User:PoorNUnknown/Woolworths Customer Trampled in Stampede
A rare Woolworths customer was trampled to death after frenzied staff stampeded out of a Luton store, breaking down the doors in the scramble to leave.
The man, who has since been sold as mincemeat, was knocked to the ground as the glass doors to the Woolworths store on the Landfill View estate shattered under the force of an unruly 200-strong crowd of personnel, moments after the announcement of the collapse of the traditional 'Cheapo Crap' retailer.
The crowd swarmed over and around him even as muggers paramedics battled in vain to empty his wallet save him, said police. Horrified witnesses spoke of employees cheering as the store emptied. 'When I told them they'd be losing their jobs, one yelled, "I've been sat at this shitty checkout for 3 years and now's my chance to get the fuck out". They just kept running, and none of them could even be bothered to loot the store' said Chantelle Chuffbuttocks, who described the crowd as 'insane with delight'.
The customer, one of a vanishing breed of congenital idiots who visit the store during the Christmas period, was quickly gathered up by a local butcher and recycled. As the news of the collapse was confirmed, the pressure from the jostling staff bowed the doors, which eventually shattered.
'This crowd was out of control,' said Human Resources specialist Michael Fleming, who described the scene as 'poor personnel management'. He claimed the store lacked adequate imprisonment facilities. 'I've heard other people call this an accident, but it is not. Certainly it was a foreseeable act. Cattle prods, handcuffs and Rohypnol would have kept them at the tills.'
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Intense speculation about the causes of the extreme staff reaction has been fueled by rumours of an attack by the Theo "The Axeman" Paphitis.
Paphitis, who is named after an embarrasing intestinal disorder, is known from the hit TV series 'Vultures Den,' where psychopaths exploit willing idiots for money. He said 'It's what I do, I pounce at businesses in distress, hack the staff to pieces and eat their flesh. It is early days. My appetite might be satisfied in the next week or two'.