User:Pashion/HowTo:Go to Work on Drugs

Careful!!

Maybe some of you have been here, maybe you did it and can't remember it or maybe you're doing it as we speak! Whatever the outcome, we all know that times aren't how they used to be and the regular drug-user just hasn't the time to sleep in, play with Lego or just 'mong' in front of the television. As we all edge towards adult life, the working week is a dark cloud on any calendar. With this guide, it needn't be.

Marijuana

Fig 0. Don't worry, they don't know!

As this popular plant has the least after-effect it is unlikely that over-doing it the night before will have as strong an effect as being directly under the influence.

The fear

The first thing to remember is that, the people you work with probably don't know that you are stoned (Fig 0.). However it's you thats the problem and not them and so we must concentrate on the panic and fear that is running rampant in your mind. It is important to imagine that the other people in your office know nothing about drugs, and you are the only one who has ever taken them. Don't let notions of foolish delusion become a theme today though, we need our feet firmly on terra firma.
If a slightly naive colleague questions you on your red eyes or your over-use of the words 'like' and 'you know what i mean' it's better off saying you hungover. This is a more acceptable ailment and likely to get an encouraging vote of sympathy from older members of staff.

Coherent Speech

Coherent speech is less likely to be a problem in the short-term, so avoid challenging linguistics such as puns and wit. They will not work. Farcical comments and comparisons may normally work well with the people you sit nearby but bear in mind you could suddenly laugh un-controllably so its not worth the risk. Avoiding making comments like 'fans are kind of like little helicopters' and 'it would be cool to have been a pirate, sailing the seven seas...'. This might provoke accusations that you are not in a position to credibly deny.

The tricky part is that in most lines of work conversations are necessary and whilst some people you work with might be good friends of yours, they probably won't see the funny side of your plight. The hangover excuse is particularly poignant in this circumstance as it forgives your reluctance to talk and will explain why you jump out of your chair each time the phone rings. Conversations are, unfortunately, necessary.

N.b If you work in a call centre, you might be tempted to pretend that you have just received a call and pretend to have a conversation. If you can ad-lib for that long whilst high, you don't need this guide.

The longevity of your discussion is advised to be kept to a minimum as your short-term memory will only be able to cope with the last 3-4 minutes of conversation. See the below example

Boss: I need you to look over the KPI's for last week, your team appear to be making some
 improvements and we need this in written form to show our investors. You remember what we spoke
 about just before you left on Friday afternoon
You: Yes.
Boss: Well, I spoke to the loading depot manager and he was talking about your recent KPI
telecon meeting with him. He feels the expectations we have for his department are too 
high and that revisions to his itinerary are necessary. We spoke about this last Monday, 
didn't we?
You: (Nod once and once only) Yes we did.
Boss: Well, do you feel like we should revise his itinerary?
You: (don't shift in you seat - CONFIDENCE!)  Yes.
Boss: I knew you'd change your mind. I seem to remember you vehemently arguing against 
this at the managers meal last Wednesday, yet you seem to have changed your 
tune.
You: Yes, I have.
Boss: Are you feeling alright? You seem a little out-of sorts today.
You: (don't panic) No, I'm fine. (think of excuse)I've not been sleeping 
properly and.......I've had to start taking sleeping tablets (YES!!) recently and
they make me a little groggy (You genius!).
Boss: Ok, well, what are your thoughts on the matter?
You: (maintain!) Well, they're working ok at the moment, they aren't
no particularly strong. I slept fine last night and I only had one! (phew!)
Boss: No, I meant the matter of the depot maintenance KPI itinerary.
You: err what?........... (whoops!)

Fig 1. Try to make sure that your confidence doesn't outweigh your inhibition.

As the above example shows, forgetting what you were talking is most likely to catch you out so keep conversations simple and irrelevant.

Suggested Nourishment

Eat plenty of food and drink plenty of coffee and water. Have peanuts/crisps on hand to pick at but remember to occasionally stop eating as this will definitely arouse suspicion. If someone asks for a handful, graciously accept and offer rather than hissing and cradling your food like a nursing gorilla, there is plenty more in the petrol station over the road. The coffee machine and a pint at lunchtime will help win back your confidence.
If you do use alcohol to calm your nerves do so in moderation else the result could be counter-productive (see Fig 1).

Tangent

Now your confidence is back, you will need to converse with those closest to you (i mean literally, DO NOT CALL YOUR PARENTS). Discussing things you are enthusiastic about is to be avoided, to prevent the tendency to ramble or rant and occasionally allow breaks for people to respond (this can help them to remind you what you were talking about later in the conversation). Be carfeul though, if you get too relaxed you may end up digressing into a tangent. Even the slightest distraction and the fog will start to thicken in your head, so concentrate on what you opened with and maintain . If this doesn't work, briefly wrap up the conversation and find sanctuary in a locked toilet cubicle.

The tangent is such a profound thing that if can take over even when their is no conversation at all! One moment you've noticed a new poster in the coffee area. Minutes later you (and probably others around you) notice that you've been staring into space for five minutes and you're thinking about what you're having for tea. Resist the temptation to either chuckle at this dilemna or congratulate yourself for noticing.

Ecstasy

Fig 2. This is what you should be trying to avoid.

It's 5:00am Monday morning, your house/flat/room is full of strangers, an old VHS of Fireman Sam is on full blast in the bathroom and you have a decision to make. As the fatigue kicks in your brain starts to address that lurking concern in the back of your mind.....i've got work today! The option of four hours sleep will hinder the following day more than help it and so staying up is the only option.

The Aftermath

Ok, so you've had a shower and lit your 400th cigarette (it serves as more of a comfort than a craving at this point) You've got plenty of time to get dressed and groom yourself but its probably best that the mohawk stay down for today, you're not going to want to cope with the eager eyes of your square superiors. Slick it back with a good solid comb. Don't we look smart! If you are still hallucinating, or have a dislike of bright lights, take a pair of LIGHT sunglasses (remember that whilst awareness is a bonus of ecstasy, the ability to react in a timely fashion isn't) so as to avoid bumping into things and so you don't have to look at other people and they don't know you're looking at them. A tip to avoid all contact but remain aware of it is to add head-phones to your inventory - wear them on the bus and people will think you can't hear them. Now you'll find out what these strangers really think of you. Fools!

Fig 3. If you look like this, your colleagues may suspect something.

Arrival

Your pupils are likely to be your biggest downfall here so direct eye contact with other people is not recommended. Don't let your eyelids hang down as they probably are trying to do, else you may look like Fig 3. However avoid the urge to stare as well this will doubtless raise questions. Tell you're boss that you simply couldn't sleep last night and try and slur slightly as well to give the impression of extreme fatigue. Flop into your chair and try and focus on the screen. The tiny letters on your monitor may form familiar curse words in front of you - keep this to your self. They are for your eyes only.

False Affections

Your heart will sink and shine throughout the course of the day. Try not to act on this, Dave Burks from debt management will not appreciate you finally taking the time to really talk to him and your soothing, caring outbursts of affection will probably make him feel uncomfortable. Stick to light conversation, as is the general rule, and don't nod your head too

Fig 4. Without drugs, life is like this

much when you respond. Where your response is required resist the temptation to elaborate on why you agree and how wonderful the question was, a simple yes will suffice.

The Decline

You may notice (with relief) throughout the course of the day that the thudding of your heart is waning and you actually feel quite nice and yummy. This unfortunately will be complemented with the feeling that there is an actual vaccuum in your head strong enough to test the theory of relativity in it. This cannot be stopped by anything but sleep, so by four o'clock you should be concentrating on winding down with a good strong sedative. If no sedatives are available a cup of Horlicks and a blow to the head will suffice.
You comedown will also make you feel a little emotional as I'm sure you have noticed before, your best bet therefore is to curl up in front of an old Friends video and imagine you have a nice, warm cuddly life that doesn't include last nights debauchery (see Fig 4.).
I advise you wait till you have actually finished work before you do this.

Cocaine

“...the horror...the horror...”

~ Marlon Brando on cocaine use.

Anyone who has seen Frasier will know that cocaine use is rife in the work-place. Research shows that most people who talk at work have been near a cocaine user in the previous 24 hours. Now that person is 'you' and what are you going to do about it!!
Whether you work in a sky-scraper and can afford it, or in a call centre and can't, cocaine is necessary for anyone who wants to feel better about themeself but doesn't have a reason or a disabled person nearby to actually do it. Don't kick yourself too hard, slugger. Today is going to be a long fucking day.

Before You Start

Feelings of fear, doubt and possibly guilt have been touched upon in the Marijuana section. Don't be fooled. This isn't a half-spliff on the way to the bust stop. This is white powder, baby. Whilst it may seem terrifying when you;ve overdone it on the wackus baccus, waking up after a serious cocaine binge is like waking up tied to a chair with a German in an apron standing next to you. Terror. This is best fought right from the beginning with more cocaine. If you still have some left in the morning, do a few more lines and come back when you have an addiction. If you have snorted it all like a pro, read on.