User:Nikau/Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson was a shining light for democracy. One that apparently glowed in the dark according to this picture.

Before there was the United States of America, there was Thomas Jefferson.

In fact, if Jefferson hadn't decided to sit the fuck down and author of the Declaration of Independence, the 13 colonies may have remained in British possession and Americans may actually be able to spell "honourable" and other words that best describe the most democratic of the founding fathers. For Jefferson, finding spare time to pen the document wasn't as easy as ignoring his Facebook wall, either. The man was an architect, inventor of the portable printing press and founder of Virginia College just to start the ball rolling. Hell it was as if Jefferson went into an employment office, looked at the available jobs and asked for the lot.

The lot, including the goddamn presidency. Jefferson served two terms as the third President of the United States and oversaw both a ban on the import of slaves and embargo on British goods, among other fuck you's to the establishment. What else did you expect from someone who farmed hemp for a living?

Peaceful legislating wasn't quite enough for the man who said the tree of liberty needed to be refreshed with the blood of patriots, so he utterly annihilated a load of pirates off Africa in the Barbary War. For context, we can't even defeat African pirates in 2011 with fucking missiles.

Yet this only describes the time that Jefferson spent with his pants on, which, in all honesty, wasn't very much of his life. When not fathering nations, Thomas was fathering children black and white, legitimate and illegitimate. Jefferson had six children with his wife and an uncomfortable number with Sally Hemings, his slave.

Despite our doubts, Jefferson was still just a man. Just a freak of a man who spoke five languages and was worth the combined intellect of 49 Nobel Prize winners.

Early life

Jefferson was born on April 13, 1743, with the silver spoon wedged firmly down his throat due to consanguineal connections that linked the young Thomas to basically everyone in Virgina who could afford to buy a wig. Jefferson was a descendant of William Randolph, a plantation owner who whipped out the 17th century equivalent of the credit card and bought most of the productive land in the Virginia colony. So to, the cousin of Jefferson's maternal grandfather was the first President of the Continental Congress, Peyton Randolph, a public official remembered best for his ability to piss off both the British and Patrick Henry. We conclude that Thomas Jefferson basically had his chromosomes arranged in the shape of a victory sign.

So some people pride themselves on working their way from the bottom to the top. Thomas Jefferson just started at the top and went into space. While the average spoiled child can barely string together enough coherent words to whine about getting the latest toy, the prepubescent Jefferson could speak Latin, Greek, and French. If Jefferson's quote "I cannot live without books," is any guide, during childhood his brain would collapse in upon itself and create a singularity that would absorb all the knowledge in the universe if he were not constantly studying the writings of the British Empiricists or flicking his way through one of the more renowned classics. Sadly, in 1757, his father would die of shock when he received a fine for Thomas' overdue books.

crap

Many years ago fairy tales used to begin with, Once upon a time... Now they seem to begin with, If I am elected...

Yes, my friends, we are talking about politics. Democracy to be exact.

One fairy tale everyone will tell you is that the Ancient Athenians invented democracy.