User:Johnrofl123/Barrel Roll

“FOX DO A BARREL ROLL!!!”

~ Peppy Hare on Barrel Roll.

“Chuck Norris doesn't do a barrel roll, instead the barrel rolls by itself and he uses a roundhouse kick on your face.”

~ Chuck Norris joke on Barrel Roll.

“ Believe it!!”

~ Gay ninja with orange jumpsuit on Barrel Roll.

What is it?

The Barrel Roll (巨根) is an advanced dodge maneuver that requires great dexterity to roll a barrel. In some cultures it is considered a way of LIFE. It is mostly used while under enemy fire where professional barrel roll rollers roll barrels(preferably pickle barrels). By performing the Barrel Roll, a person can either A: Safely avoid enemy fire or B: Look like a retard that doesn't know what he or she is doing.

History

The first person to perform a barrel roll was Tom Folpen, a U.S marine in WWI. He and his friends were under heavy enemy fire and withough any ammo behind a rock. Luckily, Tom was able to spot a barrel near him. By applying quantum physics to the shape and size of the barrel, Tom was able to obtain an estimate as to how he could use the barrel as a means of dodging and rolling. All was going according to plan until poor leg circulation in his arms led to liver failure. Tom then died and failed to save his friends who were actually better off withought him.

That was the first barrel roll ever executed, er...or at least tried to be executed.

Osama's barrel of mass destruction. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Different types of Barrels and Rolls

Not all Barrel Rolls are the same. Some people use different types of barrels. There is the:

• Noob barrel - This Barrel was first created in Canada in 1932. Although not very popular with the experts, this barrel is great for n00bie Barrel Rollers who downright suck don't have much experience.
• South American Monkeys in a barrel barrel- One of the most complexes barrels ever build. This barrel is actually made from tiny individual barrels. Those tiny barrels contain tiny monkeys in them that can be used for either a snack when you're hungry, or for distracting enemy opponents by throwing these hollering chimps at them.
• Invisible Barrel- Noobs everywhere are still looking for this rare barrel.
• Eurasian barrel- Created in India but was later smuggled to England by obsessed barrel collectors. This barrel is said to be the shiniest barrel in the world. Ouu, fancy....well not really.

Many more types of rolls exist in the world. Most of them are still hidden in places unknown, for the great creators, who where the first to create barrels rolls, realized their power was too great and decided that no mortal should ever wield it. EVER!

As you can see, Barrel Rolling isn't just limited to a specific roll. Try them all and find the one that best works for you.

How to perform a Barrel Roll

Performing the Barrel Roll isn't as easy as it sounds. A lot of physics are involved into it, but don't worry, if you follow these easy steps, you will be a professional Barrel Roller in no time.

1. Stand up straight in front of a barrel.

2. Place hand on barrel.

3. Hump the barrel

3. Now, you must quickly hump the barrel stop, drop and roll. Get it?? Haha...ha.....NO, ok? No, just shut up right now. Nobody likes you.

If you can't get these steps quite right your first time, don't be discouraged cause you suck. Just practice these steps and you will be able to perform the Barrel Roll in no time... unless you suck and you probably do.

When to use a Barrel Roll

A Barrel Roll isn't something you do willy nilly. There are specific times when a Barrel Roll must be performed.

Examples:

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"Little Timmy was walking down the street one day. Suddenly, he spotted a bag full of cash on the side of the road. Looking around, he noticed that no one was around to claim it, so he did a Barrel Roll!!!"

WRONG-Why you ask? Obviously Little Timmy should have taken the freaking bag instead of doing a Barrel Roll like and idiot. What is he, some kind of moron? If you saw a bag full of money and no one was around it for miles except you, would you have done a freaking Barrel Roll??? Or would you have just taken the money??? Don't be stupid like Little Timmy. Take the money and run.

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"Little Timmy was walking down the street one day."

RIGHT-Why you ask? Don't fucking look at me!!! How am I supposed to know why it's right. It's not like I'm writing an article on Barrel Rolls or anything like that!!! Sheesh.

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The Barrel Roll today

I've heard of a barrel ship, but this is ridiculous

Over the years, the Barrel Roll has taken a couple of different forms. Today, instead of just using barrels, people have been able to apply the skill to vehicles in the field. By doing this, an entire tank can now dodge an enemy attack. It's not like there something weird about an entire tank and/or plane doing a Barrel Roll...right?

Barrel Insults

Insults

-CAUTION- Use these insulting remarks on barrels at your own risk.

• "Go roll of a cliff"

• "Where were you made, England?"

• "My barrel is bigger than yours."