User:LastSamurai
The LastSamurai is the last official samurai on the planet earth(planet earth because some have shot themselves into space and may have found other habitable planets where they can live). Being the LastSamurai himself, I must say that I am thouroghly disgusted by the way samurai are represented on this site. Contrary to the dicks who have their completely false and idiotic ideas on the unencyclopedia page of Samurai protected from editing by sockpuppets, I can truely tell you what actual samurai are like. Since I know that what I do and what I am like, let me enlighten you with my extensive knowledge on samurai ways.
My Skills in a Nutshell[edit | edit source]
Not only am I able to dodge warheads(as correctly stated in the opening paragraph on Samurai), but I am also able to use my katana and melee fighting skill to kill anybody who stands in my way. Not only that, but the hacking skills gleaned from a fallen cyborg's brain has let me extensively damage any bitches who diss me on the internet(can you say "E-Bombs"?) Ninjas are my main enemies, but you can't really call them that because I eat them for breakfast before I benchpress my daily 100 reps of two tons. Being the last samurai around,I am ever needing to correct the views ofmy kind to the likes of you assholes. Here are some things I do to people like you. 1. I take them and make a traditional Japanese canoes out of there skin. 2. If they are related to ninji or to pirates, I use them to practice my bushido skills. 3. If they diss me or act like cunts, I redirect one of the frequent warheads I dodge in their general direction. 4. If I am feeling sad or happy, I will let them live: for about as long a time as it take for my thrown katana to reach them. 5. Finally, I they just look at me(which is very unlikely because they don't see me unless I want to be seen) I gouge out there eyes and string them up on my garden fence, and then send them towards a ninja. Finally, seeing as my katana is made out of the strongest steel known to Samurai, it can easily slice any bullets in half which happen to come my way.
What is the Deal with Samurai vs. Ninji and Pirates?[edit | edit source]
Unfortunetly, the few pictures of me are often mistaken as pictures of ninji. That is one thing I cannot allow. EVER!! Ninji are filthy beasts that rape, terrorize, steal and loot villages and run off with all the pretty women. This makes me angry; very very angry. Why can't they just leave some pretty women for me? Of course, I am at constant war with the hundreds of ninji around the globe. Because I am the LastSamurai, I have the power of all my ancestors in me and so can hold them off until they get within a mile of me, upon which I fly into the air like Neo wielding a signpost and beat the shit out of them. As for pirates, those drunken man-whores couldn't hit the side of a boat with their pathetic blunderbusses. They are so pathetic that even Ninji can take care of them. Pinji, on the other hand, pose a different problem. More difficult is their combination of drunkeness and awful fighting skills. So, basically, all I even have to think about while decapitating my Ninji and Pirates and Pinji is about the coming of the Chosen One, who will futiley try to bring peace between Pirates and Ninji and thus leave me with nothing to do.
Samurai History[edit | edit source]
My order originated in Japan. Since it was developed on an island, the fighting skill was extremely badass and unique, giving many problems to any conquerors. In fact, Ghangis Khan didn't conquer Japan, because his badass warriors weren't badass enough to deal with the likes of me and my brothers. Then, the Ninji came about and we had to do other stuff than watching extraterrestrial TV on pirated sets from the future. Being the master of my kind before the Extermination happened, I had the skills of more than a hundred of normal samurai. Since just one "normal" samurai could put you inside out, I have enough power to turn you inside out: FIVE TIMES!!!