User:OSync/Sandbox 3
The Golden Age of Rome went about as follows (short version).
It all started, as it has to sometime, when Privius "Stinky" Commode (180-192) was strangled by Impertinax (192-193. 3 months) who was then murdered trying to quell a mutiny by the Praetorian Guard who then sold the crown at auction[1] to Didius Julianus I (193. 2 months) who was then executed by the Senate when a better candidate became available, September Severus (193-211) who then avenged the murder of Impertinax by dismembering the Praetorian Guard. He actually died a natural death. For all you know.
Getalife (211-209) was murdered by his brother Caracalla (211-217) who in turn was murdered by Macrame while he (Caracalla) was taking a bath. Macrame (217-218) was overthrown and executed by Elagabalus who then was murdered by Alec Severus (222-235) who then was killed
by Maximinus I (The Thracian) (235-238) who was 8 1/2 feet tall at a time when most Romans were 5' tall. It took the entire Praetorian Guard to kill him.[2] He was followed by Gordian I who committed suicide when he couldn't untie his shoes. Gordian II was killed in fighting Maximinus adherents. Or possibly he was suffering from clinical depression. Hard to tell at this late date.
They were followed by "Balls" Binus (238.joint. 2 months). Pupienus (238.joint. 2 months). The Praetorian Guard killed them both when they disputed with each other. You know how it is when people around you argue all the time? It just gets to you after awhile and then something snaps.
Gordian III (238-244) was murdered at the age of 19 by Philip I "The Arab" (244-249). He insisted on wearing a headress like Lawrence of Arabia thereby winning his nickname. He was killed in battle or assassinated by his own troop after unsuccessfully combating a revolt by (Trajan) Decimal (249-251) who was killed in battle followed by his son, Horrendius (251) who was also killed in battle.
Hostilian (251). A child, technically succeeded when his father, Horrendius, and grandfather, Decimal, were killed. The plague killed him, most likely sparing him assassination by (Trombonius) Gallus & Volusian (251-253) (joint) who were killed by their own soldiers while facing down a revolt by Aemilian (A.D. 253. 88 days)who was
killed by his own soldiers facing a formidable Valerian I (253-258) who was captured by the Persian king Shapur I, used as the king's personal footstool, before being killed, flayed, stuffed, dyed vermilion, mounted, and displayed for 200 years![3]
BC (Before Constantine)[edit | edit source]
Galiano (253-268) assassinated maybe at the instigation of Claudius II Gothicus (268-270) who defeated the Goths but caught the plague from them and died.
Quintillus (270. 17 days) - Hard to tell how he became emperor or how he died exactly. May have committed suicide.
(Lucius Domitius) Aurelian (270-275) who was killed by guards fearing his just wrath. They had just stolen his strawberries.
Tacitus (A.D. 275-276). 75 years old at accession. Assassinated. [Editors note: Seems hardly worth it to assassinate a 75 year old!].
Florist (276. 88 days) who was assassinated by own soldiers facing revolt by Proboscis (276-282) who was assassinated by his own troops who hadn’t yet defected to Cara Mia Mine (282-283) who died a natural death from illness after winning a battle.
Numerical (283-284) (joint). Died of illness. Concealed for days from everyone, leading to suspicion of dirty tricks.
Carinus (283-285) (joint) probably murdered facing revolt by Diocletian (284-305) who resigned (this has got to be a typo)
Mad Max (286-305) (joint) after resigning tried to wrest succession from Constantine, his son-in-law. Pardoned once, he eventually wound up executed. But see below. This is covered in loving detail there.
Constantius (305-306) - Father of Constantine. Died a natural death while invading Britain to put down a revolt by the Picts.
Galerius (305-311) (joint). Died a natural death. Lots of plotting going on.
Constantine[edit | edit source]
In 307, the new emperor Constantine marries the grandaughter of the man he usurped, who is also the daughter of the "other" emperor (this will be explained in a later article. Just bear with me). Constantine is already married, but so what? Who are you to judge? Huh?
310-326 - Constantine has the following people killed: his father-in-law (he never got along with his in-laws very well), his Caesar (see next article as above), two brothers-in-law (what did I tell you?), the other Caesar (you can see why this gets complicated), his son by his first wife, and his second wife, thereby avoiding prosecution for bigamy. Most people just don't think of tidying up like that! His predecessor commits suicide to avoid assassination.
337 - Constantine is baptized. He dies and is declared a "saint." Go figure!
AC (after Constantine)[edit | edit source]
Constantine II (337-340) (joint) killed during an attempt to seize territory from his brother Constans (337-350) who was deposed by the forces of his brother Constantius II (337-361)
Julius II called "The Apostrophe" because of the really dumb way he spelled his name: Ju'lius (360-363) killed in a battle with the Persians at the age of 33.
Valentinian I (west) (364-375) who was a very cruel emperor and often had unexplainable fits of rage, one of which resulted in a burst blood vessel and death.
Valens (east) (364-378) who was killed along with half of the total Roman army (2/3 of the actual defenders) by the Goths in the Battle of Adrianople, on the south, the wrong side of the Blue Danube.
Gratian (west - joint) (367-383) who was deposed in a military coup and murdered at the age of 23.
Valentine II (west) (375-392) Valentine II was only four years old when he was proclaimed emperor upon the death of his father Valentine I. However, the real power of his throne was held by the Frankish general Arbogastes. At the age of 21, when Valentine tried to have the general removed, he was strangled to death in his palace at Vienna. Not too smart, Valentine!
Theodosius "The Great" (east) (379-395) was one of the foremost generals in the Roman army and became emperor after the death of Valens. He spent most of his reign campaigning against the Goths and various other usurpers. Eventually, he extended his reign over the entire empire but then died five months later of dropsy. After a pagan coup attempt, formally banned pagan worship.
"Penny" Arcadius (east) (383-408) who died from a kick by a horse in A.D.408, and two years later Rome was sacked by the Goths.
This ended what is now called "The Golden Age of Rome." Then the era began that is called today by the Romans, "The time of troubles."