User:Silence/Cabal Rumour
Cabal rumour debunked
The long-standing belief amongst the Uncyclopedian community that a shadowy, nameless group has been controlling their every thought and action was finally laid to rest today, with the publication by UnNews of an interview between intrepid reporter and one-time fashion editor Trey Spiteful (shoes by Gucci, suit by Armani) and an unnamed source deep within the Cabal, a source who spoke from behind dark glasses, further shadowed by the wide brim of a black fedora hat and the haze of cigar smoke that emanated from the glowing stub clenched between his teeth.
In an unprecedented and wide-ranging exchange, which took place deep underground in a secure holding facility, the unidentified source spoke candidly for the first time of the hurt and embarrasment caused to members of the Cabal by assertions of their existence. He denied all knowledge of the secret organisation and was able to produce never-before-seen files, written on official Cabal notepaper, categorically documenting all evidence of its non-existence and including a full list of all crimes, dissapearances and cover-ups that it has not initiated or been involved in.
Speaking to editors after he was found bound and gagged outside UnNews HQ, Mr Spiteful forcefully made clear his belief in the vericacity of the claims. "I'm telling you, it was as real as this barcode that's been implanted under my skin," he said, "The guy was for real, he just wanted to cooperate. He'd even taken the trouble to make me feel welcome by finding out my social security details, the address of every house I've ever lived in, the darkest contents of my soul and the PIN numbers of all my credit cards. We really hit it off, just clicked, you know?"
He went on to confirm that his source had been happy to pose for a series of photographs and hoped that, by doing so, UnNews readers would finally be able to see the non-existent Cabal as the people-centric, friendly and approachable organisation it aspires to be. He expressed regret that the camera's solid state memory had later been erased by an unexplained electro-magnetic surge. "That was a real shame, but hey, they promised to send some publicity shots so no harm done right? And look, I've still got the one of me from the full-body scan they did. Just ignore the implant in my brain, I'm not sure how that got there."