User:Shteve

Deep, baritone voice over: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host, Fraaank Benson! (Theme music plays)

(Thunderous applause) “Hello! Thankyou! (Applause continues) Thankyou and WELCOME! (Applause dies down) Thank you (Applause stops) Thaaaank...yoooouuuu. Thank you very very much. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thankyou. (Audience murmurs confusedly)Thank you. thank you. Yes, thank you. NOW! Our first guest tonight is someone very special, I'm sure you've all heard of him. But before we bring him out, let's give him a short introduction…”

Voice over: “Born in April 1991, he also goes by the names of the “Green Machine”, the “Not-so-incredible Hulk” and “Alien”. he has a pathological fear of Gumby and Windows Media Player 11, and pushing the trolley at the supermarket is his all time favourite hobby. His favourite food is paper, cooked in the George Foreman Grill, and he often washes it down with metho and orange juice, the "poor man's drink".
About him, his nine year old brother Michael had the following to say: "Well, he had a nephew, Ned, but Mr McGirr hated him". Michael is renowned for his excessive road rage, often sticking a large downpipe out the driver's window in an attempt to push other motorists off the road. Michael also enjoys "aeroplane-surfing", which is a lot like train-surfing, except it is done on top of a Boeing 747.

Contrary to popular belief, it was he who proposed the Big Bang Theory of the universe, in 2002, although, in his version, the only explosion involved was sexual. Sadly, it was plagiarised and modified in 2003 by musician turned astrophysicist Chuck Berry, who passed it off as his own work. He was outraged, and took out his frustration on the annual "Seafood Buffet Eating Competition", taking the crown in style after eating twice his own bodyweight in fresh crab.

In March 2006, he won a Nobel Prize in Science for his discovery of the "Num Lock Key", but shortly after was involved in a multi snowmobile pileup in Carlton. He claims to have written many books during his recovery in hospital, all of which are written in MSN shorthand, and printed with invisible ink using the Wingdings font, but no-one has ever seen or read them. He also became, later that year, the first person to complete 1000 laps of the fearsome 23 km, 73-corner Nurburgring Nordshleife Race Track in Germany entirely on foot. The feat took him just over 34 years, and when he finished it, he declared it "definitely worth the five bucks".

His life ambition is to be the first Formula 1 driver to win the championship on a ride-on lawn mower. Failing that, he'd like to become the youngest ever Member of Parliament at age 15. Unfortunately, he turned 16 in 2007, but he is still confident he can do it, once he figures out the secret to time travel. When questioned about it, he replied "I haven't made much progress, because I've spent so much time on MySpace”. One day, he also hopes to build a card castle big enough to live in, invent the USB Toaster, and to found the world's first Christian jazz band”

Frank Benson: “Lady and Gentlemans, you all know him, please welcome STEVEN MALITA!”
(Nobody claps)
(Steven Malita walks onto the stage, shakes Frank's hand, waves to the audience)
Steven Malita: "Good evening folks"
(Audience sits in stunned silence)
Frank Benson: "Steven Malita everybody! Steven Ma..."*voice trails off* loosens tie, mops forehead “So, err, Steven. *Nervous laugh* What have you been up to in the past couple of months?"
Steven Malita: “Well, Frank, I’ve just starting working on a new proj-“
Frank Benson: “I’m sorry Steven, we’re out of time, we have to end the interview here.”
(Steven looks confused)
Frank Benson: “Gentlies and Ladymen, STEVEN MALITA!”
(Wild, uncontrollable applause)