User:Sammyrai Sam/Sanada Yukimura

A statue of Yukimura waving his toilet bowl cleaner at the bad Tokugawa troops at Sanada Maru.

Sanada Yukimura’s exploits at the two sieges of Osaka in 1615 are the stuff of legends. Yukimura is so cool that he has been immortalized in as one bad-ass dude in numerous video games—endearing him to throngs of vidiots, sammyrai and ninjer alike.

Background

Likely born in 1567, Sanada Yukimura 真田幸村 was born in the province of Konami Japan. His father was an impotent, pimp’n retainer of the ultra-kewl Takeda clan of Kai. As Japan weeble-wobbled toward a final east-west clash at the end of the Sengoku period, Papa Sanada worried that his clan would perish in the conflict if they found themselves on the losing side. So, Papa Sanada told one son, Sanada Hiroyuki to ally himself with the Tokugawa clan and the other son, Yukimura, to offer his services to the Toyotomi clan. Yukimura died fighting for Toyotomi Hideyori and his overbearing mother, Yodogimi in 1615 while Hiroyuki went on to serve Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu followed by a successful film career in both Japan and Hollywood.

Sanada Yukimura's Exploits at the Siege of Osaka Castle

Let’s just stick to the facts. Sanada Yukimura is awesome. No doubt about it. When Tokugawa Ieyasu decided to rub out Hideyori and the Toyotomi clan once and for all, Yukimura decided to make his stand in a circle at Osaka castle called Sanada Maru. From this circle, he killed scores of evil Tokugawa troops using blue force lightning emitted from his yari (spear). After killing 20 Tokugawa troops, Yukimura received “on fire” status which allowed him to activate a special thunder bomb weapon which he could fire from his backside—enabling to kill even more Tokugawa goons.

Upon killing 150 enemy troops, Yukimura had a personal showdown with the undead zombie of Tokugawa general Honda Heihachiro (Tadakatsu). Yukimura won the struggle by ripping the antlers out of Heihachiro’s helmet and then he stuck them in his own because he thought they looked better on his, rather than Honda’s. As the antlers were the source of Honda’s power, he instantly vaporized the moment Yukimura pulled them out.

Now armed with antlers, Yukimara proceeded to gore Toyotomi enemies by the dozen with a brutal head-charge move that was unlocked at the start of level 2. At the end of level 2 and after slaying another top Tokugawa general, Yukimura moved to Tennojij 十叔父 (which means 10 old guys in Japanese). Faced with impossible odds, Yukimura just kept mowing down the enemy. Just when he knew he had the Tokugawa forces reeling, he signaled Osaka castle that Toyotomi Hideyori should lead a general attack and cavalry charge to hammer the nail in Tokugawa’s coffin. But Yodogimi, Hideyori’s mother, wouldn’t stop fussing over his appearance and as a result, Hideyori’s sally from the castle came too late. The Toyotomi’s chances at victory thus began to fade with the cold winter sunset.

Undaunted, but tired, Yukimura used his newly acquired ninjer skills (achieved after killing 250 opponents) to sneak behind Tokugawa lines where he charges the corpulent and grotesque Tokugawa Ieyasu, wounding him in the liver with a yari thrust. Yukimura managed to slay 15 of Ieyasu’s personal bodyguards as he tried making it back to his Sanada Maru to re-charge and get medi-pacs. But Yukimura simply ran out of steam. A Tokugawa soldier came running up, ready to challenge Yukimura, but he was too tired to fight. He sat down, stretched his neck out, and told the Tokugawa soldier, “You’re a lucky lad. Go ahead, make your day!” and off came Yukimura’s head and hence the end of a great game. Soon afterward, Osaka castle went up in flames, Hideyori and Yodogimi with it.