User:PoisonIvy/UnBooks:Around the World in Eight Days

Introduction

Loda Balogni's boyfriend and his wife

This is the journal of Loda Balogni, a fictious famous scientest in the nineteenth century, who, in her mid teens, set off to traverse the globe in a week. There has been much discussion on the credability of the journal, but at Uncyclopedia we have a team of skilled researchers specially trained to discover whether a book is true or fiction, and they have yet to fail. Ms Balogni was born in the shadow of the Leaning Tower of Piza in the January of 1831. By 1847 she had two children and was a budding scientest and explorer. It was then that she purchased a large, striped hot-air balloon and made plans to circumnavigate Earth. Her travelling companions were to be her year-old son Danio Ravioli and her twenty-one-year-old brother Hepo Balogni. The balloon finally took off, with a huge crowd of spectators, on February 14, 1847. Ms Balogni's diary commences:

February

Friday 14

Loda Balogni ascends!

We are off at last! We ascended into the sky early this morning. It was a beautiful day, with a sparkling blue sky and not a cloud in sight. And what a crowd there was to see us off, dear reader - I near fell over the rail in surprise! From Roma to Napoli to Umbria they came, and at least one all the way from America! Well, once we were up in the sky, there was some discussion over whether to start East, through Turkey and Asia, or West, across the Atlantic and the Americas. I said of that we should fly over the ocean first, while the wheather was good, but Hepo said that the seers predicted good weather for the next ten days, and it would be fine. All the while the men and women down on the ground gazed up at the basket floating in the air, with wonderer and admiration in their eyes. After an hour or two, Danio - he's such a bright little thing for a one year old - piped up, "Mummaz always wight," and so we are now out of sight of land, over the Atlantic Ocean, and on our way around Planet Earth.

Saturday 15

Loda Balogni's pigeon. Note the sincere expression and intelligent eyes.

A messenger pigeon arrived this morning, with a message on pink paper with a large, flowery heart. I opened it away from Danio and Hepo's prying eyes, and to my delight found a bueatiful poem, which I shall not reproduce here, but I will say that reading it, and especially the signature, made me feel quite strange inside, and afterward I felt quite faint. Then suddenly, the whole balloon lurched, and I was thrown against the wall. Hepo crashed into a stack of pots and pans, and poor little Danio was thrown over the edge, being as light as he is. Daringly, I would have tied a rope to memp feet and jumped over the edge after him, and not Hepo done it first. Gasping, I leant over the edge and watched. Hepo is ever so much heavier than Danio, and he soon caught up and grabbed him. The rope then reached it's limit and, after a few quick bounces, Danio and Hepo were still. Once I had hauled them back up, we looked about for the cause of the jerk. It was not hard to find - a mass of storm clouds was above us! There was nothing we could do at present, and we went to bed hoping that it would clear.

Sunday 16

The storm which blew Loda Balogni's expedition into South America's jungles, taken the morning after the crash

Oh dear, reader. Last night the storm blew us down into a strange jungle, and I fear we are stranded in Brazil or South America. We converted the scraps of balloon into a tent, and spent the rest of the night by the beach, just into the trees. There were strange howlings all through the hours of dark, and poor Danio wet himself so. This morning we explored the area, and found both a waterhole and a tree with large, purple fruit which tasted quite sweet. The water in the pool is quite drinkable, but unsuitable for bathing, as it is inhabitited by large, sharp-toothed fish which seem to want nothing more than a bite of human flesh. Hepo began cutting trees to make us a log cabin, as it seems we may have to stay in this land for many days. It is raining at the moment, I hear it thundering down upon the striped tent.

Monday 17

A photo of a dead giraffe which Loda Balogni's friend Marissa Maria took when on holiday in Central Africa

Today Hepo did much work on the log cabin, and soon I think we shall have a comfortable place to sleep. Danio has sprouted a strange, red rash on his left calf. I am sure it is nothing serious, though he does squeal so when I touch it. There are many mosquitoes in this strange land, and constantly we are slapping and squashing. Hepo plans to make the hut mosquitoproof. Leaving him with Danio, I climbed a small hill, and at the top I found a view worth a photograph. However, I had left my camera at the camp, and it would take several hours to walk back down. Instead I shall include a photograph of a dead giraffe, which my friend Marissa took on her holiday to Africa.

Tuesday 18

The giant snake which tried to eat Loda Balogni. Note the copyright in the lower right corner

The walls of the log cabin are much higher, almost as high as an elephant's knee. By tomorrow or the next day it will be time to put a roof on it. Hepo is such a wonderful worker. Danio's rash has spread to his hip one way and to his ankle the other, and he cannot walk. I fear he may have been bitten by a venomous snake or worse. Certainly there are snakes in this strange land, and huge too. This morning at eight 'clock I told Hepo that I was going down to the waterhole, and set off. But when I got there I was given an frightful shock, for slithering out of the waterhole was an absoloutely ginormous snake. It came right at me, dear reader, and I turned and ran with utmost speed back to the camp. Luckily, just before I turned I managed to get a photo of the beast. Hepo seemed reluctant to beleieve me, and so we shall have to wait until I get home so that I can develop the film and prove it to him. This really is a most dangerous land.

Wednesday 19

The strange, long-snouted pig which Hepo Balogni caught

Today the walls of the cabin were completed, and Hepo is working on the roof. Danio's leg is starting to turn purple and the skin is rough with a large scab on his calf. He is in constant pain and no amount of the purple fruit will quiten him. Early in the morning Hepo went hunting and speared a pig-like creature with a long snout. Tonight we roast it, and I am hoping that the taste familiar food will make Danio a little happier. We have had nothing to eat but purple fruit since Saturday now, for all of our food was lost in the crash. I have been helping Hepo with the cabin, although he tells me to rest. A few times today I have found my mind a little foggy, and once I clean forgot something I had just done - I don't remember what now.

Thursday 20

The cabin is completed at last. Well whoopidoo.

Hurrah! Today, dear reader, we completed the cabin. Now that we have another roof over our heads, we will begin to repair the hot-air balloon, so that we may leave this wretched place. I am worrying much about Danio's leg, which is now bleeding, and the scab is now quite pussy. Apart from those daily worries, I dearly wish to make love again, but that is quite impossible in this foreign land, for my only other company are my brother and my son. My head feels light and fluffy, and Hepo says I am feverish and not thinking properly, but I don't care what he says, because really I am quite all right, and he can think what he likes. I am quite tired and really must go to

Friday 21

Heop is makgin me stay in bed today because my head is quite hit and I am not thinkgins properly. We are slepening in the canin now and we have sdtaried work on reapring the ballon, or at lleast hep had he tell sme I am to stay in bed. Danio 's leg is quite swollen and he just lires there moanign. I think we may hvae to ampuetate it bcause it is very noicsy.

Saturday 22

i slept therough most of today bcause i was so tired hepor worked on the ballon and it is mostly done, but we lost lots of sandbasg and he will have ot make some nmore. also danioe is wuite rathier adn i wanrt to amke

Sunday 23

Yeah, that's it. Pretty big, huh? And they've got a deadline to meet

Hepo tells me I have been in a high fever for the last two or three days, although I remember none of it, but looking at the journal entries for those two days I see he is right. I will not change them, however, or remove them; I think to leave them how they are now will convey a better feeling of what it is like here. From the skin of the dead pig - which Hepo tells me I did eat, although I do not remember it - and from sand by the waterhole he has made new sandbags. The balloon itself is repaired but the basket needs some work. Hepo told me to rest today and that I may help tomorrow. I was disappointed to hear that we have been gone for nine days, but I think that we shall remove the number of our days stationary from the total, to make it fair. With luck we will leave by Tuesday. Off again, into the sky, on our journey around the world! Danio's leg is worse than last I remember it, though Hepo tells me it is getting better; as I was feverish so for two days I do not recall how it was during that time.

Monday 24

Not that sort of Indian, you fool!

Today we were attack by Indians, dear reader! They had dark hides and spears. They must have a strange culture indeed, for only the women are warriors; not a soul there lacked a skirt! They chased us from our hut and down onto the beach. There we stood, cornered and terrified, while the prodded us with spears and felt us and looked us up and down as though the had never seen the likes of us, which they probably hadn't. I kept a firm hold on Danio all the while, and Hepo glared and pulled faces at them. At least they seemed to decide we weren't interesting any more, and promptly went back and raided our camp. Luckily they left the balloon, candles and matches, our most important artifacts, but all the sandbags are gone. Hepo will go hunting again in the morning, for more of the long-snouted pigs, for more of their skin.

Tuesday 25

Yay! The Wild Blue Yonder!

Well, I think we are ready to be off at last! Today Hepo made more sandbags, and repaired the basket. I helped a little but am still quite weak. Danio's leg is healing well, and although we have caught glimpses of the Indians in the distance we have not been bothered again. I spent most of the day beachcombing, searching for shells to show to the people back in Italy. We had the dead pig for dinner, and it was absolutely delicious. During the dinner Danio never squealed once. Tomorrow we take off once more, into the wild blue yonder. In a few days we will be back in Italy, home again, with plenty to show for our adventures!

Wednesday 26

[[Image:LodaBalogniOverSouthAmerica.jpeg|thumb|Luckily, she didn't fall out. If she had have, she would have been eaten by jaguars and caymans and anacondas and ocelots and opossums and armadillos and piranhas and dolphins and turtles and frogs and peccaries and tapirs and cock-of-the-rocks and Indians and marsh deer and termites and leaf-cutter ants and little slimy things that go 'blurp' in the night]]We took off while it was still dark. We saw many different creatures down in the jungles, and Danio was quite delighted. Luckily, I didn't fall out. We saw the Indians again, and they ran in terror at the sight of us! For most of the day we were over South America, but were out over the ocean at four o'clock, and the land was beneath the waves before nightfall. Danio's leg is fine now, though it still bares marks of the strange affliction. The oddest thing is the noise which struck up at about seven o'clock. Every five seconds, without fail, something outside our little shelter goes 'blurp.' Tomorrow I shall have a look for it. Perhaps we have taken some jungle creature with us. We shall have to wait and see.