User:Scofield/HowTo:Survive an assassination attempt
That day has come. That day an ominous shadow falls over what you thought was going to be just another day. You don't know what triggered this feeling of extreme dread inside you. Maybe the security around you is tighter than usual, or maybe you just saw some mysterious, flickering shadow which you couldn't make out. Either way, you've realized something today. Something so horrifying that you wish you were dreaming, that you'd wake up any second, just so that you could stop having this fear. This fear...that your life is about to end by the hand of some badass who's probably going to get away with it.
However, if you do find yourself in such a dire situation, there's no need to worry. People get targeted by assassins all the time, and now that you've found yourself in such a situation, we're here to show you how you can get out of it alive. Without further ado, my dear assassination targets, here's the definitive guide on how YOU can survive an assassination attempt!
Why would somebody want you dead?[edit | edit source]
Most targets of assassinations are people in positions of power, like that politician who was responsible for giving terrorists a run for their money. Other obvious targets for assassination are rich and powerful people, or dudes that have pissed off some rich and powerful people.
If you belong to any one of these categories, it should be pretty easy for you to figure out why you're being assassinated. Typical reasons vary, from some random terror attack that's been plotted to "send a message" to an enterprising business rival who's willing to think out of the box in terms of cutting his competition.
If you do not belong to any one of these categories, and happen to be an ordinary Joe, your assassination could be part of some mysterious, larger-than-life conspiracy in which you are just a pawn. In such cases, it's pretty hard to for you to understand why exactly your life is about to end. Your best bet to avoid an untimely death would then be to lock yourself up in your home and watch TV and eat leftovers all day.
Whatever the actual reason for somebody wanting you dead may be, the sooner you know about it, the better. That way, you could even prevent the assassination attempt from taking place. Buying yourself more time can be as simple as abruptly resigning as CEO of your company, or finally paying off those debts to the Russian mob.
In many cases, however, it's impossible to prevent the assassin from showing up at your doorstep even when you know why he/she's being sent there. In such a scenario, you can hope that your angel of death is a dumbass, or some amateur hack who's never even hurt a fly mosquito before. However, since such a scenario is extremely unlikely, we'll advise you to follow the rest of this guide.
Assess the situation[edit | edit source]
An assassination can technically happen at any point in your life. You could be offed while shopping for groceries, having a drink at a party, giving a speech at some function, or even while having sex with your wife or some random chick. Knowing where you're at when this premonition struck you could be the difference between life and death. However, regardless of what you're up to, here are some general tips anybody can follow to save themselves from getting assassinated.
Be a lazy bitch[edit | edit source]
Most assassins find it easier to hit their target when the target is busy or distracted. If you are an assassination target, chances are you've also got a demanding job which requires your complete and undivided attention. This time, do not pay ANY attention to it.
Make this your worst day at work. Skip all the meetings, reschedule all appointments, and don't even think about attending that office lunch your boss worked so hard on arranging. (In case you're the one planning the office lunch, cancel it immediately and don't bother addressing anybody's grievances concerning your actions.) You need to be a jackass, you need to be at your unproductive best, and you need to make sure any work you do get done is minor and inconsequential. This day may go down as the worst day in your entire career, but at least you'll live long enough to fix that later.
Don't stay at one place[edit | edit source]
As a general rule, assassins usually kill people when they're standing at one place for an extended period of time. If you're using the bathroom, talking on a phone or even signing some papers, your life is in clear and imminent danger.
Be always on the move. Make sure that you're not staying in the same location for more than a minute. Always try to get lost in the crowd, as an assassin will find it difficult to tail you in that case. However, remember not to stick with the same crowd! You need to persistently change the group of people that you're with, and you need to make sure that you're not "alternating" between the same two groups all the time. A professional assassin is very good at recognizing such patterns, and will no doubt figure yours out, sooner or later.
It's best to behave like a totally free bird throughout the day. You should have no idea where you're going, what the time is, or how far away you are from home. The more lost you get, the more lost will be your assassin. Hopefully, your erratic and unpredictable behavior will put him/her off enough to just give up the mission, and hopefully take care of his/her employers who will undoubtedly be furious with him/her.
Sometimes it's better if the place isn't crowded[edit | edit source]
The one exception to the "not staying at one place" rule is when the place you're in doesn't have too many people in it. If the location also happens to be a confined space, with little or no room to hide, you can probably even think of staying put. This is because an assassin will now have no choice but to just barge in there and try to shoot you, and we're pretty sure you can fight back when that happens.
Don't talk too much[edit | edit source]
It is also imperative that you avoid interacting with any other human being on the day you're to be assassinated. One reason for this is that the assassin will probably shoot you while you're being distracted by the other person's company. However, another important reason is that assassins often approach you themselves, offering you the chance to be their best friend when they're actually being paid to kill you.
To maximize the efficiency of this tactic, assassins often tend to be very attractive men or women, depending on what your sexual orientation is. Such an assassin will usually come across as a very charming and friendly person, somebody whom you just happen to get along with really well. You might even think about having sex with this person later on in the day, and you will find that the person is more than happy to oblige. Many assassins will however just skip the sex part and kill you off while they're still busy charming the pants off you. Case in point.
You're hanging out at some fancy bar when a mysterious but hot chick walks in
It's virtually impossible to avoid this kind of an encounter unless you control your urge to interact with such irresistible personalities, or happen to be asexual. Always remember, your life is even more important than sex with the most attractive person you've seen in your life, even if you get a feeling that he/she could be "The One" you want to spend the rest of your life with. We, the authors of this guide, know how hard this can be to take in, and have included the Conservapedia entry on abstinence to help you get in the right frame of mind for your assassination day.
Smoke and mirrors[edit | edit source]
We have already explained how assassins tend to kill their targets when they're distracted or sitting like ducks. However, if the assassin him/herself is distracted, it becomes nearly impossible for him/her to take your life, as you're but one person in a world of over 7 billion persons. How you distract the assassin even when you may have no idea where he/she is located is both a daunting and tricky task, but one that would greatly enhance your chances of survival. However, there are several effective techniques which can be used to make you're killer stalker's life a living hell. Such as-
False alarms[edit | edit source]
Assassins tend to get extremely weary when finding themselves in situations they're unprepared for. Though they have been trained to find and eliminate their targets in a variety of situations, there is one scenario which always catches an assassin off guard. That situation being a panicked frenzy.
We all remember what happened on 9/11. We also know that after what happened on 9/11, people all over the non-fundamentalist world have been fearing a similar event ever since. In such an environment, your problem with the assassin is practically solved! All you need to do is make sure you're in a crowded place, which is not hard considering assassins often tend to kill off their targets in such areas, and will gladly follow you to one. Once you've done that, all you need to do is shout out the words "BOMB!" and "TERRORIST!" about five to six times. Needless to say, the people around you will start running and screaming like the pitiful pussies they are, and the assassin will probably bolt as well, lest somebody notice that silenced pistol he was carrying around with him.
In case the assassin was trying to snipe you from a distance, there's still no reason to worry. Snipers can only hit their target if he/she's clearly visible. Since everybody's gonna be running around like crazy, that's definitely not gonna happen. There's also the high risk that the police choppers may come flying in, and may notice the inadvertently sexy pose the assassin strikes when he/she aims his/her rifle at you. After all, hoax bomb scares are serious business.