User:Snapheat

Droopology

Beliefs Droopologists believe that over 100,000,000 years ago, a socially challenged baker named Droop went on a killing spree, using a highly acidic loaf of bread he walked around the earth smiting all who stood in his path. He died shortly after. Droopologists believe that all human beings are descendants of Droop, and that we are all blessed with his special powers that we take for granted: sneezing, blinking, saying grammatically incorrect sentences and hotwiring retro helicopters. We also believe that when we die we go to one of two places depending on the lifestyle we have lived. If the person has lived a good life, they go to a place called the ghankshii, where the person shall have all the differently selected sesame seeds they have ever desired and be able to ask Droop any single question based on Chris Tarrant’s nasal hair. If the person has not lived a full and rich life, then they shall be enslaved to working in a shoe shop for all eternity. The arch enemy of all Droopologists is the evil being called Richard Branson; he is the only one that can demolish all bakeries across the planet.

Ranks 1st rank, Bread loaf: Cut off your left leg with a piece of aluminium shaped like an illegal immigrant crying over the leftovers of a Buddhist meal.

Becoming a bread loaf is the initiation into the Droop Society, new members are permitted to attend public baking and low status meetings.

2nd rank, Teacake: Slay a waterproof paedophile with verbal abuse used only by the blind homeless restaurant owners of Switzerland.

Teacakes are loyal subjects of Droop; it shows that the member is dedicated to the cause.

3rd rank, Slightly seasoned cob: Fly across Northumbria inside a vehicle made only of the corpses of enthusiastic solicitors whilst singing the back catalogue of Belgium flute players.

S.S.C’s are wise in the art of bread making; they are skilful with dough and masterful with the oven.

4th rank, Brown bread: Knit a pair of socks using only gospel music, dictation and wit that is only used by sub human species created by ham sandwiches.

Brown Bread members are now exclusive to secret meetings held at the underground bakery; they are given an oven as reward.

5th and final rank, Bum chin: Destroy an entire species of amphibian in 4 minutes 38 seconds and using only an amputated leg from another member of the clan.

Bum Chins are the grand masters of the Droopologists, they have both physical and mental rights to any gluten based products.

How to worship? Worshipping Droop is simple; it consists of three steps…

1. Attend a public baking once a week 2. Sacrifice a home-made loaf of bread to Droop everyday 3. Conceive at least 13 children with any flour based product.

When Droopologists reach the first rank, they see visions of Droop slaying underage pensioners with psychologically underestimated vegetarian table cloths.

Droopology may contain nuts. No Droopologist is road legal.