User:Shabidoo/arist
The old man locked up his talent agency office very surprised. Last minute freaks always visit Thanks giving eve. He got into his car and checked his man make-up in the mirror. He then thought about a quiet night at home, watching jeopardy and drinking diet Dr. Pepper while mouth fucking some newly born kittens. Suddenly there was a tap at his car window. He looked up and a man motioned him to lower it.
"Can I help you"? he asked.
"Yes...came all the way from Idaho to show you our family act".
He panicked. The biggest freaks come from Idaho. Worse, he had a massive errection in anticipation of some kitten pie. He couldn't just stand up in front of the children. "No. I've locked up and my seat belt is on. Come back on Monday".
The whole family looked at the ground holding their hats in their hands, their eyes enormous with little watery puddles at the sides. "We have to go back on Sunday you see. My brother here mortgaged his little shack to pay for the plane tickets and they are non-refundable and the dates cannot be changed you understand".
"There are plenty of talent agencies" said the old man unmoved.
"Yes. But none are talent agencies for the kind of wholesome family spectacles that you hire."
There was silence.
"Well...we will be sleeping in this alley way all weekend if you change your mind".
They weren't the first poor trashy family showing up with a routine. They were always aweful dribble and he always had to say "thanks but not thanks" to desparate kind family men. "I'm too old for this shit" he said to himself. "And too horny". He went home and watched an episode of Full House while orally raping a kitten to death. He napped a bit. He woke up late, it was raining hard and his heart was pounding. He couldn't get the family out of his mind. He took a couple shots of alchohol and munched on the dead kitten sucking his own semen out of its dead bloody mouth. He couldn't sleep.
By 3 am he was tossing and turning. He got dressed and drove to his office. They were sitting out in the back with newsppaers over their head chatting with homeless men. They were singing songs about Jesus and huddling together in a sense of close family warmth.
"Hey daddy" said the youngest daughter "the man has come back" she cried. They all jumped up for joy.
"Does that mean mister" said the man's son "that you'll watch our act"?
"Yeah yeah let's go".
He opened up the office and they all rushed into the building. He showed them the stage and told them that they had 15 minutes.
In a matter of seconds the family had produced a grand table with chairs from literally out of nowhere. It was set with lit candles, flowers and a centrepiece. In the middle was the biggest plumpest turkey you've ever seen golden brown with all of the trimmings and side dishes. The scent of fresh dinner rolls and butter wafted in the air.
They sat down and started having a normal thanksgiving conversation. Things were going great with lovely conversation and family bliss until little Petey knocked over the wine glass. Everyone seized up and looked at the straight faced at father. Papa was beet red and could barely contain his rage. Everyone looked at the table with terror in their faces. He ordered his son to come over. His son cautiously approached his father tiptoeing and wincing with fear. His son, who was used to the vicious punishment put his face down in his father's crotch waiting for what was to come next. His father rolled up his sleves and then bent over and then with his left hand he ruffled his son's hair. "You hooligan. Now try not to knock over any more glasses now" he said and kissed him on the forhead. The whole family looked around in a confused shock. The talent agent was also taken back. His son went back down to his seat both in relief but also with a sort of lustful dissapointment.
The talent agent knew thing was going to be something special.
"So how was school today" he asked his eldest daughter.
She was somewhat confused by what had just happened and was unsure what to say or do. "Well.." she said "I gave my teacher a blow job in exchange for a B- on my..."
"No no no" said the father with impatience. "There will be none of that kind of talk tonight. Happy talk only".
"Then what should I talk about"? she asked completely agahst.
"Something pleasant".
Silence.
She thought long and hard slightly terrified by her father at that moment. "Well...my friend didn't have money to take the bus so I lent it to her yesterday".
"There you go...isn't that nice"? He asked. He smiled at looked at his family eating...feeling satisfaction. A peaceful dinner. Everyone else stared at the table eating slowly...chewing deliberately.
"She paid me back today but without the expected interest. So I broke her fingers".
"No no. What did I say."? He raised his hand. "Wholesome talk. Family talk". He looked at them with love and happiness.
"Pass the gravy dear" said his wife feeling sick to her stomache.
He handed it over. She poured it onto the turkey and took a bite. "What on Earth is this"? she asked. "This isn't dog diarhea...this is actual gravy. Who the hell swtiched this..."
"I did my dear. Tonight I want to have a normal thanks giving dinner".
The family looked coldly at their food and had lost their apetites. They picked at their juicy turkey and seasoned vegitables with disgust.
His son secretly took out his phone and started watching necrophilia rape porn on his phone. His father noticed and told him to turn it off. "No devices today. Put them all on the table where I can see them" he commanded. They reluctantly did so except his daughter. "You too young lady".
She refused. "No. I'm not going to go through a whole frigid dinner without my phone vibrating between my legs".
"Put that phone on the table right now or else" he commanded.
"Or else what"? she screamed verging on tears.
"Or I won't let your brother shit in your mouth for a month".
"Dear" interrupted the Mother "...let's not be so harsh with the children".
"And you cut it out too wife...or I won't let you taste my AIDS infected semen ever again".
"Don't make idle threats!" she demanded. She had been trying unsucessfully to get infected by him for weeks.
He bashed his fist onto the table. "We are all capable of having a nice cordial dinner with your family".
No one touched their food. The youngest daughter was quietly weeping. And that's when the drunken uncle showed up. He burst into the house and dropped a half empty mouldy can of cranberry sauce onto the table. Sorry I'm late...it's just I was..." and sunndenly he vomited a stomache full of cherios, vodka and blood all over the table.
"Ugh finally an appetiser" said young Sally. The children leaped onto the table and started lapping the cherios and chunks of bloody puke off the table. Their father stood up and screamed hysterically for them to sit down. He commanded his youngest to go get his uncle a cup of coffee and the eldest to clean up the mess.
"Why can't I clean up uncle Rex" asked his eldest daughter.
"Yeah...she can sponge bathe me in the basement" said uncle Rex as he pulled out his dick and rubbed cranbery sauce over his nipples.
"Or maybe we can just lick him clean" asked his wife.
"Yeah daddy. It would be nice to have a little sea salt with our meal" claimed his son.
Papa took a deep breath and asked everyone to sit down and listen. "Look family. I love you all and I know you've been looking forward to thanksgiving all year. But...I thought it would be nice to have one nice and normal thanksgiving".
"But why daddy" asked his daughter who was secretly shoving the carving knife into the dogs anus under the table. The dog straddeled the knife and backed up until the tip of the blade reached his liver. He howled out in exstacy.
"My AIDS has gone full blown and what with the pneumonia, chicken pox and ebola in my white t-cells I don't think I'll last a month". He teary eyed with a pathetic frown on his face.
"You're worried this is our last Thanksgiving" said his wife who was so turned on by the idea of her husband dying in agony her underpants were soaked with vagina juice.
"Yes" he said as he started to cry tears of blood. His ebola had worn down the walls of his veins and arteries and he sweated, pissied and cried blood.
The entire family was so revolted by his mopey self-loathing they wished him instant ebola death.
"Okay daddy. We'll try our best to make it a nice and normal thanks giving. Why don't you carve the turkey" said his son.
"In fact son...I'd like to teach you how to carve the turkey". The rest of the family looked at each other more disturbed than ever before. Something was clearly wrong with the man of the house. Perhaps in his advanced stage of full blown AIDS he had become a soft, fragile, hopeless old man.
Papa put the knife in his son's hand and guided it into the top of the turkey. Together they pushed it deep down into the bird internal cavity. The orginal stuffing was a raw frozen pig foetus but Papa had replaced it with raisin bread stuffing. Little Petey felt a pang of intense pleasure at having a knife thrusted deep into the dead carcas of an animal. He day dreamed of violently ripping the turkey's head off while shoving the neck-stump up his mothers various orifices like he sometimes does when she's asleep. Petey then winked at little Suzy and in an instant threw Papa onto the table. Little Suzy pulled out the knife from the turkey and jammed it through his father's hand deep into the table top. His wife seized the opportunity and jammed her spoon through the tendons of her husband's left foot while. Papa screamed out loud cursing at him "what the fuck are you people doing"? When the rest of the family saw his blood gush they lost all control and jumped out of their seats.
Uncle pete ripped off his brother's pants and cut through his underwear with the carving knife. He plaes an elastic band around his brother's scrotum and cock.
"Should we eat his eyes or his fingers first"? asked little Susy as she put a fork through his other hand into the soft mohogany table..
He was yelping out in horror. "No. Why are you hurting me. Stop this. Please stop. Somebody help me!"
"When we eat his eyes we should grill them a little" said Petey.
"Cut them out and grill them over the fire" said his mother.
"Or we can get a flame torch and grill them inside his sockets" said little Suzy.
"No. No grilling anything" said his father yelping out in curdling agony.
"I'll go get the flame torch".
"At least give me some pain killers" he pleaded with his family.
His wife pulled out a syringe and jabbed it into his heart.
"What the fuck is that"? he yelped out rapidy his whole body tremoring and jolting.
"It's adrenaline...shot directly into your heart. It's a sort of pain intensifier".
Meanwhile his brother had managed using the elastic to get a solid erection out of his brother. He then lubed up his brothers dick with moldy cranberry sauce and straddled his brother hovering his anus over the tip of his brother's penis and then jumped up and down moaning out loud "fill me inside with your AIDS milk. Give me your AIDS milk" he begged him.
"Get off me you sick bastard" Papa screamed out.
His son had returned with the flame torch and immediately flambéed his father's eyeballs. The noise that came from his father was one of both extreme gurgling suffering as well as a sense of losing all hope. While his son roasted his fathers eyeball his brother jumped up and down faster and faster "my anus is starving for your deadly sexual deseases" as he moaned harder. Just before his brother came he jumped off pulled out a knife. "I don't want your AIDS milk...I wan't your AIDS blood" and he chopped off his brothers hard cock. A fountain of blood sprayed all over the table. The whole family hopped onto the little puddles of blood on the table savouring every little droplet of hot HIV positive blood mixed with Uncle Petes vomit and cherios. "AIDS blood...AIDS blood" they sang as they drank hot and stick straight from the fountain quirting out of Papa's groin.
His son pulled out the charred and crispy eyeballs and gave them to the family dog who swallowed it whole. The taste of charred eyeballs made the dog so horny it started to hump the leg of the table so ferociously and rapidly that it humped the table until it its genitals had ripped off. His eldest daughter was fliming every second and set it to stream live over the internet giving an audio commentary. They already had many subscribers.
At this point the talent agent was sweating profusely, red in the face feeling slightly uneasy but at the same time aroused. He desparately wanted to join in on the action but he knew that he was witness to the greatest show ever made on Earth and that a climax was coming of a sort that could not be missed.
"Mom" said the eldest daughter "why don't you rape his belly button"?
"Yeah" said her son "you've always wanted to".
"No fair" said uncle Pete "that was my idea".
No one was listening to him. His wife had already pulled out a strap on and her daughters fixed it around her mother's hips.
The strap on was made of stainless steel but it wasn't at all sharp. In order to penetrate her husbands belly button someone had to open up a hole. The youngest daughter pulled a tiny mouse out of her anus and she placed it on her fathers bellybutton. His son put the mouth of a wineglass over it. He then pulled out the flame torch and directed it against the wine glass. Everyone moved close up and looked at it with the wonder of a little child seeing the twinkling of the moon reflect off the surface of the glass.
As the inside of the winglass heated up the mouse became frantic and desparate to escape the heat. It started clawing at the belley underneath it shredding the skin apart trying to burrow a hole into the mans body. After ripping open a hole in his lower belly the mouse died from a lack of oxygen. They removed the glass (which left a rather attractive burn mark creating a tender red ring around the man's belly button). Daddy was gurgling in pain though no one really noticed. By this time Papa was likely in shock and was no longer suffering quite as cognizant as before (though he was certainly aware that his belly button was about to be fucked).
His wife started to rape his bellybutton with the metal strap-on. All sorts of fluids and body pieces went flying all over the place as she raped his body cavity to smitherines.
During his last moments of conciousness he looked at his family. "Why"? he asked. "Why me" he groaned slowly?
His youngest daughter reached inside the empty chest cavity. His father was now in full shock and could not hear her. "Goodbye daddy" she said and with one giant tug she ripped out his heart. "Ohh...it's so warm". It beat two or three times splurting out a little bit of blood. She squeezed it into the gravy bowl like one would juice and orange. "Now we have some sauce worth eating".
Everyone got off the table except his son who was fingering his anus with his dead Father's fingers. Everyone was so turned on by it that they pleasured themselves until he climaxed by spooging all over the turkey. "I thought it wasn't quite basted enough" he said.
They all looked at each other and smiled. "Let's have that nice family thanksgiving now...like Papa wanted". They ripped out the two knives and threw his body onto the ground. The dog started munching on him while everyone else took the seat.
"You're the man of the house now" said the mother.
"Well I hope that doens't mean you'll eat me too" he said laughing.
"Hahaha" his mother bellowed. "Maybe next year" she giggled.
"I hope so" he son said. Boy did they laugh.
The three children, mom and uncle Pete (who now had a new and exciting strain of AIDS coursing through his body) sat down and had a splendid thanksgiving dinner. They chowed down on the newly basted Turkey which they found stringy and a little salty. "Did you really have to eat so much Asperagus this week" her sister asked him? They all laughed.
They liberally applied the brown gravy with Papa's AIDS blood all over the turkey pieces and put mounds of mashed potatoes with modly cranberry sauce on top. They then held out wine glasses which had managed to capture all of the various body fuild that went splashing around in the previous house, fortified with some alcohol uncle pete had brewed in the basement.
"To Daddy" said his eldest daughter.
"To Daddy" they all said.
"I hope he makes wonderful worm food in the ground" said Mom.
They drank it down and then they all went blind from the tainted alchohol that Pete made.
That brought down the atmosphere a little. But they quickly got used to not being able to see.
"Well...even though we're blind...it doesn't mean we can't clear the table" said mom "and then do the dishes".
They all tried to clear the table but tripped over one another. They found it difficult to make sense of their new world and in the end they just gave up and had a grand orgy on the ground. When it was all over they smoked some strong cigarettes and Papa's brother left telling them he'd see them next year if he was still alive.
Little Susy was the only one not completely without vision. She noticed that the light's went out.
"I guess the electic company finally switched us off".
"Doesn't make a difference now that we're blind".
"We might as well just sleep here".
"OKay. But if you kids are going to fool around keep it quiet. I need my beauty sleep" said mom. "Good night my little darlings" she said.
"Good night mom" they all called goodnight except the Petey who had choked to death on his uncles penis five minutes earlier.
The lights came back up and everyone but the father and Petey stood up and uncle pete came back in.
"Bravo" screamed the talent agent crying tears of both grief and delight. The actors didn't quite no where to look now that they were blind. "That was the most profoundly moving and devastatingly poignant thing I've seen in my life" he cried. They smiled and said thank you.
"I want to start you on two shows a day for the next three months. You'll have to find a new actor to play the father and the for each show" he said.
"That's no problem" the wife said. He wasn't my husband. He was a homeless man we paid.
"Oh...so where is your husband" he asked?
"we ate him during the last rehearsal" she said.
"Okay well...there are lots of homeless people in town" he said jumping for joy. But what about Petey?
"We will adapt. Don't worry".
"What should we call it?" asked the talent agent.
Those who were still alive called out in unison: "The Aristocrats".
THE END