User:KeithChegwinforHire

K.R.I.S.S. (Kinetic Robot Intelligence Soldier System) Akabusi

‘’Owoooga’’: John Fashanou

‘’Aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaa’’: Tarzan

‘’Exterminate’’: Darleks

Invented by the British Government in 1958 and built during the next 17 years, Kriss Akabusi was a Technology Demonstrator for the British Army built to prove to America that the British had the technologies to compete with the C.A.R.L. (Composite Autonomous Robot Lifeform) Lewis V5 fielded by the US Department of Defense. By demonstrating this Technology was already available to the British, they hoped to be included in the next generation robot project called D.A.R.Y.L. (Data Analysis Robot Youth Lifeform)

Origins

Britain was very advanced in Robotics in the late 1950’s fielding the first man machine interface, the Stephen Hawkings Stephen Hawkings. Hawkings was a computer enhanced mind on a robotic platform who was clever it presented at Cambridge University, one of the most privileged education establishment for rich kids in the UK. Future British leaders were taught by Hawking who even designed the Space Shuttle when it worked at NASA. In competition to the brits, the Americans fielded the Christopher Reeve model of Man Machine Interface and the two met each other in combat on October 10th 2004. Lined up either side of a half pipe ramp the pair dueled in the form of Jousting with Hawking the successor, Reeves was killed. Interesting behaviors studies with both Reeves and Hawking was the emotional ability to get married and hold a relationship. It was noted that Hawking regularly physically abused his wife whereas Reeves wife was chained to his side unable to leave him, these behaviors would plague the Robot Project for the next 50 years.

Design Concept

Kriss was a cybernetic organism which means living tissue over a (metal) endoskeleton and had a VIC20 16k memory processor which allowed Kriss to pass the British Army entrance exam (though not the Navy for fears the sea salt may corrode his batteries). The living tissue was given a dark pigmentation both to assist in military stealth and to remove suspicion that a white man could run that fast and have those muscles. The designers also believed that a colored man in the Army would get more compassion that his white counterpart. His facial hair not only served to soften his features and make him more approachable but within several of these, tiny piezoelectric accelerometers would assist his balance. Computers of the day were not as small as they are now so an overly large cranium was camouflaged by shining it buff until it reflected 25% of ambient light. The name Akabusi was given to aid the Nigerian cover story as his parents. Mr and Mrs Akabusi were part of a tribe who inhabited lands on the newly discovered Oil Fields of Ogoniland and Shell had paid much money to the chief of the tribe Nwiboko Obodo who wanted to keep the money for himself. The only way he could do this was to start killing his own tribes people in the hope others would flee and he did this with a bike chain rather expertly. The Akabusi parents fearing the worst decided after 30 friends had vanished that they should go and left claiming political asylum in the UK. They never made it to the UK, in 1956 they were onboard a BOAC aircraft which crashed during a thunderstorm after taking off from Kano Airport. Their new UK passports were recovered and returned to the Embassy where MI5 obtained them for future cover-ups.

Military Career

In 1975 the government rolled out its KRISS V1 robot on an unsuspecting world and immediately sent it to join the Army. The government did not disclose to the Army that Kriss was a robot to enable his full performance be evaluated against human recruits, unfortunately, Kriss was only able to achieve the rank of warrant officer 2 and his lack of memory but excellent athletic prowess meant he was sent to the Army Physical Training Corps (APTC) where he remained until the government pulled him for upgrade in 1981.

Upgrade

Once pulled from the Army, the Robot was enhanced through a modification program which took 2 years to complete. Kriss was given new upgraded batteries similar to those used in the Sinclair C5, an Amstrad memory processor and the essential “lunchbox” sported by all black athletes at the time. A software upgrade on the main processing bus gave Kriss more awareness with the unexpected side effect of a large perma-grin on his face and a semi manic personality. This almost stopped the upgrade as scientists tried to find how to overcome this, software engineering failed to remedy the change to Kriss as did the electrical engineering team however, a public relations advisor working with the team said this ‘over the top’ behavior was commonplace in Amercans and cited reference to the sports stars of the day including Lewis so with more testing to ensure Kriss was not showing signs of madness but was a stable platform the team decided to perform Final Acceptance testing of Kriss V2.

Athletics

Having not quite achieved the ‘Killer’ part of his protocol the British entered Kriss into the British Olympic team to compete one to one with the C.A.R.L. hoping that competition would strengthen Kriss into a competitive killing machine. Kriss was Silver in his first Olypics beaten by nemesis Lewis, he won Gold at the European Championships but again, lost to Lewis. Having proved himself as a better system, Lewis went on to prove he could also jump and became world long jump champion so Kriss turned to Hurdles and won a Gold medal. The British believed that one of Kriss drawbacks was his metal endoskeleton, by comparison, Lewis used a Composite endoskeleton and this weight difference and flexibility of Carbon made all the difference, Kriss was in fact a much better robot than Lewis and this would become apparent when the Americans dissolved Lewis whereas Kriss continues to operate today (albeit outside the government).

End Game

The competition grounds of the Wheelchair Joust and the Olympics proved that Britain was able to field robots of a similar, if not better standard to the USA however, instead of inviting Britain to join the DARYL project, the Americans put pressure on the UK to scrap all robotic research, destroy the jigs, tooling and prototypes and all records of the research or else they would stop being Britains ‘special’ friends and would request immediate payment of the massive debt from WW2. Unable to stop dreaming about being America’s bitch, Britain complied and tried to pull the plug on Kriss. In 1992 the Queen of England tried to terminate Kriss during a MBE presentation, the medal was from Mercury which would scramble Kriss’ functions and cause him to crash whilst driving home, unfortunately the Queen had pinned the medal on Frank Bruno who descent into madness caused by mercury poisoning from him MBE was widely publicized. Bruno and Akabusi spent some time together after the presentation even comparing medals, it is believed that this brief encounter with the Mercury caused some fusing within the Amstrad. On June 21st 1992 Kriss stopped responding to his normal routine, he had headaches and concerned he was shutting down Kriss went to Tandy and order a brand new intel 486DX2 which he installed in place of the Amstrad. Cured of the headaches with a new sense of being, Kriss began learning at an alarming rate, he lust for knowledge could not be satisfied with reading, Kriss retrofitted himself with a dial up modem and plugged himself into the fledgling world wide web. On September 22nd 1992 Kris became ‘self aware’.

Self Awareness and Kriss Akabusi

Self awareness meant many things in 1992 but for Kriss it meant television and a public eye.

Gladiators

Securing himself a role as presenter of the TV show, Gladiators, Kris made the switch and along with ex Bond Girl Ulrika Jonsson from Security Services to Main Stream media. Gladiators suited Kriss, the show was a front for failed athletes to try and twat each other with foam sticks in a man and wife vs. Gladiator format, at the end of the show ‘The Eliminator’ was released on the contestants, in costume, Akabusi would play the Eliminator and personally pummel the daylights out of anyone able to get up a conveyor belt of various moving speeds.

In the Christmas special Kriss invited Stephen Hawkings to play the Eliminator but in a sick twist and to prove he was no.1, Kriss, dressed in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfit ran the entire Gladiator course, up the conveyor belt and whooped Hawkings bedsore ridden ass before pushing him down the conveyor, Hawkings slumped onto his reverse button and remained on the conveyor belt, his chariot reversing the speed the conveyor was rolling, he remained here until for a very awkward 10 minutes, drooling until Hunter and Rhino had finished on Ulrika and rescued him.

After beating Hawking, Kriss was unable to hide his excitement and shouted ‘AWOOGA’ in front of millions of viewers and his catchphrase was born, at the same time he ripped his turtle outfit off forgetting he was naked underneath he stood there in front of millions of viewers butt naked. This ensured that Kriss was dropped from the show in favour of wife beating football personality John Fashanou. Ironically both John Fashanou and Hunter were sacked from Gladiators for bashing Ulrika Jonsson who called the services of Kris to give them both a slap which he did when he tracked them down in Blackpool drinking and taking acid with Paul Gascoigne.

Nuff Respect

In 1993, former trackmates Liford Christie, Derek Redmond and Colin Jackson asked Kriss to join their sports management company ‘Nuff Respect’. During initial discussions Kriss requested the company slogan be changed to ‘Nuff Respect - Awooga’. Whilst it was considered, none of the other althletes were happy with the Royalties that Akabusi valued his Intellectual Property at and Kriss also became aware that Nuff Respect was a front and it was the Athletes intention to take over the 2012 Olympics and win everything. Wanting to move away from Athletics Kriss refused the offer and they parted company. Nuff Respect was outed by Lord Sebastian Coe in 2010 and the 3 directors were sentenced to life imprisonment.

Big Breakfast

Kriss was next invited to present the newly formed Big Breakfast where he was contracted to shout Awoooga in quiet residential neighborhoods at 6am. The nations love affair with Kriss was fast eroding and in an attempt to prolong his breakfast career invented two other catchphrases, the immediately popular, “Awwwwright” and not so popular “Pump it Up”. As fates hand would have it, as Kriss popularity was waning, ex alcoholic Keith Chegwin offered to remove his clothes for 10p and the Big Breakfast signed him up to run around neighbourhoods at 6am with various inflatable and foam novelties to cover his manhood, Kriss was pushed into a canal and that was that.

Record Breakers

After the Big Breakfast, Kriss was invited to do a guest slot on a show called Record Breakers where numerous madmen and women tried to break the worlds most ridiculous world records. As a former record holder this format narked Kriss who saw these no-bodies reaching the same accolades as he did, Kris snapped when Ashrita Furman stood on top of 72 Milk Bottle Crates whilst the Queen was winched up to give him the MBE. Kriss went home and hatched a plan. Presenter of the show, Roy Castle, had come up with the format when Norris McWhirter, founder of the Guiness book of records passed away, if the same fate happened to Roy then surely Kriss would slip in. Kriss filled Roys trumpet with black powder, next day Kris asked Roy for a tune and as Roy inhaled, Kris threw a match into the trumpet igniting the powder and blowing Roys head off. Health and Safety investigations were inconclusive as Roy was a known 60 a day smoker. Unfortunately for Kriss, at the time of Roys demise, the Big Breakfast had also just gone off air and both Johnny Vaughan and Keith Chegwin were on the market. The nations love affair with breaking records was waning and so Keith Chegwin was given the role for less than 4 pounds, the opening show had the worlds longest domino train stretching the length of Manchester Airports terminal 3 and Kieth had to keep one step ahead of the last falling domino to protect his manhood. This comedy genius was followed by the worlds largest motocycle pyramid where the highest man had to be 20 meters high when they stopped to collect the record, the top mans helmet protecting the public from seeing Keiths nob, the worlds largest zipline from the top of blakpool tower where trams, clowns, elephants and monkeys, parachutists, balloon artists and the red arrows all performed together to block the cameras view of Kieths balls – this epic television event was cited in Time magazine as the most memorable piece of TV ever, beating the berlin wall collapse, the man on the moon and the first ever contact with a UFO (which featured the Aliens probing stick blocking out the view of Earths embassader Kieth Chegwins pork sword).

Cathphrases (or Katchfrazers).

Awooga

Kriss coined the phrase, “Awoooga” and unbeknownst to him at the time, setting him up with a court date with firstly John ‘Fash the Bash’ Fashanou and then Craig Charles who was trying to divert attention from his third rape case. Charles won the case and both Kriss and Fash needed to pay Charles damages whilst all Charles rape convictions were quashed and he was removed from the sexpest register (he remains a borderline case).

Awwwriiiittteee

Fash and Kriss would go head to head again in the courts when Kriss invented Awwriiiiitttte at the Big Breakfast. Fash once again claimed he had invented this as a ‘safe’ word when practicing S&M and Kriss had heard it when John, Kriss and fellow wife beater Chris Chapman were watching a video of John with Leslie Ash, when Ash apparently hurt John he shouted Awwwwriiiight but Ash didn’t stop thinking it was Johns excitement she continued until Chapman beat her senseless to get her off. Chapman backed Fash who backed Chapman in the beating case and both walked free. Kriss again had to pay damages.

Pump it Up

Finally Kriss invented ‘pump it up’ but his fast ending TV career and reports that tyre inventor Dunlop were considering legal action meant that Kriss ended his catchphrase era.

Current Day

Today Kriss is a motivational speaker for his self titled company the Kris Akabusi Foundation where he aims to give back to himself a living and some dignity.

Corporate sponsors pay good money to Kriss to shout loudly at their employees and make ridiculous claims about the Americans and his nemesis Kieth Chegwin and John Fashanou. Kriss is convinced that his comedy value and stock increases with his volume and is being investigated by both Environmental Health and the Guiness Book of Records.

Kriss has expanded into erotic novels, topical sports quiz shows and reality TV. In the Jungles of Queensland Australia, Kriss was so loud that local aboriginals and koala bears voted off Akabusi early and the TV company was forced to replace him, ironically, the TV company offered Kieth Chegwin and Maggie Philbin the offer to remarry and have their honeymoon at Im a celebrity get me out of here, after 2 weeks, Chegwin started to go mad and tried to drown Philbin during a challenge because he claimed she was putting Vodka in his water. After 10 years divorced from Philbin and 10 years sober Chegwin was back on the bottle and married to Philbin.

His erotic novel buiness is the fastest growing in his portfolia where being hooked into the World Wide Web for several hours a day gives him access to endless material.

Kriss is yet to beat his nemesis but is hoping that a proposed comeback of Celebrity It’s a Knockout will get him the opportunity to get Chegwin.