User:Shabidoo/disposal
How to humanely dispose of old people[edit | edit source]
They've had a good run and now they are inconvenient, smell terrible and make family gatherings sad and tedious. However we still love them very much so how do we get rid of them in the kindest way possible. Here are 7 tips that are sure to make things so smoothly
Tip 1[edit | edit source]
It's a drag so many countries are so weary of implementing Euthanasia laws, they seem to be afraid that people will want to unreasonably end the lives of the elderly without good enough reason. In the few civilised countries where it is allowed they have entirely unreasonable restictions like "getting their consent" or being "screened by doctors" and so on. In reality only you know when it's time for your grandparents to go. This means you have to make the decision for them and administer their compassionate end without anybody knowing about it (not the doctors, not the police and not even your grandparents). There are all sorts of justifiable reasons letting your grandpa go, including the mindnumbing endless stories they tell, them throwing away your inheritance at the casino or on the shopping channel. Also you might find visiting them in an old folks home inconvenient and depressing. But how do you do it? It may seem the easy and entertaining to shoot them in the head,but getting brain matter out of carpets is not fun as it sounds and those NCIS people will link it all to you with their fancy college educated forensics. Just crush tons of their blood pressure pills in their drink. While they are passed out you can use their phone to send a text messsage saying they are going for a walk in the woods. People will easily believe they got disoriented and couldn't find their way out of a forrest.
Tip 2: Getting rid of the body[edit | edit source]
People don't care about the eldlerly (they are actually invisible to most strangers) so you can just haul them over your shoulder, dump them into the back of your trunk and drive to a river. You could even just drop them in the middle of a side walk because people will ignore their decaying body as nobody wants to get stuck helping an elderly person in distress, but again, you love your grandparent so its kindest to dump them in a river. That way their body can slowly decompose with dignity. Plus it will add to the fragile aquatic ecosystem and feed the fish whose numbers are dwindling. Everybody wins.
Tip 3: Getting through the police investigation[edit | edit source]
It's so annoying I know but a couple weeks of a pointless "search and rescue" and mourning family members is a lot less exhausting than another decade of listening to their stories and smelling their old people farts. It will give you a chance to reconnect with your other family members when they come for the funueral. Just be sure to have something extremely important planned at the moment so that someone else will feel obliged to plan and organise the funeral and so on.
Tip 4: Inheritance[edit | edit source]
Since you've put all the effort in helping them end their life with dignity you totally deserve a slightly larger share of their inheritance. The best way to do this is get your grandparent slightly senile and have them sign a document giving you complete control of all of their assets. Getting them senile isn't difficult. A few weeks of gaslighting or lacing their food with hashbrownies should do it.
Tip 5: Enjoying your new found fortune[edit | edit source]
Now that you can pay off your mortgage and your gambling debts enjoy your hard earned money. That is the beauty of capitalism: hard work and determination will inevitably lead to reward and success. The most responsible way to handle your money is online poker.
Tip 6: How to avoid being gotten rid of when you get old[edit | edit source]
Keep a really close eye on your grand-children, especially the ones who show the most love for you. They are almost certainly trying to get rid of you. Sometimes the best solution in these cases is to humanely put them down before they try to unfairly and unjustly end your life before you are ready. There are all sorts of justifiable motives: they are depressed, they are a pointless waste of oxygen, they are spreading around STDs and so on.
Tip 7: What to do if the police catch up with you[edit | edit source]
Venezuela. There is no extradition treaty with them. Sure it is a bit of a Trumpesque "shit-hole" and they do lack even basic hygene and medical treatment these days however you are unlikely to end up serving life in prison there. You should always have a suitcase and passport standing by in case you need to flee. Also it's not that difficult to lean spanish and once you eventually find a computer with functioning dial up internet connection, you can triple your money with online poker.