User:Saintjimmy777/HowTo:Play Freebird

Many many guitar players want to be able to achieve the godliness that comes with playing Freebird on guitar. Very few will achieve this goal and many will die trying. However, to lessen your chances of exploding while playing it, I have prepared this article for you.

Materials

You will need the following materials to get started.

• Guitar
• Many picks
• Bandages and gauze
• Any type of stimulants
• Tabs for "Freebird"
• A month's supply of water, food, and ecstacy

Flashback #1

You probably wonder how I know how to play Freebird, don't you? I remember when I was your age. I felt like I was on top of the world. I had trained for weeks, then that fateful night occured...

Practicing

In order to play Freebird, you will need shitloads of practice. Take it slow. If you practice too fast, this may be considered "playing" Freebird and you may hurt yourself. Do not attempt to "get in the zone" while practicing. Instead, figure out how to "get in the zone" so you can do so when your ready to "play" Freebird. If become fully in the zone while practicing, you will become high and attempt to play the song. This may result in injury or death.

Flasback #2

That night, I was filled with ambition, ecstacy and urine. After I relieved myself, I was then only filled with ambition and ecstacy, which is a lot easier to manage. I remember that entire show. We finished playing "Search and Employ" and it was over. But the crowd kept chanting one word over and over again. "Freebird! Freebird! Freebird!..."

Learning to play

When you have the tabs, study them well. Put your entire life into studying them. While doing your homework, study the tabs instead. While eating, study them. While watching TV, study them. While sleeping, dream of them. Study them while studying them while thinking of studying them. I know that last one sounds confusing and I promise you that it won't make any more sense when you try.

Are you ready

You'll know when you're ready to play Freebird. Once you have all sections down, and the solo (the hardest fucking part), you may begin to "play" Freebird. But only at a slower tempo, and only in sections.

Consequences

There are many consequences to playing Freebird when you aren't ready . These are:

• ASPLODEing
• Head Injury
• Concussion
• Spontaneous combustion
• Finger bleeding
• Ear bleeding
• Rectum bleeding
• Beer bottle storms
• Booing and Hissing
• Crying
• Depression
• DEATH (if you're lucky)
• Damnation
• Loss of limbs
• Mental Retardation
• -100000 Long Blade Skill Points
• Double DEATH
• Becoming Bat Fuck Insane

Flashback #3

As we decided to play Freebird, I began to tremble. Was I really ready to play this epic song? We began, and I did great. We started the solo, and I kept going. I was unstoppable. Then came that damned note. The last note in the song. I hit the wrong one, and the band stopped. Everyone looked at me as I realized what I had done. I had fucked up Freebird. I remember saying "God have mercy on my soul." God may have had mercy, but the hundreds of drunks in the audience didn't. They threw fruit, beer bottles, retarded kids, cats. I was kicked out of the band and beaten and nearly murdered by the audience. It's all up to you now kid.

Playing Freebird

If you're ready, wait until the last show on your tour, for the encore, play Freebird whether the band wants to or not. Keep steady, and remember that if you fuck it up, you will be caught in a shitstorm of epic proportions.