User:Player17500

(moved to the sandbox, have fun with a brief excerpt of the whole thing)

hey, everyone! here's how I got my uncyclopedia account!

good morning, listeners! You can call me crazy jerry, and this is "i am here to stay", the only podcast that listens back...

my day at the station...

starting off with something that happened just the other day, i was walking to work- well, by walk i mean anything but a car (being a bus and a train to get around)- so as I was quote on quote "walking" to work i was just leaving the station when... no you gotta understand how the station goes, you see I get off at platform 3, where i walk up the stairs and turn right and walk past the elevators hall and past the bathrooms and past the food stand and i turn left to go through the ticket gates (sometimes i forget to take my ticket out of my work bag while walking past the bathrooms, and i end up fumbling my ticket infront of the ticket guy, really embarassing, i'll go into detail later). now just as i was leaving the station, wait, yeah this was a day where i fumbled my ticket, but they recently switched to digital tickets, wait, no i gotta explain digital tickets now. so digital tickets are probably gonna be the bane of my existence at this point, i think everybody was okay with getting a paper ticket or evading the fee (not gonna tell you which one i did, oh no that probably makes me look like a criminal, don't i? ah well) and then the government installed these bigass ticket machines onto every station... this whole idea looked a bit shoddy in the first place, i mean, we had a whole lot of people simply just walking up to the machines and... doing anything they wanted to them (crowbar, hacksaw, just anything you could use to deconstruct the whole thing), yeahh no one liked the new fancy digital ticket machines when they were introduced at every station, but it seems to have grown onto everyone by now. wait, no my good buddy terry still don't like those ticket machines too!

my buddy terry

my good buddy terry is definitely an enigma, when i tell you all the things he's done, you're gonna be fast asleep because you've been waiting for me to stop for 20 hours... so first of all this guy, hes got a few gimmicks, being someone who keeps a reputation system of everyone he sees on his iphone7:

• if you do good infront of him he gives you a +5 reputation
• if you do bad infront of him he gives you a -5 reputation
• if you do a favour for him (his favour, asking you) he gives you an extra +20 reputation
• you can always ask him about your reputation, but it takes away 3 reputation everytime you want him to show you
• you can try to steal something from him, but if caught, he puts you in a seperate list of names called the :"unfortunate list", where i peeked at a couple of the names:
  • Steve Jobs
  • Gerald Michaels
  • Gary "Joker" Mcready
  • William Afton
  • Crazy Jerry
  • WHOEVER IS READING THIS!!
  • Barack Obama
  • Ryan Nancarrow
  • Ted Cruz
• if you ever turn away from my buddy terry, he's gonna try to move closer yo you, without you noticing (its miniscule, but he does it, i can tell with my eyes and my 20 years of doing the same thing to my other buddy dave)

well, yeah thats all i have to say about my good buddy terry, he really is one of a kind, or 5 of a kind if you count his continuous pursuit for information.

back to my day at the station...

well, yeah terry is always gonna look kinda strange ever since he tried to boil a live turkey, big mistake! it got him burns everywhere, even on the crotch... back to the station... yeah i was on platform 2... oh yeah i forgot to say! my train was running late and it managed to end up on the wrong platform, so i had to walk up the platform 2 stairs instead of the platform 3 stairs, now you gotta understand that these two platforms look kinda similar, they got the same bin positioning and the signs are all the same as if you were getting off platform 3, so i (unknowingly) walked up the platform 2 stairs and turned left instead of right, where you would normally turn if you were getting off platform 2, but i dont normally get off platform 2 so my muscle memory assumed that this was platform 3 so i walked up the stairs and turned left, which is what really got me confused, because i was still switched off from work that day (big work day, i'll get to it later... why don't i get to it now? yeah, i'll just talk about my day at work now).

my day at work (very important)

my day at work the other day was pretty boring, see i work at a library, i got that position where you check in new books and glue in those library barcodes where the bookkeeper puts the scanner and writes in your name on the computer. it's not that exciting, usually, but today was a different story. to start things off, most of my coworkers called in sick for today for some new concert by a... mirakuru mujikaru?? i dont know, well i didnt receive much help during the increasing workload of the day, which was actually full of desperate truckers arguing with maggie about their late books. maggie is usually very cooperative with her clients and work partners, but today was different, she was going all out, hurling insults to these truckers and doing everything she can to get them out of the library! i asked maggie about this earlier and she didn't want me involved because "i was just gonna make the situation worse". i kinda respect that, maggie saw whether i would improve the situation or wreck it and maybe destroy some relationships. i absolutely respect the commitment to keeping me out of this because it did seem kinda personal when she denied my request to help. this whole situation was followed by one trucker absolutely haymakering me in the back of the head on my way out of the bookstore, to finish the day. this really didn't bode well for my head and i still feel it throbbing now (being a few days later). that punch didn't knock me out, though, so i heard maggie and joe and steven running all towards me and yelling at me for not sensing that i was gonna get punched. ok.. this sounds really bad but i don't actually like my job, it feels like a hostile work environment and i am not up for that in a day-to-day work life. yeah... that punch to the back of the head by the trucker at the library who was having an arguement with maggie at the library was pretty diffcult to deal with, so i've booked an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow to see how much of my brains was eaten up by that pack of wolves a few years ago (yeah... im kind of a slacker when it comes to remembering to do that) yeah... im just gonna tell you about that (it seems important).

back when some of my brains got eaten by a pack of wolves (important)

ok, ok, this is definitely important! i need to tell you about this because im probably gonna forget about it otherwise and i dont want that happening. well i was in the mountains, doing a hiking trip with my associate- no, i gotta give a fake name, so you can know them as "wedge", so "wedge" is just a little smooth brained, as it turns out... this "wedge" guy wanted to go hiking with me for whatever reason (these mountains are kinda big, "wedge" is probably just wants to kill me and leave my body out here, bleeding in the snow... (damn thats a good idea, if i ever see "wedge" again i'll let'em know that they are gonna go hiking with me)). back to that hiking trip... yeah... i was climbing with "wedge" and we both look up and see this random ass pack of wolves about 200 meters away (we were on a really vertical slope, so it was more like 50 meters horizontally), anyway the wolves must have seen us before we saw them because they were just chargin for the both of us! "wedge" had the brilliant idea to just fall down, tumbling between 20 and 200 meters down the mountain before letting out a long groan. that groan must have been his last ("wedge" is okay, by the way he did survive) because it triggered a huge avalanche! while i was distracted by "wedge" falling, those wolves had reached me and started chewing at my head and my arms and my legs but not my chest (phew) and before you know it, that avalanche that i mentioned had reached my position and was gonna cover me in snow. the wolves seemed to have a plan and kept chewing, but one of them didnt chew and just kept their teeth on my forehead. i think their plan was to use the avalanche to sorta drive their teeth into me, hopefully eating my juicy brainy parts. this plan actually did work, and the wolves did use the avalanche to bite really hard into my forehead, chipping my skull 50,004 times and multing my brain till it reached [naneinf] squirmy little pieces (see what i did there? that was a balatro reference, might talk about that later). anyway, my brain really hurt and i ended up bleeding in the snow for a couple hours... when i woke up i saw no sign of "wedge", only a note in my brain saying "sorry, had to go" strangely, this note had a signature at the bottom reading J$... J$? I don't even know any J$! who wrote this letter?? i suppose i will never know who wrote that letter... i might aswell find out who wrote that letter. i asked "wedge" about the signature and they said "oh, yeah that was me i had to leave and i didn't want you to wake up looking for me like you always do" well that explains it, anyway thats why my some of my brains go eaten by a pack of wolves (which is partly why i turned left instead of right at the station).

back to my day at the station...

yes... when i turned left instead of right that would mean that i was heading straight down the bathroom hall! i barely even noticed this until i hit my (wolf bitten, haymakered) head on the disabled and parent cubicle sign. apparently, my brain decided that this was the final straw and knocked me out for a couple minutes... i wake up, still in the station being looked down upon by an angry mother, who thought that i was trying to look up her skirt (i was unconsious and she looks kinda ugly) and decided to call local law enforcement. suddenly, the part of my brain that was eaten by wolves used some sort of telepathic method to find my vocal cords and start rambling about being in a wolf shit pile and how it smells sooooo baaaad. after about 3 minutes of my wolf brain complaining about the smell, the local law enforcement showed up and they started agreeing with my wolf brain (we were next to the bathroom). eventually, the local law enforcement stopped agreeing with me because my wolf brain just started making wolf noises, and screaming. the local law enforcement decided to keep me on the floor and await their all new drug sniffing tortoise (very slow, very difficult, very necessary for the job). So this drug sniffing tortoise was very slow, the drug sniffing tortoise needed to be notified about the situation, then the drug sniffing tortoise walk down the 23 story stairs from the top of the local law enforcement station (elevator was out that day), then the drug sniffing tortoise had to get an email from his boss, then the drug sniffing tortoise had to practice leaping into the passenger seat of the local law enforcement vehicle, only to leap into the drivers seat of the local law enforcement vehicle and end up driving into a local fish and chips shop and do that coin on a string trick to get some free gumballs from the gumball machine. the local law enforcement finally caught up to the drug sniffing tortoise and had to stop the drug sniffing tortoise from humping the bar stools at the local fish and chips shop in a desperate attempt to increase its numbers (the drug sniffing tortoise is a near extinct species, you see). finally, the drug sniffing tortoise was nearing my location and local law enforcement was able to catch their breath. after a very quick (around 3 seconds on my mental stopwatch) search, the drug sniffing tortoise decided that there were no drugs in my system or on my person. the local law enforcement declared me free to go.

now that i was free to go (still kinda dazed from all my previous events), i decided to get up and walk to the ticket booth (the digital ticket machine machine was out that day) so i could leave the station and get on my bus to go back home (this was approximately 3 hours after i reached the station on platform 2 by my normal train). this did not go so well, as i happened to fumble my ticket infront of the ticket guy. apparently, the ticket guy had not seen any of the commotion just around the corner (past the food stand) so i didnt actually have an excuse for not immediately taking out my ticket from my work bag