User:Nikau/CrossFit
CrossFit is an innovative new workout regime that will give you the sexist body in your class, office, trauma ward, wherever. The company was founded by Greg Glassman and Lauren Jenai when the pair realized the targeted workouts, focus on form and human spines of regular gyms were all fairy stories like Santa Claus; big things that keep people away from fitness and in the false belief they can be fat and happy.
Crossfit borrows elements from high-intensity interval training, olympic weightlifting, powerlifting, gymnastics and calisthenics and throws them in a blender, leaving a fine brown mush to nourish the giant muscle that is the human body. Of course mixing five or more fitness disciplines that each take years to master and then handing the mush to someone who bought their first tracksuit pants last week may also turn their kidneys into a fine brown mush (called rhabdomyolysis), but as they say, no extreme abdominal pain no extreme abdominal gain.
My tummy jiggles a lot. An almost hypnotic amount of jiggle. Could I start now?[edit | edit source]
Definitely. All a Crossfit gym goer needs to do during a workout is thrust their body around like a beached whale suffering from epilepsy (called kipping). These movements conserve momentum, allowing the gym goer to do some really ridiculously high intensity workouts that literally rip the fat off your bones and trade it in for a set of abs and biceps. Hanging upside-down or balancing on a piece of equipment logically never even conceived with this move mind is an absolute must if you want those top of the line abs and biceps that come with a free list of numbers from all the hot singles in your area.
For example, here is a workout in a regular gym;
| “ | I lifted X amount of weight Y number of times, in a controlled manner. I'm gradually building up strength so I can remove that big stump in the yard and my girlfriend can tend to the garden. | ” |
This is boring and the idea of "building up" to something sounds weak and indecisive. The Crossfit way of solving indecision is to roll all the choices into a single exercise of abrupt movements and back contortions;
| “ | I lifted Y amount of weight X number of times, in a jerky manner while standing on an inflated exercise ball. Today I'm going to jerk that stump out of the ground and onto the hands of my girlfriend so she'll never garden again. | ” |
This is awesome because your girlfriend should spend more time tending to you than tending to the garden anyway. Of course the preferable scenario is your girlfriend sharing your love for joint injuries and accompanying you to the Crossfit gym. Then the outcome would be;
| “ | Today my wife and I are going to throw the stump to each other for a few minutes, because obviously the complete lack of focus on any muscle group means it's strength training. | ” |
I can't take my shirt off at the beach, is this for me?[edit | edit source]
Sounds like you already enjoy giving in to peer pressure, so the CrossFit group activities would be right up your alley. Whereas regular workouts usually start by determining your own limit and then take their time to beat that limit by small but regular increments, CrossFit eschews all that incrementally garbage and encourages the group to leave their limits in a pile of bloody hessian sacks far out along a dirt road in the wilderness. Keeping up with the group is absolutely everything, form and joint cartilage be damned.
So your arms turn to jelly when you're doing curls and a girl in yoga pants and a college sports team hoodie walks past? Not to worry; using your gut and collar bones to push that barbell into a position where it can cause serious cranial injuries is all by the book for CrossFit, so long as you get it up there. The support of your fellow gym goers, dispensed while they suck on $50 hiking water bottles and finger similarly overpriced smartphones, is all you'll need when your spine shatters in 3 places.
In order to insure a destruction of fat not seen since