User:Rio GT/Vauxhall Nova

The Vauxhall Nova was a motor car produced by Vauxhall in the UK [1982-1993], and by European manufacturer Opel in the rest of the world (Europe). According to independent sources, it is in fact, “ da best car in da world, init”. Designed by hard working British Men in Britain *cough*spain*cough*, it became a legend in the world of motor racing, rally racing, family transportation, military use, and more importantly in the fact that it makes you “cool as fock”. With speeds in excess of a million miles per hour and with bullet/brick resistance rear windows, the Nova has spawned a series of successors that have been improved on the design even if they have been even worse in every respect, init blud.

Appeal of the Vauxhall Nova

Analyst have put the success of the nova down to a variety of factors, the main cause being of course, that owning a Nova makes you officially Hard as Fuck, which according to Which? Magazine is unmatched in its rivals, the Citroen Saxo, Ford Fiesta and the Rover 25 wiv blakked out windows. Innit. Many innovations came with the introduction of the Nova in 1982, including; lack of airbags, a chassis that shaked uncontrollably at 40mph - for added comfort, 3 matching wheel hubs, suspension made of recycled bike pumps, and trim that separates from the rest of the car when you drive over a pebble!

The engine of the Nova was a revolution in engineering quality, providing engines built in the style of a 40watt petrol powered blender, but providing the power of a Rocket jet fighter thing. That’s fast! The engine was built by English factory workers in the same factories that built such mega reliable appliances such as the Rover 400 series car, the SA80 assault rifle and even Noel Edmonds.

Although the Nova is single handedly the greatest car in the known universe [innit], its base model did come rather bare. Fortunately, many optional extras were available for use with the Nova, including even more lack of airbags and other irrelevant safety features, high quality fabric previously used in a strip-club and a luxury plastic trim that burns into the atmosphere when you reach 40mph.

After market parts also found their way onto the market, which boosted the speed of the Nova so much that the Po-Po’s would instantly become scared of you since your Nova is so errrmazen innit! Go-Faster stripes, turbo stickers, spinny wheel hub thingys, tinted rear windows and a pair of gold fluffy dice, were notorious in the scene for boosting cars to performance status.

Vauxhall Nova [Model A]

1983 Factory production model Nova, with minimal interior or exterior fuss for lack of pleasure at all. Marketed at middle aged women with not enough common sense to buy a Ford. 4 seats as standard with a tiny bit of extra space for a very small, possibly Ethiopian child, seat-belts not included. Stereo with a faulty tuning knob as industry standard, air-conditioning also referred to as window. Sunroof - Make your own. Single windscreen wiper - absent, presumed missing.

Power comes from an engine. Obviously. Provided in 1.0, 1.2, 1.4 litre engines, all of which don’t make the tiniest shred of difference since breaking down at about 20mph on a hill is expected. Optional extras include: Donor Card, First Aid Kit, Flare Gun, Current range Renault catalogue.

Vauxhall (I got fucking, SPORT written on my fuckin car door, you understand me dave?)

Supposedly rally equipped variant of 1983 model. Came in two brand new RALLYSPORT colours: Slightly malnourished otter and Homeless Leper Shit. The word SPORT is decaled on each door on the 3-door model, which obviously, as words tend to do these days, make you go 2mph faster.

Only built with engine size 1.3litre, other pointless changes to the engine include green hoses, a spark plug that doesn’t work and oil manifold chamber recycled from a 1940’s steam powered wheelchair. Not available to women drivers because “dey is shit yeh?!”, sexism does not apply because the EU treaty on equal rights is irrelevant to a car sponsored by manufacturers son, who happens to be a Member of the BNP.

Vauxhall Nova

[I got me like dese fuckin raciiiin stripes nd da sticka dat says turbo on it, cos it does make me does go like 120 daan hill, innit blud]

Special modification of the Popular Nova, built with performance enhancing go-faster[tm] stripes and a premium nylon sticker with the word “TURBO” written in big writing for added effect when you’re screeching away from “Dem Po-Po’s”. All available for £4.99 at your local Halfords Store! Includes a Chav Scum driver, who you can guarantee will never be distracted by the stripes on his bonnet and crash head on into the back of a van.

Built around the classic 1.3 SPORT engine, this model utilises a new innovation known In the business as SFG dynamics, also known as Stuck in First Gear. This makes the engine better whilst wearing out the clutch, but that doesn’t matter, because you go faster and make more noise, even though you’re just making noise and probably not even moving, which is likely because the noise being made is your moaning as you push the car into a bus stop because the clutch broke 20 minutes ago….But who gives a shit….You still have your racing stripes don’t you?