User:Mastermund/UnScripts:National Geographic: The Movie
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Lt. Colonel Vernon Farnquoxtable, Explorer Extraordinaire
- Dole
- Canada
Act I[edit | edit source]
Scene 1[edit | edit source]
The scene opens in the living room of the esteemed Lt. Colonel Farnquoxtable, furnished lavishly in a fashion similar to Sherlock Holmes' quarters circa 1890. Farnquoxtable, dressed in formal attire belonging to a man of status. Both sit amicably in armchairs, sipping tea.
Farn: (in a British accent) ...So as you can imagine, the summer this year will be terrible.
Dole: (Also in a British accent) Yes, sir.
Farn: Therefore I have come to the conclusion that we should undertake an expedition this upcoming season. As my most trusted friend, I should like you to accompany me.
Dole: (taken aback) An expedition?
Farn: Quite so. I believe Africa should be our goal. I am contemplating climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.
Dole: (uncomfortably) You want to climb it?
Farn: Well, we wouldn't be the first, obviously.
Dole: Kilimanjaro? Why?
Farn: What do you mean, "Why?"
Dole: Couldn't you instead maybe take a vacation in the South of France?
Farn: (leaning over as if to quietly correct Dole) Kilimanjaro is in Africa, not France. He nods sagely as if to forgive Dole for his mistake and takes a sip of tea.
Dole: That's not what I mean.
Farn: Oh?
Dole: I don't want to climb a mountain.
Farn: Why? Don't tell me you'd rather be a lumberjack.
Dole: No, no, no. I mean, it isn't normal for a wealthy man of your status to desire to climb mountains. You should own a beachfront property or a summer home! France is lovely this time of year!
Farn: (leaning over again, still not comprehending Dole) I've told you, Kilimanjaro is not in France.
Dole: (standing up suddenly) Screw France!
Farn: We wouldn't be the first.
Dole: Vernon, with all due respect, be reasonable. Climb a mountain? Really?
Farn: I hear its very fashionable.
Dole: Fashionable? He stomps over to the window and opens the curtains. The year is 2007, and climbing mountains and going on safaris is no longer fashionable. You've never even climbed a mountain.
Farn: We could bring it back into fashion.
Dole: How?
Farn: I have my outfit all ready to--
Dole: You got that at a costume shop. As I recall, cashier seemed to think it was real funny, you wearing a nice suit and loafers looking for such a ridiculous getup.
Farn: (standing up) Now that's where I draw the line! It's a a reasonable looking, historically accurate set of clothing!
Dole: (switching to an American accent) And that, too! You're not even British!
Farn: (in an American accent) You're right. Perhaps I am acting a little... eccentrically. But what else is there for a man like me who's done everything?
Dole: Good Lord, listen to yourself. You took delivery of your grandfather's inheritance a few months ago and already you think you've done everything.
Farn: What haven't I done?
Dole: You've got no wife.
Farn: (indignantly) I can do that anytime I want!
Dole: Get a wife?
Farn: No, a woman.
Dole: (putting his hand on Farn's shoulder) Look, I've been your friend for a long time now. Ever since we've known each other, my family's been reasonably wealthy. So am I. You've never taken advantage of our friendship, and let me give you some advice: You are not fit for wealth. You hate to work, but you hate doing nothing, as well.
Farn: Absolutely true.
Dole: I don't want our lives to turn into a couple of sappy romance novels, so the wivery and all can come later. What you need right now is a passion.