User:Table McGregor/sandbox
“Perhaps humanity has strayed too far from the light of God.”
Kale, also known as 'suicide cabbage', is an inorganic compound with similar yet artificial properties to cabbage, spinach, and cauliflower, among other great sources of the important vitamin, Mild Misery. However, the green, leaflike crystals are impossible to grow in Earth climates and instead must be grown in air-proof chambers that replicate the atmosphere of their home planet, Mars. Why would the government choose to spend so much money on growing kale, you might ask? Because the CDC is jacked up on two things, baby: Pixy Stix and curing cancer, although Kale is of course related to the more boring of the two.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
The Kale molecule was discovered by the NASA Curiosity rover on November 13, 1953. The rover was taking rock samples and found a compound that it did not recognize, which would be recorded and recreated by US Scientists Groily McPeterson, Ladia Finwitch, and Dave Campbell. The three scientists would conduct a series of tests on the substance spanning over the course of 3 years before discovering it could easily be dissolved with ammonia to create depression molecules. The trio immediately began work crystallizing the compound and testing it on human subjects. It worked exceptionally on most normal people, leading them into bouts of apathy, but was notably addictive to vegans and liberals. Despite the exceptions, the U.S. military ordered the mass manufacture of kale gas as a chemical weapon.
Vietnam War[edit | edit source]
Kale gas was used as a weapon to flood and incapacitate entire base camps during the Vietnam War. The chemical was especially effective against the enemy for unknown reasons for nearly the entirety of the war before the Vietnamese military started issuing mandatory Tumblr sessions for their soldiers to provide liberal-based immunity to the kale gas. The use of kale gas was banned in the Geneva Convention on January 27, 1987, due to its classification as a cruel and excessive weapon.
Use in pharmaceuticals[edit | edit source]
Kale can be ground and compacted in tablets and used to treat a variety of afflictions, due to its melancholy nature, including Bipolar Disorder, Insanity, and Chronic Happiness.
Waiting In Line[edit | edit source]
“Ughhhh...”
“What is this, the DMV?”
So, you thought that going to Disneyland during the summer would be a good idea. Unfortunately for you, everyone else had that thought too. Now you're in line for the fuckin' Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and the expected wait time is... hold on... 20 WHOLE MINUTES!? This is going to be torture. Look up at the sun and down at the litter-encrusted ground, and buckle in- we've got another ride before the roller coaster.
Two minutes in[edit | edit source]
You're getting pretty bored now. Ahead of you, you're hearing annoying, whiny toddlers complaining about the sun, and you kind of wish you could too. The smell of fried dough and extremely salty pretzels trickles through the air and makes you just sick enough to start breathing through your mouth instead. The sun, as mentioned before, is beginning to feel hotter than usual. All in all, though, it's still bearable.
Five minutes in[edit | edit source]
Jesus. Your legs are getting sore now. You try to lean on one of the rails to take some of the weight off of them- and surprise! The bottom of the bar is entirely caked in old gum. You quickly take your hand off the bacteria garden and shudder at small pieces of gum stuck to the palm of your hand. A woman larger than your mom is somehow right by you, even though she wasn't there when you entered the queue. She smells like either fish or Cheez Whiz and is carrying a cup of pineapple ice cream. On her head is, of course, a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and leopard-pattern glasses. Small children are beginning to actually cry now.
Trying to talk to the woman[edit | edit source]
"Crazy line, huh?'
"I know. But it's worth it. I LOVE Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Not my favorite ride, but it's amazing. Were you around last night? It was Flag Day, so they always have a wicked fireworks display."
"Really? That's cool. It's my first time at Disneyland, just wanted to see what it was about."
"Well, good for you! I've been here
Ten minutes in[edit | edit source]
Oh, God... This is some hidden Circle of Hell, isn't it? What did you do to deserve this? Everything hurts. The indoors area is close, you can see it- but you still have some stupid zigzagging queue space left.