HowTo:Knock on Heaven's Door
So you're dead, Shit happens. That's not good is it... or is it? Did you die of old age, happy and fulfilled? Or did you commit suicide? If you did kill yourself you better get your sob story ready, because St. Peter is a grouchy old sod. That said, I wouldn't let someone dressed like you in if it was up to me, there is no place for "Bling bling" or looking "Gangsta" in the Kingdom of the Eternal.
So how did you go? Suicide? You look like the sort to me. I don't care anyway, it's between you and the man with the halo and wings by the gates over there. Not to worry though, the worst that could happen is that you end up in hell. It's not such a bad place. I spent a few hundred years there myself due to a
"clerical error" and the fact I used to play badminton with Hitler. If you're into being impaled on pretty much anything you could think of and roasting on furnaces that have burned for thousands of years while listening to a perpetually looped tape of Mull of Kintyre, you might even enjoy it.
It may take a few thousand years to meet St. Peter though. Go on, join the end of the line.
Waiting in line[edit | edit source]
Now this is one long line of people who have died and came here and died again while waiting in the line. (How is that even possible?) I heard Heaven's a nice place. I haven't been there because I went to hell for pushing that old lady out of the way, but some guy saved me then said "Achievement Unlocked, Bitch." I'm sure there's some reason, but that's not important. There's famous people in this line! Look, there's Michael Jackson walking in the hell line! Oh hey, there's Jade Goody following Michael. There seems to be a lot of famous people walking by...
Few thousand years later[edit | edit source]
St. Peter: No, killing yourself for the "Holy Land" for a Thousand virgins does not mean you will go to Heaven, it means you will go to Hell and sleep with thousand fat World of Warcraft players who never got laid.
Terrorist: Where is Allah?
St. Peter: Not here. Now go to the Hell line, NEXT!
You: Hi.
St. Peter: Name?
You: <insert name here>
St. Peter: You died on 21 November 2024?
You: Yeah, that's right.
St. Peter Go on then, knock and see if God will let you in.
The knocking part[edit | edit source]
You lift your hand grab the knob on the door and tap it three times. That wasn't so hard, was it? What, you thought this was going to be a 3 page about how to knock on a door? Get real.