuation began.
During the 3 hour, 48 minute return trip to the University of New Hampshire, the entire faculty of the Studio Arts department worked to retouch the bronze statue and make it look less like a catamount and more like a wildcat. Using welding tools and an expertly wielded brick, the snout and tail were shortened, the paws enlarged, and the fur was made to look longer and denser. Finally, the posture of the large cat was changed slightly, inverting the positions of the legs and twisting the torso and head to the left, to make the altered sculpture look less conspicuously like the solid hologram now adorning UVM's campus.
At 8:38am on the morning of September 20th, the van pulled into the bus stop on Main St. of Durham, New Hampshire, near Memorial Field. At 8:42am, 1 of the agents began the removal of both the granite pedestal and the bronze statue from the back of the van while the other 13 provided cynical comments, this time concerning the lone agent's grandmother, her strength, and various skewed comparisons of the power of her biceps in relation to the agent's own.
At 3:57pm, the granite pedestal was in place, and by 9:33pm, the bronze sculpture was safely secured to the top of it. The University of Vermont's Catamount Statue had been stolen, replaced with an electronically produced image, altered, and finally relocated to the University of New Hampshire, where it was renamed The Wildcat, just in time for Homecoming Weekend, all for the sum that, including wages, gasoline, welding equipment, the (also stolen) holographic device, vehicle maintenance, highway tolls, the Snickers Bar that Agent 12 bought in Montpelier, Vermont, and the brick, totaled $158,742.09.
Cover-Up[edit | edit source]
The administration explained the sudden appearance of The Wildcat with a well spun tale of the various charitable donations made by phony alumni members and other anonymous organizations, the alleged bidding process that resulted in the selection of a local sculptor for the task, and the subsequent creation of the artwork that took 2 and a half years from start to finish. The pricetag was a reported $160,000, and was covered by raising the tuition prices of all 25,738 students $1,000 each and doing away with the cigarette butt receptacles outside Hamilton Smith Hall. The story appeared in the September 21, 2006 edition of the campus newspaper, The New Hampshire,[1] whose accounting ledgers also report an anonymous donation of $4,000 the day earlier, made through an inter-department mailing. The story was duplicated and reposted to the UNH website on December 19, 2006.[2]