User:Lost Labyrinth/Mystique

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Mystique (formerly known as UnStats2) is a bot that lurks in #uncyclopedia. Originally it just collected your personal data logged the channel in order to generate the stats page. Then it got a few other bits. Mostly useless bits mind you.

Mystique is also accessible via Discord via the #irc channel.


I'm looking for stuff to add to this. No real aim or anything, just looking to add useful stuff and some fun stuff too. If you have any suggestions then leave them on my talk page.

  • Converts wiki code for links and templates to a URL:

<@dickface420> [[Tits]]
<@dickface420> {{Boner}}

  • Has an AI so you can talk to it... somewhat.

<@dickface420> Mystique: Hi
<Mystique> dickface420: Hi
<@dickface420> Mystique: How are you?
<Mystique> dickface420: Great

Well okay maybe not this straightforward but you get the idea...

  • Will kickban nick highlight spammers, provided that the bot is opped when the spam actually occurs.

<shitcake666>User1 User2 User3 User4 User5 User6
* Mystique sets ban on *!*@
* Mystique has kicked shitcake666 from #uncyclopedia (You are banned from this channel)

I set it up so that they'll have to ping more than 5 users for the bot to do anything, so that it's less likely to catch legitimate pings.


All commands can be executed in #uncyclopedia with an exclamation mark (!) or a closed curly bracket (}).

!pull Pulls the trigger for Russian Roulette. It's only enjoyable if the bot is opped.
!stats Replies with a link to the IRC stats page.
!ustats <nick> Replies with a link to the specified user's stats on the IRC stats page.
!mystats Replies with a link to the stats for your current nick on the IRC stats page.
!qdb Replies with a link to the IRC quotes database.
!help Replies with a link to this page.
!8ball <question here> Replies with the answer to whatever you ask it.
!monologue Replies with how long your current monologue in #uncyclopedia is.
!beer <whoever> Gives a bottle of beer to whoever you choose.
!champagne <whoever> Because the option above wasn't extravagant enough for your tastes... you rich fuck.
!babyfood <whoever> Gives a pot of baby food to whoever. Food is a commodity after all.
!pizza <whoever> Hands some pizza to whoever you pick.
!c4 <whoever> Straps C4 on the user you pick and detonates. Apparently you didn't have the humility to do it yourself.
!bible <verse> Reads out the selected bible verse. i.e. "!bible Genesis 1:27" would read that verse.
!uncycstatus Checks if the site is up or down. Useful if you're having problems connecting to the wiki.
!tits Take a guess as to what that replies with.
!dicks ditto
!seen <user> Replies with when the last time the specified user was seen on the channel.
!advice Gives random advice that people have said.
!bash Replies with a random Bash quote.
!bitcoin Replies with Bitcoin trading stats.
!bofh Replies with a random BOFH excuse.
!catfacts Replies with facts about... cats?
!catpix Replies with pictures of cats. Go Reddit!
!chucknorris Replies with some crap about Chuck Norris being a badass or something.
!debt Tells you how much debt 'Murica is in.
!developerexcuses Replies with excuses developers make up to avoid doing shit.
!dogecoin Replies with Dogecoin trading stats.
!fml Replies with some shit from FMyLife.
!ip <IP address> Replies with the location of a given IP address. Works with IPv4, IPv6 and domain names.
!litecoin Replies with Litecoin trading stats. Wait people use Litecoin?
!megamillions Gives draw info for the American Lottery.
!mortgage Gives info on mortgage rates.
!mydrunktexts Replies with drunk texts people have foolishly sent to one another.
!piglatin <text> Translates the inputted text to... some kind of language. I don't know what it is and I'm not going to find out.
!randomfacts Replies with a random fact.
!bomb <user> Throws a bomb at the specified user.
!randombomb Throws a bomb at a random user.
!cut <colour> Cuts the wire of the specified colour in an attempt to defuse the bomb.
!detonate Detonates the bomb being carried at somebody else. Great way to 1-up your enemies!
!tr <language1> <language2> <word> Translates the word from the language code (en, fr, es, it etc.) specified in language1 to that of the language code specified in language2. For example: !tr en fr hello would translate hello from English to French.
!np < profile name> Shows the last song played by this user on
!profile < profile name> Brings up information for the specified profile.

If the bot is malfunctioning...[edit]

Then don't ban it, otherwise the IRC stats page will cease to update. If you absolutely have to do anything then deop it (if one of the things it needs op for is playing up) or +q it and tell me about it.

Random stuff[edit]

  • It was called UnStats2 because the first UnStats that only logged the stats page blew up. I renamed it as Mystique, seeing as the bot is somehow doing everything and is rapidly changing, like a shapeshifter.
  • It's still a major work in progress. Thing is I don't know what direction I'm taking this in, if any, just yet.
  • No she isn't gay for you. Find a real human being to fuck you thirsty bastard.

To-do list[edit]

This is just stuff I'd like to do. I don't promise that it will ever happen but we'll see. Add your own stuff here if you so desire.

  • Setup admin accounts to allow for utilisation of the bot's op functions On hold indefinitely...
  • Resurrect the "Today's activity" link on Special:WebChat (formerly at using bot/Linux commands.
  • Possible integration with QDB. (I fucking hate Perl so don't count on this one) As much as it's getting, needs work though.
  • integration. Yep.
  • Steam integration.
  • Possible Twitter/FB integration. (I doubt anybody will care but we'll see)
  • Further implementation of features belonging to now deceased bots (unless they magically come back)