User:Reel/Hallelujah

Hallelujah is a drug found in Christian churches all around the world. The "official drug of God" according to the Code of Canon Law, and "the drug that God likes but wishes only we could have" according to Martin Luther's diary, hallelujah causes one's perception of the world to be altered. A hallucinogen similar to PCP, hallelujah gives its users (the number of which is far more voluminous than even the amount of people using marijuana or tobacco) a false feeling of comfort that everything is right in the world. IT'S NOT! It also gives its users nice tingly feeling right there. You know, in that place. Yeah....

Composition

Hallelujah is a type-7 hallucinogen, which makes it a cross between a psychedelic and deliriant; that is, scientists were too fucking lazy to classify the damn thing properly. Its closest relative is lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD or "acid" is what the kids call it today), sharing approximately 95% of that drug's chemical composition...which also makes it a dissociative, I suppose. Basically, hallelujah is the prototypical hallucinogen, the one to which every stereotype applies.

Hallelujah is an ergoline derivative produced by yelling very loudly at a sample of ergoline for an extended period of time. This causes two molecules of carbon dioxide to chemically bond with the ergoline, producing hallelujah. To refine it into a form that won't kill you too quickly, one must then slaughter either a gypsy or a homosexual and use its blood to bathe the hallelujah while reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards. Afterward, its chemical formula is C₆O₄S₅₄T₄₇D₆₅. Perfect.

Distribution

As mentioned earlier, hallelujah is primarily found in Christian churches. Produced in the same factories that make holy water, hallelujah was officialized by the Vatican in the 5th century AD. According to Pope Hilarius:

“ This-a drug kills two birds a-with-a one stone. It-a keeps the people a-happy, and it-a kills a-the vagrants. I guess-a that-a means that it-a kills-a two gays a-with-a several stab-a wounds. ”

During the Separatist Movement, Protestant leaders swiped this reasoning and added several "PRAISE JESUS! But not too much"'s to it. Thus, one of the only things connecting all sects of Christianity is hallelujah. That's a good thing, right? Whatever.

Though methods of torture have become more extreme as time has gone on, the general concept of hallelujah's distribution in churches remains the same. The Second Vatican Council widened the scope of people allowed to be killed for hallelujah to include all pro-life or pro-abortion people, as well as the sacrilegious and sinful that weren't also clergy. No numbers exist that extrapolate how many of these have died for this purpose. Probably a handful, at least.

Baptists

Baptists are especially fond of the drug, and have been known to take vast quantities in seemingly death-defying time frames. In a typical Baptist mass lasting 5.4 hours, one can sometimes find hallelujah amounts numbering in the millions. This far outnumbers any quantity of recreational drug to be found on the streets of Amsterdam. Wow.

Most attribute this to the high number of black people in Baptist churches. "It's not bigotry," said mayor of a small Alabama town and avid Ku Klux Klan member Grady Brint, "it's just cold hard facts." Dubious though these facts were, they were nonetheless presented as follows:

BLACK PEOPLE	WHITE PEOPLE
504% more likely to be criminals and whatnot. It's in their blood to be violent. Just look at the tribal disputes in Africa and you'll see. There's no reasoning with 'em.