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The Walrus

The Walrus

The Zoological Society of Wales has categorized this animal monstrosity as "Blubberous Aquatus Maximus", also known as The Walrus. It is a living threat to the conservation of all humankind and all marine animals in Wales. Unfortunately over the years this contemptible beast has adapted to live alongside Homo Sapien Sapiens. Like the Cuckoo in the nest it thrives from the suffering of another kind; greedily stealing and consuming vast quantities of food and callously pushing away any competitors. It has been the scourge of the small Welsh seaside town of Aberystwyth for decades and has not shown any signs of stopping.

“Why must we tolerate The Walrus in our peaceful town? Must this sea creature continually roam our streets causing untold damage to our properties without ever being apprehended by the authorities? This failure to act is utter stupidity! His behaviour in our small town has been completely unacceptable ever since the Llanbadarn incident last year. We can no longer cope with his destructive activities! We must take swift action against the Walrus. It is imperative that he is captured and transported to a remote location in either central Greenland or preferably somewhere on the Alaskan peninsula).”

~ Mrs Edith Davies of Penparcau, Aberystwyth

Walrus Factfile

The Walrus

• Weight: Approximately 12,600kg.
• Age: Unknown.
• Birthplace: The depths of the Irish Sea/Cardigan Bay.
• Aliases: The Quite Notorious Walrus; The Blubberous Aquatus Maximus; The Beast; The Fat Tw#t; The Monstrosity; The Scourge; The Plague, The Weight.

The Walrus Kingdom

A large number of personas of The Walrus reside in Aberystwyth. A list of these unimaginable schizophrenic manifestations can be found below in alphabetical order:

• The 8 Rump Side Walrus.
• The Alcoholic Walrus.
• The Big Mouthed Walrus.
• The Fat Tw#t Walrus.
• The Fudge Cake King Walrus.
• The Habitual Walrus.
• The Hallucinogenic Walrus.
• The Jolly Good Walrus.
• The Left Handed Walrus.
• The Liposuction Walrus.
• The Miming Walrus.
• The Morbidly Obese Walrus.
• The Nocturnal 'Licker' Walrus.
• The Rear Admiral Walrus.
• The Red Dress Hunter Walrus.
• The Reinforced Titanium Chair Walrus.
• The Salt Water Fish Whoremonger Walrus.
• The Suited Walrus.
• The Uncouth Walrus.

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The 8 Rump Side Walrus

Never before has there been found, in the animal kingdom, a creature with a numerical digit on its body. Some say that it is the reason why the Japanese favour the number 8 in gambling. But no one here can see why a beast of so much contempt here in Wales can be favourable in anything!

The Alcoholic Walrus

Hurriedly guzzling it straight down its throat like a Shanghai pink soldier next to a lavatory cubical partition. This Walrus's alcohol dependency is a serious problem in Ceredigion. However, pub and nightclub staff rarely have the problem of draining away abandoned wine and spirits from their tables; due to the Alcoholic Walrus's insistence on visiting each of Aberystwyth's liquor establishments after their closings. The owners sincerely thank him for it.

An informant at the shadowy Asian Division has informed the public that this dependency regularly drains the county's distillery stocks along with his finances.

The Big Mouthed Walrus

This loud and abusive creature resides in the marshes of Borth and lives a mostly solitary life. At night it cries out in frustration for a mate; hopelessly anticipating the arrival of a female. Its only companions are a herd of bulls who occasionally mistaken him for a female of their species. At times the Big Mouthed Walrus comes in contact with another male, the Hallucinogenic Walrus, who also lives in the bog. Every spring they confront each other at this place and after several weeks of posturing they invariably wrestle one another in a glorious battle for territory amongst the herd.

The Fat Tw#t Walrus

The Fat Tw#t Walrus is aptly named because of its tendency to wind up the local population the wrong way. Once in the area it will conduct dawn raids desperately searching through people's kitchens and supermarket storehouses for fish, crustaceans, mussels and seaweed. It isn't concerned by how much damage it has caused gaining entry to these places, just how much food it can consume and how rapidly.

The Fudge Cake King Walrus

This interesting specimen was first spotted underneath Aberystwyth's pier searching for willing humanitarians to feed upon. The beach was subsequently littered with this Walrus's Fudge Cake surprises after he was pursued by the helicopters and armoured vehicles from the Republic of Ireland's Chaos Corp's Elite Unit.

The Habitual Walrus

The Habitual Walrus has trouble shaking off him obsessive alcohol consumption. This dependency does not only lead to him being unable to control his bodily functions it leaves the residents of Aberystwyth without any liquor at the end of the week.

The Hallucinogenic Walrus

The chemical named Fishothenic Metholathe is this beast's life-force. Without this precious chemical its doomed to a life of wallowing in the muddy pits of Borth's marshland. At first it was provided with the drug by senior members of the Asian Division and their dubious connections with North Korea's regime.

The Jolly Good Walrus

The Jolly Good Walrus, the 'distinguished gentleman' of Cardigan Bay. Found along the muddy stretches of Aberystwyth beach and beyond he carries loads of seaweed and bails of hay for the local farmers. He is then grated the privilege of consuming 35% of their livestock.

The Left Handed Walrus

The Left Handed Walrus has been on the wrong side of the authorities ever since it introduced a previously unknown venereal virus into the waters of Irish Sea. The discovery and the transmission of The Walrusman's Curse to humankind can be credited to a Mr Richard Pearson of Aberystwyth. The Left Handed Walrus is also legendary for its inscrutable and uncontrollable left handed finger gropes, which were present at the time this photograph was taken but is out of shot.

The Liposuction Walrus

The Liposuction Walrus. This experimental Walrus has found its way into the record books in 2009 with its latest attempt to loose 67% of its flab from its hind quarters. It lost 4008kg in the first three months with a modified liposuction device known as the I.L.S.A., the Industrial Lard Suction Appliance, initially used for exploration by oil companies in the seas off Venezuela.

The Miming Walrus

The Miming Walrus. This Walrus is a mime artist who graduated from the Aberystwyth School of Marine Biology in April 1967. After many years of researching the behaviours of mating walruses he has become uniquely capable of portraying them in various Canadian and Welsh films. The most well-known film he has starred in was 'The Aquatic Monstrosity of Cardigan Bay'. It has since won four 'intrigue' awards in the landlocked Welsh county of Powys.

The Morbidly Obese Walrus

The Morbidly Obese Walrus. This loathsome aquatic monstrosity was responsible for the declining seafood stocks in Aberystwyth and Aberaeron in the early 1990s. It took the efforts of the Lithuanian Mounted Police in 2005 to keep the seafood reserves finally under lock and key! No one has been able to catch this creature, which is mostly made out of water and blubber aiding it's inherent ability to evade capture.

The Nocturnal 'Licker' Walrus

This creature, which was native to the Ethiopian rainforest was brought back to Britain by the walrus collecting Mr Richard Pearson. Upon its arrival it was taken into custody by the Marine Pest Agency who knew about its uncontrollable licking attacks on the citizens of Addis Ababa. It has since been release on compassionate grounds and resides in the peaceful district of Waun Fawr, Aberystwyth.

The Rear Admiral Walrus

The Rear Admiral Walrus. There isn't much to admire about this Walrus apart from the fact he commanded a sea vessel named The Notorious which successfully sailed to the shores of Venezuela and collected 178 tonnes of mackerel.

The Red Dress Hunter Walrus

The Red Dress Hunter Walrus will do almost anything to locate a female wearing a red dress. It isn't usually disappointed on events such as these. The urge to wear the dress itself is, at some times, overwhelming for the poor creature. Adding to its later humiliation the garment invariably fails to fit its bloated physique and gets stuck around its head. A then arduous task awaits the Asian Division.

The Reinforced Titanium Chair Walrus

The Reinforced Titanium Chair Walrus. This highly unusual breed of Walrus fashions titanium chairs by first using a papier mâché cast of his rump. The public were unwilling to aid him in this daunting construction project, but since the creation of the Asian Division in 1996 he has always drawn his support from his so called workers.

The Salt Water Fish Whoremonger Walrus

The Salt Water Fish Whoremonger Walrus usually eats up anything that smells even remotely fishy. However sometimes after catching them, he'll place them in a 'moisture farm' and then sell them out to the wandering travellers of Eastern Latvia. It's a noisy and messy business, for which government sources tell us this Walrus illegitimately adopts strays from Ukrainian riverside communities.

The Suited Walrus

The Suited Walrus is a strange and odious beast. It had been trained to wear human garments from an early age. But after being disowned by a Mr Richard Pearson in 1982 it lost any sense of fashion and has no consideration for the beholder.

The Uncouth Walrus

This offensive and frankly despicable sea mammal was unsuccessfully reared by Pearson. Its rude remarks at social gatherings and its uncontrollable rages make it one of the most dangerous of all the walruses. Its hooligan behaviour hasn't gone unnoticed amongst the members of the Marine Pest Agency who have blamed Mr Pearson on several occasion for apparently misplacing his pet.

The Walrus Timeline 2012

A comprehensive history of The Walrus exists, in secret. However some recent excerpts have been released by an unnamed source. The following contemptible activities of the Walrus and the people's responses to them are listed below in chronological order:

February

• 20/02/12 - Leaflets were given out to students at the University giving them advice as to the perils of engaging The Miming Walrus in conversation. The Revolutionaries Against the Walrus in Aberystwyth issued leaflets to the Spar, Poundland, Waterstones, Burton, HSBC, NatWest all in Great Darkgate Street. Then they proceeded to Harry's in North Parade, Polly's in Chalybeate Street, Laura Ashley in Northgate Street and Paperway and Barclays in Terrace Road.

• 19/02/12 - Pro-English-speaking protests were overshadowed by anti-Walrus marches which continuously proceeded up North Parade, Great Darkgate Street, Pier Street, Eastgate Street, Portland Street and Terrace Road. The furious chants finally ended along the Promenade and Marine Terrace. 1500 people attended this highly organised demonstration which lasted four and a half hours.

• 17/02/12 - Arts Centre and Students' Union staff had to be called away from their duties to tend to the problem of The Morbidly Obese Walrus stuck underneath the giant steps. A crane had to driven from Llanbadarn to deal with the ridiculous situation.

• 15/02/12 - A committee meeting was held inside the Morlan Centre in North Parade with questions raised about what must be done to combat the threat of another Walrus infiltration and the chaos that it entails.

• 12/02/12 - The Aberystwyth shop Stars in Terrace Road was vandalised: several windows were thoroughly smeared with fish paste. An exhausted window cleaner had to be paid double for his laborious work.

• 10/02/12 - A couple of foreign tourists attempted to apprehend The Red Dress Hunter Walrus upon the steps outside The Carvery and Ambassadors. All arduous attempts were proven futile as both were taken away to Bronglais Hospital, where the compassionate Hywel Dda health board took pity on them.

• 06/02/12 - A menacingly portly sea creature was filmed on CCTV asking a Boots staff member for anti-indigestion tablets. Savers and Superdrug in Great Darkgate Street were similarly targeted as the day progressed as was Lloyd's Pharmacy in North Parade.

• 03/02/12 - The Hallucinogenic Walrus was photographed outside The Cabin café looking with yearning through the window of the Nice 'n' Naughty sex shop. Later he was filmed entering the Animal clothes shop in Pier Street.

January

• 30/01/12 - Pavement slabs were dislodged and cars were knocked on their sides outside KFC in Terrace Road. Residents could only think that The Left Handed Walrus had struck again.

• 26/01/12 - A huge frenzied beast was seen circling the bus stops adjacent to Store 21, searching in desperation for any fish products in people's shopping bags. It then proceeded to Argos, Lidl and finally Iceland in the Rheidol Retail Park where it had its largest gorging of the year so far.

• 23/01/12 - Customers in the Tan Shop in Eastgate Street, The Treehouse in Baker Street and the Public Library in Corporation Street in Aberystwyth suffered watching The Fat Tw#t Walrus defecate across several pavement slabs.

• 21/01/12 - Windows and a door of WHSmiths and The Works, both in Terrace Road, were vandalised from the act of waste dumping. Presumably these incidents can been dated between the late night binge sessions of The Alcoholic Walrus in the town's more dubious pubs - namely The Angel in Great Darkgate Street and the old Boar's Head in Queen's Road.

• 18/01/12 - Municipal hooligan chavs were seen inside Varsity and Salt in Upper Portland Street teasing The Reinforced Titanium Chair Walrus, forcing this poor beast to yelp out in distress at seeing its chair being urinating upon and the pubs' seafood being safely carted away by some local councillors.

• 14/01/12 - The Professor for Sea Mammals at the Zoological Society of Wales was called out in an urgent early morning call to Aberystwyth's Train Station to a path between J.D. Wetherspoons and the Shilam Tandoori restaurant. Here he met the infamous The Salt Water Fish Whoremonger Walrus who was caught in the act of pilfering rancid curried fish cubes from a large waste disposal bin. Professor Legbotham Carver was asked by the local authorities what he advised to prevent this creature from continuing his destructive and revolting behaviour. The Professor was less than happy at being called away from his nightly pub quiz sessions at Scholars in Queen's Road for something that didn't require his expertise at all. He quickly removed himself from the immediate area after shouting and spitting in anger at the men who lost him his precious quizzing time at his favourite pub.

• 12/01/12 - The Greater Blubberous Aquatic Maximus was spotted outside Matalan in Aberystwyth feeding through a waste bin, hurriedly attempting to find some leftover fish and chips before the local seagulls and vagrants presented themselves in the area.

Walrus Hideouts

• An underground liar beneath the Bandstand along Aberystwyth's Promenade.
• A secret passageway behind a Chinese Nail Salon on Bridge Street where the Asian Division conducts its nefarious businesses.
• A tunnel underneath the Camera Obscura at the top of Constitution Hill, just over two thirds the way up the Cliff Railway.
• Borth Beach, in an opening in the newly constructed sea defences.
• An underwater cavern in the Irish Sea named by the Celts Cavie O' Bravie.
• Asian Division Headquarters, Ceredigion County Council Offices, Aberystwyth.
• Clarach's larger cliff caves.
• A field just west of Bow Street rented by farmer named Richard "Donkey" Pearson.
• Aberaeron's abandoned playing fields and shipless harbour.
• A staff lavatory in Pier Pressure/Pier Pavilion, Aberystwyth.
• Behind Kane's Bar, no doubt on top of an attractive female bartender.
• The bottom of a disused lift at Bronglais Hospital, provided by the Hywel Dda Heath Board and its fantastic management staff at Haverfordwest Business Centre.
• The ex-MFI and ex-Focus stores in Parc-y-Llyn Retail Park, Llanbadarn.
• A deep trench in the Aberystwyth Golf Club course.
• Behind the curtain in the Commodore Cinema, Bath Street.
• The larger of two cesspits underneath the Student Village, Aberystwyth University.
• Underneath Trefechan Bridge.
• Wallowing through Aberystwyth's Marina.
• The ex-passport office, Northgate Street.
• The illustrious houses owned by Richard 'Roosevelt' Murdoch along Fifth Avenue, Penparcau.
• Locality 25.5, Subsection B, Cell K0I78.

Walrus Hangouts

• The stairs of the National Library of Wales, Aberystwyth.
• Radio Ceredigion Studios - advising the Vietnamese singer Ane Wung from the Walrus' Asian Division.
• Aberystwyth Crematorium.
• Hafan-y-Waun Care Home, Waun Fawr, Aberystwyth.
• Aberystwyth Railway Station Café.
• Low rate rooms in the Castle Hotel, Bellevue Royal Hotel and Richmond Hotel.

The Walrus Foods

The Walrus

• Putrid Chechen crushed mussels.
• Rancid Filipino frozen fish cubes.
• Rotten Croatian cod and chips.
• Rank Cuban carp and Sardinian sardine soup.
• Mouldy Kazakhstani kippers in stewing in Burmese bile.
• Sickly Laotian cockles and Cantonese prawns.
• Taiwanese Sushi.
• Andorran Paella.

The Asian Division

Asian Division operatives originate from all corners of Asia; but mostly from Vietnam, Myanmar and Thailand. These agents are The Walrus' private defence force tasked with the highly dangerous job of collecting fish products from restaurants and supermarkets across Ceredigion. Hotspots for Walrus Food Hijackings include the Shilam Restaurant, Subway and Lidl supermarket.

An Anti-Walrus Guide

• Beware of a morbidly obese creature with pale, unhealthy skin with tusks and flippers.
• Do not attempt to talk to The Walrus as he smells intensely of rancid fish and it will render you unconscious.
• Do not offer The Walrus any snacks, however wide he opens his mouth or however much he entertains you with his lecherous tongue.
• Do not get drawn into friendship with The Beast as he will introduce you to his infamous Asian Division and may try and recruit you.
• Beware of stool and fish piles along Aberystwyth's Promenade as The Walrus, in all likelihood, will have deliberately left these to lure in his next 'human encounter'.

Ty Coc Oen Prison

Constructed in 1961 in Llanbadarn, before Aberystwyth was credited as being a town, Ty Coc Oen was the place where vagrants and criminals were held before their trials at the hamlet's wallaby court. It later fell into the greasy hands of a Mr Richard "Donkey" Pearson who manages this horrific place to this very day. He's been condemned by Ceredigion's farmers for pilfering their pygmy sheep and keeping them in some very cramped sheds underneath the Town Hall in a place called Locality 25.5.

In November 2011 work began to create a building to secure and house The Walrus directly behind Ty Coc Oen while the residents await his eventual capture.

The prison holds 1,574 inmates:

• 760 are student anti-Walrus protesters.
• 245 are Shanghai Pink Soldiers from Zurich, Switzerland.
• 67 are homeless men, women and children who lost their homes due to The Walrus' insistence on building massive warehouses on residential land in Penparcau to house gigantic stocks of fish.
• 156 are ex-alleystrollers from The Walrus' furtive Asian Division.
• 67 are female-reverts from Pearson's administrative Locality 25.5 and previous employees of The Walrus' Asian Division.
• 198 are pygmy-sheep rustlers who have been captured by Pearson in an attempt to kill off all competitors.
• 71 are Asian Division operatives who defected to the Marine Pest Agency in the early 2000s.
• The other 10 or so are genuine criminals who have been relocated from their places of employment in the Ceredigion County Council Offices just outside the town centre.

Locality 25.5

A facility where Richard Pearson imprisons stolen sheep beneath Aberystwyth Town Hall. £348,460 is the yearly cost to the county taxpayer for keeping this dreadful place open. North Korean experimental bio-engineered clones are paid by Pearson as security guards. Known as the Rik Pee Loc Brigade.

Richard Pearson

Thought to be the legendary 'Donkey' of Waun Fawr, Aberystwyth. Pearson was schooled in Coleg Ceredigion in 2010 and received a physical warning from the Professor of Infectious Diseases at the National Library of Wales for numerous indecent exposures to the Walrus. He later received a Masters Degree in Pseudo Sciences in August 2011 with a dissertation entitled 'The Effects of Walrus Interaction in Mid Wales'. A copy of this paper can be found at request at Aberystwyth University's Students' Union - Ffion Evans.

He currently owns Ty Coc Oen Prison in Llanbadarn and illegally houses stolen pygmy ewes and rams in a place called Locality 25.5 below the Town Hall. Several plots of land just west of Bow Street also belong to Richard Pearson, these fields are grazed upon by offspring of these imprisoned ewes.