User:Lakepoint/Dawn of War 2

Dawn of War 2 is a military training simulation prepared by the United States Military to train their soldiers for likely threats the USA will face after it has conquered the entire world. The simulation accurately portrays what life will be like in the future if we do not listen to the Iranian President Ahmadenijad.

The Scenario

The year is 40,000. That's 37,089 years into the future. Which is 13,537,485 days into the future. We are talking about 324,899,640 hours into the future. Mankind still exists! YESSS! It has not wiped itself off by nuclear wars, famine, thirst, global warming or battle-of-the-sexes! Microsoft is dead. And Honda is now called The Communist Party Of Machines. The Emperor sits on the Golden Throne. All of Mankind is United in His service. Under One Imperium Of Man!! The Immortal Emperor Protects(!)...no one. Since He's a bit.......well...........dead....

We still have the Space Marines. And the Imperial Guard. These guys protect us from...let's seeeee...we have, ah yes, The Alien, The Mutant and The Heretic! Yes. No... wait, that doesn't sound right. Oh, this is the actors' transcript...sorry!

So...our enemies are the Orks, Eldar, Chaos, Dark Eldar, Necrons, Tau and...oh, look at that, the Sisters of Battle. It's the Imperium of MAN after all!

These are our enemies. We will wage a war against them until every last one of them is dead. There can be no negotiation. There can be no retreat. There can be no peace EVER!

The Belligerents

Space Marines

This is a Space Marine.

The space marines are a sub-species of the homo sapiens. Their scientific classification is the homo spaciens although, because they were created by the Emperor of Man in his own image, they are often mistakenly referred to as the homo emperor. They were created by the Emperor of Man in his own image. Inspite of the fact that they are all literally clones of the Emperor, non of them are twins or triples or sextuplets, let alone millionputlets or zillionlutlets, which they should be. But they are not. All of them have bullets stuck in their heads though, right from birth. Some of the tougher embryos may even form space marines with missiles stuck in their skulls. Their teeth are made of carbon-fibre and their nails are an aluminium-uranium alloy.

The space marines have a total of 1 (one) bone per body. The rest of their mass is hulking coaxial-cable muscles and diamond-filament cartilage. Their jaws can exert a pressure of up to 6078kPa and they can run up to speeds of 523mph (23,916 mph when not wearing armour). Their brain extends all the way into their mouth and filters out any kind of intelligent words that violate the Codex Astartes. Some Space Marines even have brains within brains. Sometimes, these "brother brains" beat the crap out of each other, leading to a mental disorder known as Brainwar.

Each Space Marine has a Made in Japan tag branded on his right butt. Or her fifth breast.

This is also a Space Marine.

Force Commander

According to Wikipedia, "the Force Commander is the youngest Space Marine to ever be promoted to Force Commander. He usually never speaks, except on the battlefield where he can be hear shouting." This is because he is a mute who cannot speak.

This is not the Force Commander.

To elaborate on this, we tried speaking to the Force Commander but as it turns out, he is a mute. So researching alternative resources, we found out in great detail that nobody knows much about the Force Commander. This is due to him being a mute. When former members of his squad were questioned as to how the Force Commander issued orders, they all looked at us in mute silence. Then they walked away, also in mute silence. When the Chapter Librarians were approached on the matter, they mutely shrugged. The Chief Librarian mutely pointed a mute finger at a video of the Force Commander speaking. The video was muted. When one of the investigators tried to un-mute the video, one of the librarians mutely executed her. Then she was mute too.

When the Orks began their intifadah on the Blood Ravens Chapter world of Calderis, the Jewish High Command ordered the Emperor to send thirty legions to crush it before it could threaten Israel. The Emperor responded by sending the Force Commander - one man alone - to teach the Jews who the new God of the Worlds was. "You'll probably win, because Player 1 can reload if he ever loses," the Emperor told Force Commander. "But in case you cannot contain the raids, return immediately and ensure that the situation cannot be considered a threat to Israel." Upon hearing the Emperor's Command, the Force Commander leaned forward and spit on the ground, causing an earthquake of magnitude 7.4. Deciding to ensure Israel could never ever be threatened, he flew to Israel and nuked it. Then, the Force Commander took off for Calderis.

The Force Commander can use any weapon in the world, including close-combat melee weapons such as the chainsaw, power swords, briefcases, power axe, power hammer (with self-tacking nails), power fists, power failure, thunder hammer and shield and he can also use long range weapons such as bolt pistols, bolters, baseballs, rocket-launchers, plasma pistols, plasma cannons, plasma televisions and plasma attack monkeys. Oh, but that's not all! The Force Commander can also use shoulder-mounted weapons such as the sidewinder missle battery, mobile artillery turret deployment, jump-packs, teleporters, laser-guided anti-genital guns and anti-frisbee kite launchers. The Force Commander can use tazers, pepper-spray, katana, nunchaks, shuriken, light-sabers, even the cave-man's club. The Force Commander can use Star Trek phasers, Goauld Energy Staffs, Protoss Psi-Blades and even Harry Potter's Wand. Legend has it that he is the one who fired God's Holy Water Cannon that caused the Great Flood. He can already use any weapon that will be invented in the future. Non of these weapons give him the ability to speak, however, they do an excellent job of taking away this ability from his foes.

Special Abilities:

• Charge to Victory: Click to win the game. Use in case of boredom.
• Battlecry: The Force Commander plays back his audio-cassette, which holds the recorded voice of Charlie Chaplin.

Famous Quotes

• "............"

<br\>

Tarkus

The only information we have about Tarkus is revealed in the following recorded transcript:

Tarkus: Tarkus reporting in sir!
Force Commander: .......who?
Tarkus: Tarkus, the Second-in-Command!
Force Commander: who?
Tarkus: Leader of the Tactical Marine Squad...?
Force Commander: ....Tactical.....Marines....?
Tarkus: I'm about ya'y tall, four men in my squad?
Force Commander: No idea.
Tarkus: I use weapons such as Bolters, Flamethrower, Chainsaw and Bolt Pistol.
Force Commander: Are you the one with the Shoe-thrower?
Tarkus: Shoe-thrower!? No, of course not, I......wait a minute! The Force Commander is mute! Who the hell are YOU?
Eldar Ranger: Got you again, sucker!
Tarkus:ELLLDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Avitus

Avitus is the leader of the Devastator squad, capable of devastating the enemy merely with his hatred, which is his strongest weapon. He is not the older brother of the Incredible Hulk, though. Avitus is the man who killed the older brother of the Incredible Hulk. When he was a baby. Permanently angry, Avitus serves as the scowling defender scarecrow of Calderis and the leader of the Devastator Space Marines squad.

Concieved when the Emperor had a one-night stand with Avitus' mother, Miss Trunchbull, he was an unwanted child who his mother aborted by ramming a live grenade into her vagina and literally blowing Avitus out of herself. The sight of his mother standing there looking down at him with hands on her hips, her eyes clear even through the smoke billowing from her smoking vagina was one that Avitus would never forget. Avitus was recovered by a Space Marine officer who was flung by Trunchbull as she rampaged through the military compound. This officer brought up Avitus and soon (really very soon!) Avitus himself became a Space Marine. At the age of three, Avitus killed the older brother of the Incredible Hulk through a combination of Deep-Scowl and Angry-Biting-Talk and was promoted to Sergent.

Growing up, Avitus developed a deep hatred. For everyone. But especially for the Imperial Guard because those guys are so much weaker than their war machines. "When they use their weapons, they say Cool!. We Space Marines use ours and we ask that's it??. Where's the fun in being stronger than your own armoured vehicles and tanks?"

Weaponry
Avitus primarily uses long range and heavy weaponry, because smaller weapons such as pistols tend to go squish in his hands. Avitus refuses to use melee weapons, claiming his hands are the most powerful melee weapons he ever saw. He is correct. Thus, weapons of his choice include the Heavy Bolter, the Plasma Cannon, the Rocket Launcher and when using Terminator Armour, an Assault Cannon he ripped out off the side of a Battleship.

Combat Tactics
Avitus' combat tactics are absolutely flawless. He relies on his team, primarily the Tactical Squad, for support while he sets up his heavy-duty weapons. By the time he is ready to unleash the unholy wrath of his mighty weapons, the enemy is long gone.

Special Abilities

• Focused Fire: Avitus scowls even more fiercely, prompting his bullets to move faster and in a straighter line.
• Bitch and Spit: An involuntary reaction caused by the memory of his violent birth. He does it every five seconds. Scares the enemy.
• Sprint: By threatening to eat his own legs (and it's not an idle threat coming from Avitus), Avitus can make his legs move at nearly the speed of light.
• Swing: Avitus does a melee backhand attack, damaging enemies nearby and launching them in orbit. The fact that a backhand slap is an unlockable ability should give you an idea of how smart Avitus is.

Famous Quotes<br\> "Shut up, Tarkus!"<br\> "Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!" <br\>

Cyrus

A permanently dehydrated man, Scout Sergent Cyrus specializes in infiltration, detonation, demolition, destruction, disaster-escalation and damage-uncontrolled. His primary responsibility is scouting, intelligence, providing long range fire support, saying What?! every time something goes wrong and blowing up buildings, hentai girls, basketball teams, subway tunnels, Mexicans and anthills. He prides his work and does not like to be called a terrorist. He has vowed to blow up anyone who calls him a violent terrorist.

In the late 22nd century, a virus infected an unnamed man who was believed to be the last living descendent of Osama Bin Laden by a Chinese wife. The virus died almost instantly but managed to re-write a part of the man's brain posthumously. This merging of man and maliciousness produced an enormous explosion that obliterated the entire continent of Asia, revealed the existence of the Elves and finally knocked over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Cyrus was born.

The explosion caught the eye of Davian Thule, who, at the time, was the original Man in the Moon. Intrigued, Thule navigated the Moon to a crash-landing course straight into the Pacific Ocean, flooding the Earth and wiping out the remaining six continents in the blink of an eye. Emerging to the sweet scent of salt-water and laying eyes on Cyrus standing naked in the raining foam, Thule was sure he had found Jesus. Believing the servitude of Jesus would impress the Emperor enough to adopt him, Thule decided to take Cyrus along. After requisitioning Jesus, I mean, Cyrus, Thule prepared to lift off and fired up the Moon's three-hundred-and-fifty-five-thousand engines, vaporizing all the water from the Earth's oceans and turning the planet into a barren wasteland in a matter of minutes.

Thule realized Cyrus had an innate affinity with explosives when Cyrus blew out the Moon's cross-section, sending them spiraling into...nothingness. Since then, Thule took a personal interest in Cyrus' training. Thus, Cyrus was eventually transformed into the image of his great-ancestor and became, in his own right, yet another terrorist masterm-Oh NO! HELP! KABOOOOOOM!!

To help fulfill his role appropriately, Cyrus utilizes many specialized weapons. He starts off with a modest Bolter but he can also use lighters, sniper rifles, books and pepper-spray later on. Cyrus also carries special items usable only by him, such as mines and detonation C4-style explosives. He uses these items to cook food over the camp-fire.

Cyrus cannot be equipped with heavy weaponry such as heavy-bolters, plasma cannons, rocket-launchers or close-combat melee weapons such as the chainsaw or powersword because these weapons are too heavy for him. However, a 67-kilometer sniping cannon (extendable to 978km) fits nicely in his hands and is just light enough for him.

Combat Tactics

Cyrus is a tactical genius and employs several innovative and effective tactics to subdue the enemy. Well, at least, he would be able to if you,<insert name here>, were anywhere near a decent player!! Davian Thule often told his sub-ordinates: "Cyrus is no mere fool. In fact, he is a complete moron!"

• Fight
• Run
• Hide-and-Fight
• Hide-and-Don't-Fight
• Sneak, sneak, sneak
• Sneak, plant bomb on enemy's toe
• Sneak, sneak, sneak
• Press the red button
• Die
• Stay dead

Special Abilities

• Stealth: Borrowing the famous Ace-Ventura Tip-Toe Walk, Cyrus renders himself undetectable. That is, as long as he doesn't step on any toes, that is.
• Suppression Fire: I have been trying to come up with a description for this ability for a while now. I have been unsuccessful. This is because I have been suppressed by Cyrus. Do you see the power of this ability now?
• High-Intensity Shot: When equipped with a sniper-rifle, Cyrus can fire a special ammunition that inflates into a living donkey and super-kicks the enemy in the head.
• Immolate: Cyrus uses a lighter near a fuel-tank to burn the ground and cook any food that wanders into the radius.

Famous Quotes

Cough! Cough, cough, Hack! Cough! <br\>

Thaddeus

A wannabe flyboy, Thaddeus is the commander of the Assault Squad and the youngest Space Marine in the Force Commander's retinue (he's about 98 years old). His specialty is to fly right into the middle of the enemy army and attempt to hack his way out. Smart? No! Effective? No! Why does he do it? Because his wife left him.

Bio

The truth, in this case, is funnier than anything I can make up. The Space Marine Thaddeus, sworn to protect and defend the weak, was originally a gangster. Davian Thule noticed his complete lack of regard for any life, including his own, and nominated him for the Space Marine trials. Now, everyone failed those trials and they had to pick someone...so they picked yours truely Thoughtfullus.

Weaponry

Thaddeus uses a Chainsaw and a Bolt Pistol initially. He can, later on, use Power Swords, Power Axes, Power Fists, Power Steering, Power Windows and ABS along with Plasma Pistols or a two-handed Power Hammer. Thaddeus also uses a jump-pack to fly into the enemy at break-neck speeds in a kamikaze attempt that almost always fails. He does not use heavy long-range weapons such as Heavy-Bolters, Rocket-Launchers or Plasma Cannons because they weigh him down, rendering his kamikaze attempts impossible to attempt.

Combat Tactics

Thaddeus' primary tactic is to fly straight into the middle of the enemy army at 3000km/h and viciously headbutt them. He follows this semi-kamikaze attack by artistic and creative attempts at barbery using his chainsaw as the trimmer and the enemy's model's head as the canvas. Models however, often fidget and wriggle, causing Thaddeus to miss his mark, resulting in severe cuts to the model's body, sometimes fatal. Once he has finished working on a model, Thaddeus signs his work by shooting the model in the head with his pistol.

Special Abilities

• Jump: <br\>
• Shockwave:

Famous Quotes

"Can somebody please tell me what's going on?"

<br\>

Davian Thule

The man in charge of the defence of the sector, Davian Thule's idea of combat is to crouch down in the middle of a battle-field and fire his single-shot pistol at an enemy using claws, hammers or swords to tear him apart. So its no wonder, that a few missions down the galactic drain-pipe, Davian Thule is incapacitated by an insect that is slightly tougher than the common cockroach. He spends about half the game "in critical condition", which is code-speak for "my pistol's damaged". Eventually however, Thule interrs his pistol and accepts the superiority of automatic weapons so whole-heartedly that he becomes one himself (talk about fanatics!). Reappearing as a Dreadnought, Davian Thule uses the magnificient fully-automatic 400rpm Assault Cannon mounted on his right arm to fire single shots at an enemy using claws, hammers or swords to tear him apart.

Weaponry: Davian Thule's primary weapon is the missile launcher super-charged lazer heavy plasma cannon machine gun any kind of gun, even a musket Claw! Davian Thule uses this claw to pick up stones and throw them at the enemy. If the enemy gets close, he can use the claw to pick the enemy up and throw them at the stones.Thule's secondary weapon is a massive fully-automatic rotating assault cannon. This weapon is cool! It fires fast and makes very loud sounds. This is the weapon Davian Thule uses to tell the enemy to go away.

Combat Tactics: Walk, Shoot, Win.

Abilities: <br\>Tantrum: The Dreadnought slams the ground, demanding! that toy on that shelf over there! Anyone nearby feels the ground weep. <br\> Assault Cannon Barrage: Davian Thule discovers the automatic mode of his cannon, uses it, decides he doesn't like it, and goes back to single-shots. You know something? The enemy doesn't like it either! <br\> Charge!: Davian Thule charges in a straight line all the way out of the battlefield and does not come back.

Famous Quotes: <br\>"Death is no excuse to stop fighting" <br\>

Gabriel Angelos

Gabriel Angelos is the man who successfully stopped the forces of Chaos from freeing the Chaos God Khorne on the planet Tartarus. Then he tripped and accidentally freed Khorne himself. Now, he's back. And he's old. Very very old. Textbook symptoms of his condition include the need to talk to you after every mission and the incredibly long time he takes in during travel. Gabriel Angelos is so old that his spaceship uses a walking stick.

Bio<br\> Gabriel Angelos was initially conducting Blood Trials on his own homeworld of Cyrene. You know, to feed the Vampires. However, he realized something was very wrong (nobody wanted to donate!). This caused Gabriel's Dark Rage to emerge and it was so terrible to behold that the Sun of Cyrene hailed a taxi and ran away. This left the planet dark, cold and dying, so Gabriel Angelos sent an encoded message to...someone. Soon enough, battleships converged on the planet and bombed Cyrene's surface for a full week. But Gabriel Angelos did not die.

Gabriel Angelos' next mission was on the planet Tartarus, where the Orks had recently begun an intifidah for ice-cream rights. It soon became clear that this horrendous idea was planted into their heads by the agents of Chaos. One thing led to another thing and another thing led to Gabriel Angelos killing his best friend. That led to Chaos almost succeeding, which led to Gabriel Angelos getting angry all over again. The entire Chaos fleet evacuated within 0.55 seconds, just as Gabriel Angelos began his rampage, which destroyed the entire outer crust of the planet Tartarus and smashed the maledictum in the process, freeing the Chaos God sealed within, who thanked Gabriel Angelos before running away very very quickly because Gabriel was still pretty angry.

Weaponry<br\> In Dawn of War 2, Gabriel Angelos uses only a huge hammer, in honour of his ancestors, who were carpenters.

Combat Abilities<br\> Gabriel's approach is tried-and-true: arrive after the battle is finished and mop up the remnants.

Special Abilities<br\> Talk: Gabriel Angelos talks to you! Seriously! Instead of blowing you apart, hacking you to bits or shooting you full of holes, he talks to you!<br\> More Talk: Oh boy, oh BOY! you are lucky! He's still talking, and not killing you!<br\> Talk Enemy To Death: Ah, now you know why!<br\> Dark Rage: Never ever activate this! If you do, Gabriel Angelos will kill all enemies on the map, instantly! However, he will overclock your CPU to 60 million GHz too, electrocuting you in the process and causing a massive country-wide power failure, even blowing out the Sun in the process. And then, he will stop being nice...

Famous Quotes<br\> "Commander, you have to stop the Orks"
"Commander, you absolutely completely simply have to stop these Eldar"
"Commander, don't let the Tyranids....wait, my mom's calling"
"Commander, ..... Commander? COMMMMMMAAAAAAAANDERRRRRRR!!!!!"
"Commander, do you want to play a game of golf once the war is over?"
"Commander, you don't speak much do you?"
"Commander, I have come to teach you to socialize"
"Commander, I NEED to talk to you!"
"Commander, it's been one minute and we haven't talked, that's too long!"
"Commander, it's my birthday today...and tomorrow, and the day-after and the next day, and the one day after that..."
"Commander, my wife has left me. It is imperative that you find this woman, tear out her arms, cook her in boiling oil and then deep freeze her beating heart. Left alone, she is a great danger to the Imperium"

Orks

Nobody really knows where the Orks come from. The only man who ever knew was a hobbit by the name of J.R.R. Tolkien, who was Ork-napped and Orked up in the mid-Orkieth century. Thus, many people have come up with their own theories about who the Orks are, where they come from and how they got here. Most people believe that Orks are green pigs that have mutated like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenagers believe that Orks are mutant vegetables come to life to devour all meat and candy. Evangelists believe that the Orks are what Muslims will look like in the future, with their trademark green colours and their affinity for ramshackle, crudely modified technology. The Orks themselves contend that they are simply green-skinned people, a lost tribe of the Native Americans and that Tolkien was a racist who deserved to die. The Space Marines have accepted a part of this explanantion and call the Orks "Greenskins", but this marginal respect has not stopped them from conducting massacres of the Orks every now and then.

Skykilla

Skykilla is the second boss the Space Marines encounter. His crime is, quite simply, that he exists. This makes it a little hard for the human inhabitants to breathe, so what he's doing is not very nice. Skykilla uses a Double Headed Hammer (Size XXXXXXL) and an antique Jumbo-Jet Engine that he stole from Boeing. He also pulls grenades out of his rear-end but he has very bad aim.

Combat Tactics

"Loud, fast and dangerous!"

Special Abilities

Attack the Sky: Up, up, and Awayyy...! (Grunt!)<br\> Attack the Ground: When his jump-pack conks out, he falls to the ground with a terrible tremendous earth-shaking thud that shakes affects a radius of 5 inches around him.<br\> Attack everything around: He pulls out three grenades and hurls them anywhere and everywhere.<br\>

Gutrencha

Gutrencha is a cute and adorable little froggy that has captivated the imagination of thousands of teenaged girls around the galaxy. They particularly enjoy his theatrical performance where he huffs and puffs as he tries to pick up an axe and a hammer simultaneously. Many girls skip school to go see his five minute performance which runs for three hours (it plays in a loop). The Space Marines have been tasked with getting rid of this menace to public education. They will be going after Walt Disney next.

Combat Tactics

He usually tries to crack open the ground but one good wallop sends him screaming away. Unfortunately, this angers his fan girls who try to mob you. Gets really annoyed if you hide in buildings.

Bonesmasha

Bonesmasha is the bone supplier for the local dogs. He usually finds huge dinosaur bones and smashes them into smaller pieces.

Eldar ( eGÅ"r)

ATTENTION: If you are using Firefox, you can read this, so please stop this indecent behaviour and use another browser so that you CANNOT read this. Thank you No Thanks.
The Eldar are a race of stupid, old people who have lived under retirement for so long that they have forgotten their humanity and restored to arcane experiments in order to "Get a Life". In the first game, they looked incredibly old, but in Dawn of War 2 (how can you have two Dawns? how\? h0~W??!) they look pretty young and Farseer Idranel is @ctUalLy a pretty hot b@be (just ask the Force Commander whose skin she fried - she's that hot).

The End

The war will end after 4 (four - ef, oh, you, are) Space Marines have managed to accomplish three impossible-to-accomplish tasks. These three tasks include finding the Techmarines, reactivating the ancient foundries, which are guaranteed to work and are not at all rusted or broken-down even though they've been abandoned for many millennia and lastly, get some saliva from the Old Tyranid, who happens to live in a pool of green glob. Once this has been done, you can manufacture the greatest, most ultimate, super-powerful weapon that nobody or nothing, not even the Tyranids can withstand, in the universe - a freaking vaccine. Then, you need to administer this vaccine to the Hive Ships, which will then die. Without the Hive Ships to command them, the remaining Tyranids will lose all cohesion, go out-of-control and try even harder to kill you.

No worries, after you are dead, Gabriel Angelos will finally, finally, FINALLY arrive and he will put out his mighty hand and yell: "STOOOOOOP!!"







And the war shall end.
Then Gabriel Angelos will board his ship and go away.

Aftermath

What happens once the war has ended? Another war begins...